Why You Deserve to be Taken.

Taken-Liam Neeson, Famke Janssen














SEE.














Here's a tip for you, Mr. Besson. Generally, the audience has to want you to save the person who was kidnapped. Otherwise, they just don't care about the movie. Sure, on occasion, we just go to see a can of whoop-ass get opened. I don't know perhaps the French feel differently about their abduction movies. Luc Besson penned this movie but did not direct (for those who care), and, apparently, this man has no children which would explain this storyline. Retired government bad ass Bryan Mills (Liam Neeson) has a problem. His awkward but cute 17 year-old daughter wants to go (unaccompanied) to France with her bubbly blond 19 year-old friend. Should Dad: a) agree but first speak to all of the people she will be staying with; b) agree, give her a cell phone with instructions to call and wish her the best of luck even though he knows she has lied to him; c) chain her in the basement with some Jerry Lewis movies and tell her that's as close to France as she's getting? Well, "a" and "c" don't make for much of a movie now, do they? That's right Luc and Liam send this little darling off to Europe even though she has the attention span of a gnat and precious little sense. Why, you ask? Well, if you were a divorced former member of some special operatives branch trying to make up for lost time and compete with your daughter's super rich stepfather what would you do? Duh!






Kids, when you are travelling abroad, a little paranoia will serve you well. Never have two people on screen been more deserving of kidnapping than these chicks. Hello! You're from Los Angeles not the moon. Surely, you have some big city savvy that lets you know that hopping into a cab with a total stranger at the airport is not a good idea. Oh and, by the way, when he says "Cabs here are so expensive. Why don't we share one?" you reply, "My stepdaddy is rich. What do I care?" This is how you avoid getting sold into white slavery. Also, city girls don't draw complete strangers a map to their homes. I know, I know. I have trust issues. I don't lead a very adventurous life, but I'm still alive. Seems like a fair trade.




Now that darling daughter has gone and gotten "taken," poor dad (the guy she got all pissed off at because he didn't want her to go to Paris because he knows that her and her friend together only have half a brain and the maturity of a zygote) has to traipse all over Paris torturing, maiming and killing to save her stupid behind. Liam Neeson had to know when he signed on for this, it was gonna hurt. Him. Physically. I kind of like that about the movie. When he runs (and he runs a lot), he looks winded. I mean he's a 56 year-old Irishman. When Mr. Besson called, he probably said, "You'll get to demonstrate your Irish triathlalon talents, and you'll get to toss around lines like, 'I have a very special set of skills.' and 'You are going to be taken.' And, Liam responded, "Are you insane?" To which Mr. Besson replied, "Oui. But we'll pay you. A lot." Oh, Liam, reciting tough guy dialogue as though you're reciting Shakespeare does not make it a period piece. (I'm betting after take 15 of beating the s**t of some poor Albanian guy those period costumes were starting to look pretty damn good.)






By the way, when I call my dad during a kidnapping in progress, and he says, "You are going to be taken," my response will be something along the lines of "What the f*** are you talking about?! You'd better get your Irish ass over here right the f*** now and help me not get taken!" Could just be me.





EAT.







Let's start with whatever it takes to make your children not as stupid as the girls in this movie . I'm pretty sure I've touched on this topic in a previous blog so just reach back into the archives. Next up, let's study all the foods you would have to ingest in order to maintain the energy level required to rescue your stupid child. McDonald's ain't gonna cut it on this trip, folks. Visit http://www.clean-energy-ideas.com/natural_detox/high_energy_foods.html for a listing of all the foods we never eat...I mean we work into our diets regularly because it's soooo good for us. To obtain the patience required for raising teenagers you'll have to look for some other imaginary website.





SHOP.





To demonstrate Liam's considerable fighting skills, we are treated to a scene reminiscent of The Bodyguard, because, as we all know, next to stupid American tourists, pop singers are a favorite target of the psychotic criminal. Of course, our pop diva here is duly grateful, but, this is Liam Neeson, and apparently, there will be no love story. If you truly miss that romantic element in this movie, may I suggest you pick up a copy of said cinema classic, The Bodyguard. You can sing along to the song. (You know the one.) You can marvel at the almost dialogue free kitchen fight scene. You can wonder why all 6'4" of Mr. Neeson wasn't cast in Kevin Costner's role. (Oh, I think we know why. "I have a very special set of skills." That line doesn't have quite the same meaning in Whitney Houston's world now does it?) Well, I'm sure you know where to go to find this film (yeah, I called it a film just to confuse you.) That's right. The bowels of hell or http://www.amazon.com/dvds-used-hd-action-comedy-oscar/b?ie=UTF8&node=130. Lord help you, if you actually do this.