Cinemon Girl has MOVED!!
15 years ago
Sunday, November 8, 2009
So sad. So sad.
SEE.
Whatever you would like to see. How am I gonna stop you? This is the end of my blog for now.
Thanks for the movies!
Monday, November 2, 2009
Amelia-Hilary Swank, Richard Gere
Director-Mira Nair
SEE.
I don't know why I bother. Over and over. I don't know much about Amelia Earhart. Still. And I saw the movie. I don't really like Amelia Earhart. And I saw the movie. I guess her father was an alcoholic who disappointed her. I mean Amelia (Hilary Swank) tells us this so I guess it must be true. Ah, Mira, how nice it would have been to see that disappointment instead of hearing about it. Maybe we could have shown a little more emotion behind Amelia's desire to fly (a pretty risky proposition at the time for men or women.) Maybe we could have outlined how a Kansas girl came to acquire all the technical knowledge required to fly planes in an era where flying not the norm. Maybe we could have shown more of the lady balls it must have take to take on the nature, gravity and the status quo. But, no. People pick and choose what parts of the story are important. I can't blame them for my failure to love the movie. But, I do.
For me, as an audience member, the most important part of this story is not the mystery of Amelia Earhart's disappearance, but what women in aviation lost by her disappearance. Hell, not just women in aviation but all women aspiring to break barriers. Her flights across the Atlantic and her women's flying races were not just publicity stunts. They were opportunities for women (who only received the right to vote in 1919) to dream of opportunities for themselves that they may never have imagined. That is what was lost when Amelia Earhart disappeared. The role model that gave inspiration to women to take risks and not let the "proper role" of women limit them. Sadly, we aren't given enough of that message in this film. Instead we're dragged through a lifetime of people cheating on each other as a means to connect us emotionally to Amelia. Ah, if only she'd survived, she would have made it work with her husband and backer, George Putnam (who divorced his wife to be with Earhart.) This line of storytelling only serves to obscure Earhart's drive and gumption. Ignored are her unconventional upbringing, her egalitarian view of marriage and work and her fairly groundbreaking feminism. Shame on a female director for robbing the audience of all of that.
EAT.
Um...19 hours non-stop to cross the Atlantic? No in-flight bathroom? Are you kidding me? Turbulence and bad weather would be the least of the pilot's worries. Nobody eats. Nobody drinks.
SHOP.
Director-Mira Nair
SEE.
I don't know why I bother. Over and over. I don't know much about Amelia Earhart. Still. And I saw the movie. I don't really like Amelia Earhart. And I saw the movie. I guess her father was an alcoholic who disappointed her. I mean Amelia (Hilary Swank) tells us this so I guess it must be true. Ah, Mira, how nice it would have been to see that disappointment instead of hearing about it. Maybe we could have shown a little more emotion behind Amelia's desire to fly (a pretty risky proposition at the time for men or women.) Maybe we could have outlined how a Kansas girl came to acquire all the technical knowledge required to fly planes in an era where flying not the norm. Maybe we could have shown more of the lady balls it must have take to take on the nature, gravity and the status quo. But, no. People pick and choose what parts of the story are important. I can't blame them for my failure to love the movie. But, I do.
For me, as an audience member, the most important part of this story is not the mystery of Amelia Earhart's disappearance, but what women in aviation lost by her disappearance. Hell, not just women in aviation but all women aspiring to break barriers. Her flights across the Atlantic and her women's flying races were not just publicity stunts. They were opportunities for women (who only received the right to vote in 1919) to dream of opportunities for themselves that they may never have imagined. That is what was lost when Amelia Earhart disappeared. The role model that gave inspiration to women to take risks and not let the "proper role" of women limit them. Sadly, we aren't given enough of that message in this film. Instead we're dragged through a lifetime of people cheating on each other as a means to connect us emotionally to Amelia. Ah, if only she'd survived, she would have made it work with her husband and backer, George Putnam (who divorced his wife to be with Earhart.) This line of storytelling only serves to obscure Earhart's drive and gumption. Ignored are her unconventional upbringing, her egalitarian view of marriage and work and her fairly groundbreaking feminism. Shame on a female director for robbing the audience of all of that.
EAT.
Um...19 hours non-stop to cross the Atlantic? No in-flight bathroom? Are you kidding me? Turbulence and bad weather would be the least of the pilot's worries. Nobody eats. Nobody drinks.
SHOP.
Skip the movie if you want to know Amelia Earhart, read the books. Soar over to http://www.ameliaearhart.com/shopping/.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Bad Education
An Education-Peter Saarsgard, Carey Mulligan
SEE.
Creepy old man movie. Yeah, maybe reading the memoir would help me acquire a deeper, more nuanced understanding of the relationship between a thirty-something year old man and a 16 cum 17 year old girl. But, I don't think so. Can somebody please enlighten me about Great Britain's statutory rape law. Does that even exist over there? Pretty sure you get arrested for having sex with a 17 year old here in the States. Pretty sure. Hell, we're actually pretty relentless about that sort of s**t. Just ask Roman Polanski. Anyhoo...
Girl strives to achieve entrance to Oxford affording herself a life of mediocre but well-educated subsistence. Along comes an interesting but dangerous older man who introduces her to a wilder side of life involving music and art and clubs and, you know, not studying for Oxford. Said older man unfortunately does not reveal until much later, after our young urchin has given up her scholarly pursuits and accepted his proposal, that he is already married with a child. Oops. Unfortunately for her, she's already walked away from a proper English secondary school, and they do not like loose girls, particularly snooty, loose girls. So, having learned her hard lesson about the wanton ways of older men, young thing must worm her way back into the heart of the very dedicated teacher she blew off to obtain a very married life. Sigh.
You know, we've all heard this story before. No?! Oh, maybe it's just me. Anyway, Gossip Girl makes this look like a Sunday school story. Perhaps that is why critics are lovin' it. Underage sex told with taste. Class it up with a British accent and bring on the Oscar nominations.
EAT.
This kid gets the saddest little birthday cake in the world. No wonder she wanted to get out of the house. To all mothers and fathers of the world-learn how to bake a decent cake in the name of all that's holy. Might keep your little darling from running away with an older man if you put a little effort into the special days. Ace your cake at http://www.coolest-birthday-cakes.com/.
SEE.
Creepy old man movie. Yeah, maybe reading the memoir would help me acquire a deeper, more nuanced understanding of the relationship between a thirty-something year old man and a 16 cum 17 year old girl. But, I don't think so. Can somebody please enlighten me about Great Britain's statutory rape law. Does that even exist over there? Pretty sure you get arrested for having sex with a 17 year old here in the States. Pretty sure. Hell, we're actually pretty relentless about that sort of s**t. Just ask Roman Polanski. Anyhoo...
Girl strives to achieve entrance to Oxford affording herself a life of mediocre but well-educated subsistence. Along comes an interesting but dangerous older man who introduces her to a wilder side of life involving music and art and clubs and, you know, not studying for Oxford. Said older man unfortunately does not reveal until much later, after our young urchin has given up her scholarly pursuits and accepted his proposal, that he is already married with a child. Oops. Unfortunately for her, she's already walked away from a proper English secondary school, and they do not like loose girls, particularly snooty, loose girls. So, having learned her hard lesson about the wanton ways of older men, young thing must worm her way back into the heart of the very dedicated teacher she blew off to obtain a very married life. Sigh.
You know, we've all heard this story before. No?! Oh, maybe it's just me. Anyway, Gossip Girl makes this look like a Sunday school story. Perhaps that is why critics are lovin' it. Underage sex told with taste. Class it up with a British accent and bring on the Oscar nominations.
EAT.
This kid gets the saddest little birthday cake in the world. No wonder she wanted to get out of the house. To all mothers and fathers of the world-learn how to bake a decent cake in the name of all that's holy. Might keep your little darling from running away with an older man if you put a little effort into the special days. Ace your cake at http://www.coolest-birthday-cakes.com/.
SHOP.
Let's go with chains to keep your little precious at home and prevent her from accidentally falling in with a bigamist wannabe. You already know where to go, don't you?
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Surrogates-Bruce Willis, Radha Mitchell, Rosamund Pike, James Cromwell
SEE?
So, society has finally capitulated to the ultimate for of antisocial behavior relying on robotic recreations of themselves in order to function in the real world. Okay. Let's play. First of all, if you can have a surrogate who looks like Rosamund Pike wouldn't you choose a Brad Pitt husband not a Bruce Willis surrogate. No offense, Bruce, but real humans are either gonna choose hot young surrogates or no one at all. Also, for someone who hasn't been out in he real world for years, Tom (Bruce Willis) seems to have stayed remarkably fit (didn't see a home gym in the apartment). He sure managed to get his defensive driving skills back in a hurry. I drive for hours everyday, and I couldn't tackle the road like that.
Also, can those of us who do not have makeup and hair teams to buff us up have a brief moment of rage about how long it probably took to make Radha Mitchell and Rosamund Pike look bad. Sorry. That pisses me off. And finally a note about the difference between models and actors. There is a difference. Nothing demonstrates that more than trying to employ pretty-faced cherubs to portray a character which is actually played by actor James Cromwell. Not like animation, you know, you actually have to rely on the acting skills of these folks. Yeah, people, for those of you who believe that most actors succeed on their looks, let me assure you that talent succeeds, beauty fails. Models take heart, if you have the acting charm in you, time will tell. Surrogates will not.
EAT.
Well, if everybody's gotta eat in all the time better make the most of it. You're gonna need some variety. Hit the road or not at http://www.takeouttaxi.com/.
SHOP.
Hey. Life too hard? Can't handle the pressure? Just want to lock yourself inside and replace yourself with a robot? Best of luck. 'Fraid they don't look like supermodels in our world yet. Plus, you can't afford a robot. Trust me. And nobody who sees C-3PO sitting at your desk is gonna buy that it's you. Fine. Give it your best shot- http://www.androidworld.com/prod02.htm.
SEE?
So, society has finally capitulated to the ultimate for of antisocial behavior relying on robotic recreations of themselves in order to function in the real world. Okay. Let's play. First of all, if you can have a surrogate who looks like Rosamund Pike wouldn't you choose a Brad Pitt husband not a Bruce Willis surrogate. No offense, Bruce, but real humans are either gonna choose hot young surrogates or no one at all. Also, for someone who hasn't been out in he real world for years, Tom (Bruce Willis) seems to have stayed remarkably fit (didn't see a home gym in the apartment). He sure managed to get his defensive driving skills back in a hurry. I drive for hours everyday, and I couldn't tackle the road like that.
Also, can those of us who do not have makeup and hair teams to buff us up have a brief moment of rage about how long it probably took to make Radha Mitchell and Rosamund Pike look bad. Sorry. That pisses me off. And finally a note about the difference between models and actors. There is a difference. Nothing demonstrates that more than trying to employ pretty-faced cherubs to portray a character which is actually played by actor James Cromwell. Not like animation, you know, you actually have to rely on the acting skills of these folks. Yeah, people, for those of you who believe that most actors succeed on their looks, let me assure you that talent succeeds, beauty fails. Models take heart, if you have the acting charm in you, time will tell. Surrogates will not.
EAT.
Well, if everybody's gotta eat in all the time better make the most of it. You're gonna need some variety. Hit the road or not at http://www.takeouttaxi.com/.
SHOP.
Hey. Life too hard? Can't handle the pressure? Just want to lock yourself inside and replace yourself with a robot? Best of luck. 'Fraid they don't look like supermodels in our world yet. Plus, you can't afford a robot. Trust me. And nobody who sees C-3PO sitting at your desk is gonna buy that it's you. Fine. Give it your best shot- http://www.androidworld.com/prod02.htm.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I take it all back.
The Invention of Lying-Ricky Gervais, Jennifer Garner
SEE.
Remember when I said that lying is bad. Well, I did, dammit! I was wrong. Lying is what makes the world go round. We human beings are really at our nastiest when we don't lie. Screw George Washington and the cherry tree. If I told you that you were a big, fat pig with an ugly nose and bad breath every day of your life, how would that help you? Okay, well, you might drop some pounds and eat a mint, but that's not the point. Lies help ease the pain. Easing the pain makes people feel good. When people feel good, they do good. They don't go around trying to make other people feel bad so that they can feel better. Right?! Well, maybe not, but it sure it painful watching people get told the truth constantly. Don't ever believe somebody who says they want you to tell them the truth. THEY ARE LYING. Rest assured that shortly after you reveal the truth to this liar, you will lose your job or your lover or your friend. Count on it. Lying is the glue that holds humanity together. A little known fact that Ricky Gervais has stumbled onto in this clever little movie.
Now that I've sworn only to lie, I can tell you a few non-truths. This movie has more than one punchline. This movie runs along at record pace. Jennifer Garner's bizarre robot-in-a-corset walk does not bug. Rob Lowe looks good with his hair slicked down. This is not just a version of Ricky Gervais' standup on the big screen. Those non-truths aside, I enjoyed the movie. Mostly because it confirmed for me what I've always known. Telling the truth is a selfish and self-serving act. Maybe I feel better telling the truth, maybe not, but I know for sure that nobody can call me out for lying. Lying is the worst of all evils in polite society (except for maybe incest.) Nobody ever gets called before the Senate subcommittee for all the truths they are accused of telling. And yet lying might help someone get through and otherwise awful day. "Yes, that dress looks good on you." "No, you didn't sound stupid." Yes, he loves you." Lies help us function in a cruel, cruel world. So, even if this is the greatest movie ever made, you should still see it, just so you can embrace your inner liar.
EAT.
I don't care what you eat just go to a restaurant with paper napkins and plastic menus. Eat the food and tell the chef it was the best food you've ever tasted. Would it kill ya?
SHOP.
Mansions. That's right, when we die, we all get mansions in the sky. Why wait for the afterlife? What better time that during the housing slump to search for that dream mansion? No, it's not hell, it's Detroit. Help rebuild the Motor City. Buy a prize at http://thesmarterwallet.com/2009/bargain-homes-detroit-mansions/. You'll love it there. Would I lie to you?
SEE.
Remember when I said that lying is bad. Well, I did, dammit! I was wrong. Lying is what makes the world go round. We human beings are really at our nastiest when we don't lie. Screw George Washington and the cherry tree. If I told you that you were a big, fat pig with an ugly nose and bad breath every day of your life, how would that help you? Okay, well, you might drop some pounds and eat a mint, but that's not the point. Lies help ease the pain. Easing the pain makes people feel good. When people feel good, they do good. They don't go around trying to make other people feel bad so that they can feel better. Right?! Well, maybe not, but it sure it painful watching people get told the truth constantly. Don't ever believe somebody who says they want you to tell them the truth. THEY ARE LYING. Rest assured that shortly after you reveal the truth to this liar, you will lose your job or your lover or your friend. Count on it. Lying is the glue that holds humanity together. A little known fact that Ricky Gervais has stumbled onto in this clever little movie.
Now that I've sworn only to lie, I can tell you a few non-truths. This movie has more than one punchline. This movie runs along at record pace. Jennifer Garner's bizarre robot-in-a-corset walk does not bug. Rob Lowe looks good with his hair slicked down. This is not just a version of Ricky Gervais' standup on the big screen. Those non-truths aside, I enjoyed the movie. Mostly because it confirmed for me what I've always known. Telling the truth is a selfish and self-serving act. Maybe I feel better telling the truth, maybe not, but I know for sure that nobody can call me out for lying. Lying is the worst of all evils in polite society (except for maybe incest.) Nobody ever gets called before the Senate subcommittee for all the truths they are accused of telling. And yet lying might help someone get through and otherwise awful day. "Yes, that dress looks good on you." "No, you didn't sound stupid." Yes, he loves you." Lies help us function in a cruel, cruel world. So, even if this is the greatest movie ever made, you should still see it, just so you can embrace your inner liar.
EAT.
I don't care what you eat just go to a restaurant with paper napkins and plastic menus. Eat the food and tell the chef it was the best food you've ever tasted. Would it kill ya?
SHOP.
Mansions. That's right, when we die, we all get mansions in the sky. Why wait for the afterlife? What better time that during the housing slump to search for that dream mansion? No, it's not hell, it's Detroit. Help rebuild the Motor City. Buy a prize at http://thesmarterwallet.com/2009/bargain-homes-detroit-mansions/. You'll love it there. Would I lie to you?
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
The Informant-Matt Damon
Director-Steven Soderbergh
SEE.
And you wonder how we got in a global financial crisis with so many superintelligent people at the helms of the banks and financial industries. Apparently, there are two types of people in the world-really clever liars and the poor saps who believe them. Dear Lord, why are pathological liars so smart and normal law-abiding citizens so dumb? If I start lying uncontrollably will I improve my intelligence and my ability to steal money? I'm gonna give it a shot and see what happens. Stay tuned. I'm getting ahead of myself. This film tells the story of Mark Whitacre, a real-life executive at Archer Daniels Midland in the 90s, who blows the whistle on the company's worldwide price-fixing scheme (the world's third oldest profession apparently) whilst trying to cover up his own embezzlement schemes. The freakin' FBI didn't catch on to him even when they caught him in lie. They still trusted him, and they don't even trust each other. Mind-boggling that the planet has survived this long with this sort of idiocy afoot. Pathological lying can apparently be a symptom of bipolar disorder (Yes. Mr. Whitacre suffered from it.) Jeez, think how many people on Wall Street could potentially be suffering from bipolar disorder. Sometimes, I think life just gets so dull that it must be constantly embellished upon to engender the sympathy or attention which we desperately crave. (Nooooo. Why would I be talking about myself???? Silly!)
How do you know if you're a pathological liar? Number 1) You tell people you were orphaned and then adopted by a man of means even as you continue to funnel stolen money into your still living parents' bank account. 2) You delude yourself into thinking that despite embezzling from and then turning your company into the FBI, the board may still hire you as CFO. 3) You tell your wife she looks nice. It was the '90s! Only a fraction better than the '80s, and believe me, nobody looked nice. Get help! Here's the thing people. The Informant! serves as a critical reminder. First, that neck ties in the '90s were awful. Second, that what's happening to us now in the financial ruins of Wall Street has been happening for decades. Ponzi schemes, price-fixing, unbridled greed. History just keeps coming back on us. It's wake up time. people!
EAT.
"Four white guys meeting in the middle of the day isn't a business lunch, it's a crime scene."
-James Epstein (Tony Hale), attorney for Mark Whitacre.
Maybe, we should skip lunch.
SHOP.
Um. Lying is bad. We shouldn't lie ;). We should all be good people. NEEEEVER LIE. Definitely do not go to this website to learn how to be a better liar. (Unless you really want to.) ;)http://www.soyouwanna.com/site/syws/lie/lie.html.
Director-Steven Soderbergh
SEE.
And you wonder how we got in a global financial crisis with so many superintelligent people at the helms of the banks and financial industries. Apparently, there are two types of people in the world-really clever liars and the poor saps who believe them. Dear Lord, why are pathological liars so smart and normal law-abiding citizens so dumb? If I start lying uncontrollably will I improve my intelligence and my ability to steal money? I'm gonna give it a shot and see what happens. Stay tuned. I'm getting ahead of myself. This film tells the story of Mark Whitacre, a real-life executive at Archer Daniels Midland in the 90s, who blows the whistle on the company's worldwide price-fixing scheme (the world's third oldest profession apparently) whilst trying to cover up his own embezzlement schemes. The freakin' FBI didn't catch on to him even when they caught him in lie. They still trusted him, and they don't even trust each other. Mind-boggling that the planet has survived this long with this sort of idiocy afoot. Pathological lying can apparently be a symptom of bipolar disorder (Yes. Mr. Whitacre suffered from it.) Jeez, think how many people on Wall Street could potentially be suffering from bipolar disorder. Sometimes, I think life just gets so dull that it must be constantly embellished upon to engender the sympathy or attention which we desperately crave. (Nooooo. Why would I be talking about myself???? Silly!)
How do you know if you're a pathological liar? Number 1) You tell people you were orphaned and then adopted by a man of means even as you continue to funnel stolen money into your still living parents' bank account. 2) You delude yourself into thinking that despite embezzling from and then turning your company into the FBI, the board may still hire you as CFO. 3) You tell your wife she looks nice. It was the '90s! Only a fraction better than the '80s, and believe me, nobody looked nice. Get help! Here's the thing people. The Informant! serves as a critical reminder. First, that neck ties in the '90s were awful. Second, that what's happening to us now in the financial ruins of Wall Street has been happening for decades. Ponzi schemes, price-fixing, unbridled greed. History just keeps coming back on us. It's wake up time. people!
EAT.
"Four white guys meeting in the middle of the day isn't a business lunch, it's a crime scene."
-James Epstein (Tony Hale), attorney for Mark Whitacre.
Maybe, we should skip lunch.
SHOP.
Um. Lying is bad. We shouldn't lie ;). We should all be good people. NEEEEVER LIE. Definitely do not go to this website to learn how to be a better liar. (Unless you really want to.) ;)http://www.soyouwanna.com/site/syws/lie/lie.html.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Not in America
The Boys Are Back-Clive Owen
SEE.
Child safety laws? Anyone? Not in Australia apparently. Nope. Just strap that kid to the hood of a jeep and go. (Wait! Was that kid even strapped to the jeep?) It's the beach! Sand and water. If he falls off, how bad can it be? Yeah, I'm pretty sure there's no good way to present that scene to wussy American audiences. Our children wear leashes in public. Seatbelts in grocery carts. We are a safety conscious country. However, in Australia (home to ten of the world's most poisonous snakes as one character notes), safety is in the eye of the beholder. Who wouldn't let their child jump repeatedly into a shallow tub? It's got water in it for Pete's sake! Anyhoo. Here's where the feminists got it right. If something happens to one or the other of a child's parents, the other one should be prepared to fill in. You should be trained in the bare minimum of your spouse's "duties." You should not suddenly find yourself in need of another wife or husband because you don't know how to clean your house, dress your kids or start a lawnmower. But, I digress.
Based on the true story of a sportswriter who suddenly finds himself struggling to stay afloat and raise his two sons after the death of his second wife, The Boys are Back is alternately frustrating, enlightening and disturbing. Frustrating because Joe Warr (Clive Owen), travels the world covering major sporting events, but apparently, in his lifetime, has never washed a dish. Enlightening because the rules of sane parenting can apparently be amended somewhat to allow for a bit more enjoyment of life without, in fact, killing every child on the planet. Who knew you could let you child drop repeatedly from about 25 feet up in the air without incident? Disturbing because just because your child survives one daredevil escapade after another doesn't necessarily mean fate won't catch up. Everything in moderation, people.
EAT.
Ketchup and spaghetti. This is why you should teach your kids (and some parents as well apparently) to cook so they don't think that that ketchup and spaghetti constitutes an actual meal. Oh, wait. Here's a actual recipe for "ketchup spaghetti. Nevermind. Squeeze the bottle at http://www.convergingcuisine.com/?p=28. Better stock up on the Heinz after all.
SHOP.
Not capable of seeing a movie with your children and then talking with the little rug rats afterward to reinforce your own notion of right and wrong? Boy, do I have a website for you! I'd heard about these parental guides but never bothered to check one out before. Of course, after seeing this rather fast and loose interpretation of parenting, one might find a movie guidance website like this rather comforting. That is until you get to the part where the writer discusses a scene with the two brothers in a tub together. Creepy. Abdicate your responsibility at http://kids-in-mind.com/b/boysareback.htm.
SEE.
Child safety laws? Anyone? Not in Australia apparently. Nope. Just strap that kid to the hood of a jeep and go. (Wait! Was that kid even strapped to the jeep?) It's the beach! Sand and water. If he falls off, how bad can it be? Yeah, I'm pretty sure there's no good way to present that scene to wussy American audiences. Our children wear leashes in public. Seatbelts in grocery carts. We are a safety conscious country. However, in Australia (home to ten of the world's most poisonous snakes as one character notes), safety is in the eye of the beholder. Who wouldn't let their child jump repeatedly into a shallow tub? It's got water in it for Pete's sake! Anyhoo. Here's where the feminists got it right. If something happens to one or the other of a child's parents, the other one should be prepared to fill in. You should be trained in the bare minimum of your spouse's "duties." You should not suddenly find yourself in need of another wife or husband because you don't know how to clean your house, dress your kids or start a lawnmower. But, I digress.
Based on the true story of a sportswriter who suddenly finds himself struggling to stay afloat and raise his two sons after the death of his second wife, The Boys are Back is alternately frustrating, enlightening and disturbing. Frustrating because Joe Warr (Clive Owen), travels the world covering major sporting events, but apparently, in his lifetime, has never washed a dish. Enlightening because the rules of sane parenting can apparently be amended somewhat to allow for a bit more enjoyment of life without, in fact, killing every child on the planet. Who knew you could let you child drop repeatedly from about 25 feet up in the air without incident? Disturbing because just because your child survives one daredevil escapade after another doesn't necessarily mean fate won't catch up. Everything in moderation, people.
EAT.
Ketchup and spaghetti. This is why you should teach your kids (and some parents as well apparently) to cook so they don't think that that ketchup and spaghetti constitutes an actual meal. Oh, wait. Here's a actual recipe for "ketchup spaghetti. Nevermind. Squeeze the bottle at http://www.convergingcuisine.com/?p=28. Better stock up on the Heinz after all.
SHOP.
Not capable of seeing a movie with your children and then talking with the little rug rats afterward to reinforce your own notion of right and wrong? Boy, do I have a website for you! I'd heard about these parental guides but never bothered to check one out before. Of course, after seeing this rather fast and loose interpretation of parenting, one might find a movie guidance website like this rather comforting. That is until you get to the part where the writer discusses a scene with the two brothers in a tub together. Creepy. Abdicate your responsibility at http://kids-in-mind.com/b/boysareback.htm.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
The Burning Plain-Charlize Theron, Kim Basinger
MAJOR SPOILER ALERT!!!
SEE.
Ah, the uplifting story of a married woman who cheats on her husband combines with the uplifting story of a woman punishing herself for a life chock full of regrets. Yea! Now stir in a whole bunch of tragedy in between. Whoa, people! It ain't winter yet! Why do we have rush the depressing s**t. Here's why-women of a certain age just don't get these juicy roles written for them. Why a good role for women over 30 must equal heartbreaking and bleak, I don't know. Here's the problem. Good roles don't necessarily mean sympathetic roles. For all the acting their hearts out that Kim Basinger and Charlize Theron do, their trials and tribulations such as they are, aren't tear-inducing. The fact that Kim Basinger's Gina couldn't engender sympathy from me despite her cancer survivor story suggests writing that misses the core of what connects us as human beings. Also, Sylvia"s (Charlize Theron) reconnection to her past life is more disconcerting than encouraging. Um. When you find out the whole story behind Sylvia's past, you'll see what I mean. Psycho killers do not make good mothers. Just remember that mantra.
EAT.
Winter picnic, anyone? What better way to atone for cheating on your hardworking husband and father of your three children than by making them eat outside in the winter. ????? Not even gonna try to explain that one for you.
SHOP.
How about a motel room? Just a thought. Lots safer for affairs than your cousin's beat up trailer with the exposed propane tanks. Just saying- http://www.cheapostay.com/?fpaffiliate=Google&fpsub=GO1-CheapMotelSite-V2&gclid=CIOLtfif7Z0CFSn6agodcQg-LA
MAJOR SPOILER ALERT!!!
SEE.
Ah, the uplifting story of a married woman who cheats on her husband combines with the uplifting story of a woman punishing herself for a life chock full of regrets. Yea! Now stir in a whole bunch of tragedy in between. Whoa, people! It ain't winter yet! Why do we have rush the depressing s**t. Here's why-women of a certain age just don't get these juicy roles written for them. Why a good role for women over 30 must equal heartbreaking and bleak, I don't know. Here's the problem. Good roles don't necessarily mean sympathetic roles. For all the acting their hearts out that Kim Basinger and Charlize Theron do, their trials and tribulations such as they are, aren't tear-inducing. The fact that Kim Basinger's Gina couldn't engender sympathy from me despite her cancer survivor story suggests writing that misses the core of what connects us as human beings. Also, Sylvia"s (Charlize Theron) reconnection to her past life is more disconcerting than encouraging. Um. When you find out the whole story behind Sylvia's past, you'll see what I mean. Psycho killers do not make good mothers. Just remember that mantra.
EAT.
Winter picnic, anyone? What better way to atone for cheating on your hardworking husband and father of your three children than by making them eat outside in the winter. ????? Not even gonna try to explain that one for you.
SHOP.
How about a motel room? Just a thought. Lots safer for affairs than your cousin's beat up trailer with the exposed propane tanks. Just saying- http://www.cheapostay.com/?fpaffiliate=Google&fpsub=GO1-CheapMotelSite-V2&gclid=CIOLtfif7Z0CFSn6agodcQg-LA
Friday, October 2, 2009
Sometimes Love Don't Happen.
Love Happens-Jennifer Aniston, Aaron Eckhart
SEE?
Look. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. People gotta work. They aren't always gonna make the best movies. (What?! I'm sure I've said that before.) Romantic comedies are a dime a dozen. We all know where we're going. We just want to enjoy the ride. This shouldn't be that hard. I'm not asking you for Shakespeare in Love or anything. Why is this so difficult? First problem-you have a semi-interesting idea with mediocre execution. I'm no genius so if I can figure out the "big secret" before the end of the movie then, well, can't anybody? Second problem-casting for the box office instead of the role. Hey. I like Jennifer Aniston. I like Aaron Eckhart. I do not like them together in this movie. Chemistry is a tricky thing. I think Eloise (Jennifer Aniston) had it right the first meeting when she blew Burke (Aaron Eckhart) off. There is simply no spark. It's not their fault. You don't screen test Jennifer Aniston and Aaron Eckhart. You simply thank your lucky stars that they agreed to do the movie. Pero, no fuego, no bueno.
Unfortunately for these two characters even their animosity is forced. It's as though the underlying premise of the movie, a man who uses his own experience with grief to help others move on through their own grief, drags the whole love story down. Here's a tip. Don't wallow in pain and regret if you're making a romantic comedy, and if you're making a drama-COMMIT. Don't dress it up like Barbie if it's, in fact, Bride of Chucky. I wanted to laugh a little, cry a little. I couldn't manage either. For Pete's sake, you even have the kooky sidekicks positions filled in this movie! That should automatically mean laugh out loud funny. I can say this in all honesty-I felt nothing. No joy, no sadness. I couldn't even muster the energy to leave the theater.
So, moviemakers, let's review. Cast people who have actual chemistry not commercial viability. Pick your genre and market it properly. Don't mislead the public with cutesy trailers and pop soundtracks. And, in the name of all that's holy, realize that sometimes love don't happen. It's okay. Let your characters walk away. Hopefully into better movies.
EAT.
Date food. No, you can't do that. I mean to say, what is good date food? Going out on a date in a strange city? Remember, at least some of us are hoping for a kiss or more at the end of the date so the Garlic Garden is probably not the best choice. Follow these tips, and I'm sure you'll have a better first date than Eloise and Burke-http://www.topdatingtips.com/dinner-dates.htm.
SHOP.
Everybody needs help once in a while, self-help, that is. Times are tough. Everybody is looking for direction and many are looking for a job. What better self-starting business than the self-help industry. We can all offer help to others. Need help improving your sarcasm? I can help! What a beautiful money-making enterprise. Learn how economic downturns breed self-help gurus at http://www.recessionwire.com/2009/03/17/redux-the-self-help-industry/. Then, what the hell, jump on board! Motivate over to http://selfhelpbusiness.com/ Do your part to boost the economy. Sell self-help. The market never shrinks. Maybe you'll even get a cardboard cutout of yourself.
SEE?
Look. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. People gotta work. They aren't always gonna make the best movies. (What?! I'm sure I've said that before.) Romantic comedies are a dime a dozen. We all know where we're going. We just want to enjoy the ride. This shouldn't be that hard. I'm not asking you for Shakespeare in Love or anything. Why is this so difficult? First problem-you have a semi-interesting idea with mediocre execution. I'm no genius so if I can figure out the "big secret" before the end of the movie then, well, can't anybody? Second problem-casting for the box office instead of the role. Hey. I like Jennifer Aniston. I like Aaron Eckhart. I do not like them together in this movie. Chemistry is a tricky thing. I think Eloise (Jennifer Aniston) had it right the first meeting when she blew Burke (Aaron Eckhart) off. There is simply no spark. It's not their fault. You don't screen test Jennifer Aniston and Aaron Eckhart. You simply thank your lucky stars that they agreed to do the movie. Pero, no fuego, no bueno.
Unfortunately for these two characters even their animosity is forced. It's as though the underlying premise of the movie, a man who uses his own experience with grief to help others move on through their own grief, drags the whole love story down. Here's a tip. Don't wallow in pain and regret if you're making a romantic comedy, and if you're making a drama-COMMIT. Don't dress it up like Barbie if it's, in fact, Bride of Chucky. I wanted to laugh a little, cry a little. I couldn't manage either. For Pete's sake, you even have the kooky sidekicks positions filled in this movie! That should automatically mean laugh out loud funny. I can say this in all honesty-I felt nothing. No joy, no sadness. I couldn't even muster the energy to leave the theater.
So, moviemakers, let's review. Cast people who have actual chemistry not commercial viability. Pick your genre and market it properly. Don't mislead the public with cutesy trailers and pop soundtracks. And, in the name of all that's holy, realize that sometimes love don't happen. It's okay. Let your characters walk away. Hopefully into better movies.
EAT.
Date food. No, you can't do that. I mean to say, what is good date food? Going out on a date in a strange city? Remember, at least some of us are hoping for a kiss or more at the end of the date so the Garlic Garden is probably not the best choice. Follow these tips, and I'm sure you'll have a better first date than Eloise and Burke-http://www.topdatingtips.com/dinner-dates.htm.
SHOP.
Everybody needs help once in a while, self-help, that is. Times are tough. Everybody is looking for direction and many are looking for a job. What better self-starting business than the self-help industry. We can all offer help to others. Need help improving your sarcasm? I can help! What a beautiful money-making enterprise. Learn how economic downturns breed self-help gurus at http://www.recessionwire.com/2009/03/17/redux-the-self-help-industry/. Then, what the hell, jump on board! Motivate over to http://selfhelpbusiness.com/ Do your part to boost the economy. Sell self-help. The market never shrinks. Maybe you'll even get a cardboard cutout of yourself.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Who's Dat Behind the Goggles?
Whiteout-Kate Beckinsdale, Tom Skerritt
SEE?
See? What's to see? Let's think this through, shall we? You can have a suspense movie in a blizzard. You can have a horror movie in a blizzard. You can have a romantic comedy in a blizzard. You cannot have an action/murder mystery movie in a blizzard. Wanna know why? Well, let's start with action implies a fast pace. Unless your film is set on downhill skis, it really ain't gonna keep a great pace in the snow. Also, have you ever seen people fight in minus 50 degree temperatures? No. They have full winter gear on! It's hard to fight in full winter gear. Swing a icepick? Sure. That works for a while, but it gets a little predictable. Then again, kinda hard to swing a icepick in 35 mile per hour winds, but hey, "A" for effort. Watching people walk (or be "chased") while attached to a safety line. Not compelling cinema even with the icepick coming at 'em. How do I know it's the bad guy? Oh. He's carrying the icepick! I hope he doesn't drop it, or we're in for a really long movie.
I liked Kate Beckisdale as a vampire. She had guns (And, no, I don't mean nice arms.) She actually carried weapons. Gotta love a vampire who requires bullets. Here, Ms. Beckinsdale plays U.S. Marshall Carrie Stetko (running out of last names are we?) stuck in the worst job assignment on earth-roaming Antarctica's remote science stations to resolve minor crimes. Then, lo-and-behold, on the last day before the long and sunless winter (and with a terrible snowstorm fast approaching, certainly faster than the plot), the first Antarctic murder drops, literally, in her lap. First, let me thank our director and writers (beware any screenplay with four writers attached) for the unnecessary and barely tasteful shower scene featuring Ms. Beckinsdale. I was very happy to know that she could, in fact, get a hot shower in the South Pole. What the hell that had to do with anything, I couldn't tell ya. I mean she enters frame and, basically walks through the building and into the shower. Even I felt dirty lingering over her long, hot shower through steamy glass, and I'm a straight chick. Suffice to say, the men in the audience were happy, and I was provided with "tit-for-tat" in the blurry naked form (later betoweled) of Alex O'Loughlin. Frat boy scenes just never get old, I tell ya.
Having had the rather dubious privilege of watching Ms. Beckinsdale undress for her shower so early in the movie, I can tell you with some certainty that she could not possibly stand up straight in blizzard conditions, nevermind, take on a 6'1" icepick wielding psycho. What about her guns, you ask? Well, hey, you try holding a gun in a gloved hand and shooting straight in a blizzard. Take the gloves off? Are you crazy? It's Antarctica, silly. Wanna lose that hand? I won't even talk about that part of the movie. I will, however, ask you this. What kind of U.S. Marshall enters a room with a potential murder suspect without her weapon drawn? A British one. No self-respecting American playing a U. S. Marshall would let that happen. Didn't you watch The Fugitive, Kate? C'mon. And as for Tom Skerritt-will someone please get this man a role for cryin' out loud?
EAT
Top ramen. No idea why. Ms. Beckinsdale's character has it in her room and apparently it is highly coveted on these remote science stations. Good luck to you.
SHOP.
A better line of work. Seriously. If you are lucky enough to still be employed these days and you're still complaining about your job, let's review the gloriousness of working in Antarctica. 1.) WAAAAY below freezing. 2.) Dark six months of the year. 3.) Psycho icepick wielding freaks. Um. No, thank you. De-seize the freeze at http://www.jobster.com/find/US/jobs/in//for/warm+weather.
SEE?
See? What's to see? Let's think this through, shall we? You can have a suspense movie in a blizzard. You can have a horror movie in a blizzard. You can have a romantic comedy in a blizzard. You cannot have an action/murder mystery movie in a blizzard. Wanna know why? Well, let's start with action implies a fast pace. Unless your film is set on downhill skis, it really ain't gonna keep a great pace in the snow. Also, have you ever seen people fight in minus 50 degree temperatures? No. They have full winter gear on! It's hard to fight in full winter gear. Swing a icepick? Sure. That works for a while, but it gets a little predictable. Then again, kinda hard to swing a icepick in 35 mile per hour winds, but hey, "A" for effort. Watching people walk (or be "chased") while attached to a safety line. Not compelling cinema even with the icepick coming at 'em. How do I know it's the bad guy? Oh. He's carrying the icepick! I hope he doesn't drop it, or we're in for a really long movie.
I liked Kate Beckisdale as a vampire. She had guns (And, no, I don't mean nice arms.) She actually carried weapons. Gotta love a vampire who requires bullets. Here, Ms. Beckinsdale plays U.S. Marshall Carrie Stetko (running out of last names are we?) stuck in the worst job assignment on earth-roaming Antarctica's remote science stations to resolve minor crimes. Then, lo-and-behold, on the last day before the long and sunless winter (and with a terrible snowstorm fast approaching, certainly faster than the plot), the first Antarctic murder drops, literally, in her lap. First, let me thank our director and writers (beware any screenplay with four writers attached) for the unnecessary and barely tasteful shower scene featuring Ms. Beckinsdale. I was very happy to know that she could, in fact, get a hot shower in the South Pole. What the hell that had to do with anything, I couldn't tell ya. I mean she enters frame and, basically walks through the building and into the shower. Even I felt dirty lingering over her long, hot shower through steamy glass, and I'm a straight chick. Suffice to say, the men in the audience were happy, and I was provided with "tit-for-tat" in the blurry naked form (later betoweled) of Alex O'Loughlin. Frat boy scenes just never get old, I tell ya.
Having had the rather dubious privilege of watching Ms. Beckinsdale undress for her shower so early in the movie, I can tell you with some certainty that she could not possibly stand up straight in blizzard conditions, nevermind, take on a 6'1" icepick wielding psycho. What about her guns, you ask? Well, hey, you try holding a gun in a gloved hand and shooting straight in a blizzard. Take the gloves off? Are you crazy? It's Antarctica, silly. Wanna lose that hand? I won't even talk about that part of the movie. I will, however, ask you this. What kind of U.S. Marshall enters a room with a potential murder suspect without her weapon drawn? A British one. No self-respecting American playing a U. S. Marshall would let that happen. Didn't you watch The Fugitive, Kate? C'mon. And as for Tom Skerritt-will someone please get this man a role for cryin' out loud?
EAT
Top ramen. No idea why. Ms. Beckinsdale's character has it in her room and apparently it is highly coveted on these remote science stations. Good luck to you.
SHOP.
A better line of work. Seriously. If you are lucky enough to still be employed these days and you're still complaining about your job, let's review the gloriousness of working in Antarctica. 1.) WAAAAY below freezing. 2.) Dark six months of the year. 3.) Psycho icepick wielding freaks. Um. No, thank you. De-seize the freeze at http://www.jobster.com/find/US/jobs/in//for/warm+weather.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Sew Me a River.
Bright Star-Abbie Cornish, Ben Whishaw
Director-Jane Campion
SEE.
I don't understand poetry. I try. You wouldn't think it would be that hard. It's just words. I understand words. Usually. Apparently, I would have been hard pressed in the love game back in the day of John Keats. People were clever and well-read. People could recite literature and poetry by heart. Men wooed women with their wit. (Apparently, they didn't have Tivo.) But hey, I understand a well made garment, and I'm not so foolish as to believe just that anybody can sew a thing of beauty "to be a joy forever." Poetry? Pshaw. A perfectly fitted dress? Now that's impressive. Luckily for me, we don't spend too much time analyzing the works of Keats here (I would have been lost) and poring over the many tragedies that marred his life and shaped his work (I cried enough honestly.) Instead, Jane Campion pays homage to the beauty of sewing (an intrinsically artistic talent) and sets it on a par with the words of one of the most revered of the Romantic Poets. You go, girl!
Sure, I was moved by the relationship between Keats (Ben Whishaw) and Fanny Brawne (Abbie Cornish), seamstress extraordinaire. Sure, I was saddened by the tragic and brief intersection of their lives. But mostly, I wanted to know why people back then seemed to think sewing is so damn easy?! Have they not seen Project Runway? Not everybody can sew a seam, my friends. Look, even I can make something rhyme. Just takes some time. But, no, I don't think Keats could have created that fancy party dress that Brawne wears. (Okay, I know. About a hundred seamstresses in a wardrobe department made that, but it's the principle!) Thanks to Campion's writing and direction, the audience can see that it is society which belittles Brawne's gifts as inconsequential in comparison with the writings of men. Brawne is a creative designer not just a darner of socks. Brawne takes her work as seriously as the poets in whose company she lives and demands perfection of even those simple things viewed as "women's work." Thank you, Jane Campion, for showing us that the clothier can produce a thing of equal beauty as the poet.
EAT.
Apparently, during Keats' illness he was alternately starved and bled or fed beef and wine. Choose the beef and wine. Unless you are a vegetarian. In which case, good luck with being bled.
SHOP.
Despite the popularity of Project Runway, some people still don't believe that sewing requires skill and artistry. Hurry up and find out for yourself. Apparently, September is National Sewing Month (Who decides these things?) "sew" express yourself (Sorry. Couldn't help it.) Read a little about the art of sewing versus the art of poetry http://www.openwriting.com/archives/2009/02/the_gentle_art.php then try it on for size. You might find it easier to produce a poem than sew a straight seam, but don't be discouraged. Stitch on up to http://www.sewing.org/.
Director-Jane Campion
SEE.
I don't understand poetry. I try. You wouldn't think it would be that hard. It's just words. I understand words. Usually. Apparently, I would have been hard pressed in the love game back in the day of John Keats. People were clever and well-read. People could recite literature and poetry by heart. Men wooed women with their wit. (Apparently, they didn't have Tivo.) But hey, I understand a well made garment, and I'm not so foolish as to believe just that anybody can sew a thing of beauty "to be a joy forever." Poetry? Pshaw. A perfectly fitted dress? Now that's impressive. Luckily for me, we don't spend too much time analyzing the works of Keats here (I would have been lost) and poring over the many tragedies that marred his life and shaped his work (I cried enough honestly.) Instead, Jane Campion pays homage to the beauty of sewing (an intrinsically artistic talent) and sets it on a par with the words of one of the most revered of the Romantic Poets. You go, girl!
Sure, I was moved by the relationship between Keats (Ben Whishaw) and Fanny Brawne (Abbie Cornish), seamstress extraordinaire. Sure, I was saddened by the tragic and brief intersection of their lives. But mostly, I wanted to know why people back then seemed to think sewing is so damn easy?! Have they not seen Project Runway? Not everybody can sew a seam, my friends. Look, even I can make something rhyme. Just takes some time. But, no, I don't think Keats could have created that fancy party dress that Brawne wears. (Okay, I know. About a hundred seamstresses in a wardrobe department made that, but it's the principle!) Thanks to Campion's writing and direction, the audience can see that it is society which belittles Brawne's gifts as inconsequential in comparison with the writings of men. Brawne is a creative designer not just a darner of socks. Brawne takes her work as seriously as the poets in whose company she lives and demands perfection of even those simple things viewed as "women's work." Thank you, Jane Campion, for showing us that the clothier can produce a thing of equal beauty as the poet.
EAT.
Apparently, during Keats' illness he was alternately starved and bled or fed beef and wine. Choose the beef and wine. Unless you are a vegetarian. In which case, good luck with being bled.
SHOP.
Despite the popularity of Project Runway, some people still don't believe that sewing requires skill and artistry. Hurry up and find out for yourself. Apparently, September is National Sewing Month (Who decides these things?) "sew" express yourself (Sorry. Couldn't help it.) Read a little about the art of sewing versus the art of poetry http://www.openwriting.com/archives/2009/02/the_gentle_art.php then try it on for size. You might find it easier to produce a poem than sew a straight seam, but don't be discouraged. Stitch on up to http://www.sewing.org/.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Bad Employee
EXTRACT-Jason Bateman, Ben Affleck, Gene Simmons
SEE.
Let's take a minute to honor the American worker. Why, you ask? Isn't this a movie about a guy so disillusioned by his passionless marriage that he falls for a beautiful grifter with designs on bankrupting his company?! Yeah, yeah. Sure. That may be the story the trailer tried to sell you, but, in reality, this movie is a story about how the entitled American worker is making him/herself an endangered species. In this historic time of global economic difficult, the one universal truth that we can all count on is you'd better be good at your job. And being good at your job doesn't mean you'll get to keep it.
I mean unemployment isn't way up just because machines can do your job. Let's study the employees of the Reynolds Extract, and see what we American workers are doing wrong. First, we have Step, clearly he believes he is king of the company even though his only claim superiority is the rather dubious title "fastest sorter." Step represents the co-worker we all love to hate (unless we are, in fact, that coworker). He's the guy who can tell you best how to do your job even though he never seems to be doing his. Speaking of not working, we have Rory, a barely competent goth type who, when not destroying the product at his workplace, is plying his coworkers with flyers for his band's "concert." Let's not neglect management, we have to include Brian, the number 2 guy in the company who can't be bothered to learn any of the employees' names although he has a razor sharp memory for their faults. Finally there's Mary, a racist, know-it-all who delights in watching others fail as a means of proving how invaluable she is as a worker (how wrong she is.)
Why do we care about these people? We don't. Joel (Jason Bateman) wants nothing more than to leave this company he created behind and why? Because these people, his employees, are slack, over-entitled, incompetent meat puppets who have taken for granted the gift of earning a paycheck. Yet somehow, in the end (SPOILER ALERT), he comes to realizes that being the patriarch of this dysfunctional family is the best thing that's ever happened to him. No, I don't get it either. Please point me in the direction of the company that survives with that financial model. I need a new line of work.
EAT.
Make your own extract. Build your own company. And for cryin' out loud, please hire decent labor. Visit www.cooks.com and enter "make your own extract." Please don't make anything freaky.
SHOP.
Ambulance chasers. Sorry, once you've seen Gene Simmons play a low-life attorney, you're gonna want to get one of your own. Ball breaker, that one. Literally. Good news, there's an app for that. Visit www.sueeasy.com. May the best chaser win.
SEE.
Let's take a minute to honor the American worker. Why, you ask? Isn't this a movie about a guy so disillusioned by his passionless marriage that he falls for a beautiful grifter with designs on bankrupting his company?! Yeah, yeah. Sure. That may be the story the trailer tried to sell you, but, in reality, this movie is a story about how the entitled American worker is making him/herself an endangered species. In this historic time of global economic difficult, the one universal truth that we can all count on is you'd better be good at your job. And being good at your job doesn't mean you'll get to keep it.
I mean unemployment isn't way up just because machines can do your job. Let's study the employees of the Reynolds Extract, and see what we American workers are doing wrong. First, we have Step, clearly he believes he is king of the company even though his only claim superiority is the rather dubious title "fastest sorter." Step represents the co-worker we all love to hate (unless we are, in fact, that coworker). He's the guy who can tell you best how to do your job even though he never seems to be doing his. Speaking of not working, we have Rory, a barely competent goth type who, when not destroying the product at his workplace, is plying his coworkers with flyers for his band's "concert." Let's not neglect management, we have to include Brian, the number 2 guy in the company who can't be bothered to learn any of the employees' names although he has a razor sharp memory for their faults. Finally there's Mary, a racist, know-it-all who delights in watching others fail as a means of proving how invaluable she is as a worker (how wrong she is.)
Why do we care about these people? We don't. Joel (Jason Bateman) wants nothing more than to leave this company he created behind and why? Because these people, his employees, are slack, over-entitled, incompetent meat puppets who have taken for granted the gift of earning a paycheck. Yet somehow, in the end (SPOILER ALERT), he comes to realizes that being the patriarch of this dysfunctional family is the best thing that's ever happened to him. No, I don't get it either. Please point me in the direction of the company that survives with that financial model. I need a new line of work.
EAT.
Make your own extract. Build your own company. And for cryin' out loud, please hire decent labor. Visit www.cooks.com and enter "make your own extract." Please don't make anything freaky.
SHOP.
Ambulance chasers. Sorry, once you've seen Gene Simmons play a low-life attorney, you're gonna want to get one of your own. Ball breaker, that one. Literally. Good news, there's an app for that. Visit www.sueeasy.com. May the best chaser win.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
No Sympathy for the Devil
District 9-Starring-People we don't know.
Director-Neill Blomkamp
SEE?
So you're an alien species. Your spaceship stalls out over South Africa. The South Africans armed with bullets and helicopters somehow manage to transport you from your ship to the slums of South Africa (shockingly in a black neighborhood!). I guess your superior technology is no match for hot-fired lead? Years pass and your race has declined in this filthy refugee camp reduced to eating cat food and trash and lacking any apparent desire to fix the spaceship, overthrow the humans and go home. (Um, okay. 'Cause who wouldn't want to live like that?) Meanwhile, humankind-all of them-black, white and indifferent- seem to have developed a virulent, anti-alien bias. I mean don't we all look for somebody else to point the finger at when times are tough? Faced with growing "Not-In-My-Backyard" sentiment, an evil corporation (is there any other kind?) commences a mission to remove the alien beings to a far, far away refugee camp. During said mission, a hapless corporate employee with a fairly "anti-alien" attitudes stumbles upon the only alien (in a camp of thousands), Christopher, with the know-how and a plan to make the debilitated alien ship operable.
Our hapless corporate employee manages to avert the plan to repair the stalled mothership by confiscating a "mysterious alien fluid. " Sadly, Hapless has no idea what the fluid is or that the plot exists. If he'd known, he probably wouldn't have opened the container before turning it over to the evil corporation. But, he did, thereby releasing the fluid which begins to transform Hapless into one of THEM-a prawn-like alien. Bummer. But a perfect opportunity for our bigoted corporate employee to learn first hand about the horrible treatment and squalid living conditions of these poor alien beings. Why, one might even take this opportunity-becoming what you hate the most-to broaden one's horizons, open one's eyes, change one's views. But not if you're turning into an alien who looks like a giant green shrimp! Not if your hair, teeth and nails are falling out! Not if your hand is turning into a claw. Not if your skin is turning into green scales. Did Jeff Goldblum's character suddenly develop a new respect for insects in The Fly? No! He was jut totally grossed out by his transformation and desperately wanted to get back to the meat-eating, insect crushing human that he was before. Anyhoo...
...I'll skip the whole part about how the half human, half alien hapless corporate employee is used by the evil corporation (and his evil father-in-law) to operate alien weapons. That's not the most interesting part of the story. Not to me anyway. What's really interesting is how Hapless and Christopher, the only alien who can fix the ship (in a camp of thousands), overcome mutual mistrust and work together to regain control of the mysterious fluid that will make the ship operational again. Well, almost. I won't spoil too much of the fascinating subplots (alien-eating Nigerians, anyone?). You'll have to decide for yourself, but I was left a little empty. Perhaps it was the "reality" which left me empty. You must ask yourself, "Why does Hapless help Christopher? Is it really because he's understood how wrong mankind's treatment of the aliens is? Or is it because he's been promised a return to a normal human life (albeit in three years)?" C'mon. You know the answer. Doesn't it make you kinda sad? Nice try, Neill. Overly simplistic, but nice try.
EAT.
Well, I haven't dined upon any cat food lately, but they do seem to offer and amazing variety of flavors, and the aliens sure seem to like it! Okay, never mind. Trust me. You'll be okay without eating for quite some time after seeing this one.
SHOP.
Director-Neill Blomkamp
SEE?
So you're an alien species. Your spaceship stalls out over South Africa. The South Africans armed with bullets and helicopters somehow manage to transport you from your ship to the slums of South Africa (shockingly in a black neighborhood!). I guess your superior technology is no match for hot-fired lead? Years pass and your race has declined in this filthy refugee camp reduced to eating cat food and trash and lacking any apparent desire to fix the spaceship, overthrow the humans and go home. (Um, okay. 'Cause who wouldn't want to live like that?) Meanwhile, humankind-all of them-black, white and indifferent- seem to have developed a virulent, anti-alien bias. I mean don't we all look for somebody else to point the finger at when times are tough? Faced with growing "Not-In-My-Backyard" sentiment, an evil corporation (is there any other kind?) commences a mission to remove the alien beings to a far, far away refugee camp. During said mission, a hapless corporate employee with a fairly "anti-alien" attitudes stumbles upon the only alien (in a camp of thousands), Christopher, with the know-how and a plan to make the debilitated alien ship operable.
Our hapless corporate employee manages to avert the plan to repair the stalled mothership by confiscating a "mysterious alien fluid. " Sadly, Hapless has no idea what the fluid is or that the plot exists. If he'd known, he probably wouldn't have opened the container before turning it over to the evil corporation. But, he did, thereby releasing the fluid which begins to transform Hapless into one of THEM-a prawn-like alien. Bummer. But a perfect opportunity for our bigoted corporate employee to learn first hand about the horrible treatment and squalid living conditions of these poor alien beings. Why, one might even take this opportunity-becoming what you hate the most-to broaden one's horizons, open one's eyes, change one's views. But not if you're turning into an alien who looks like a giant green shrimp! Not if your hair, teeth and nails are falling out! Not if your hand is turning into a claw. Not if your skin is turning into green scales. Did Jeff Goldblum's character suddenly develop a new respect for insects in The Fly? No! He was jut totally grossed out by his transformation and desperately wanted to get back to the meat-eating, insect crushing human that he was before. Anyhoo...
...I'll skip the whole part about how the half human, half alien hapless corporate employee is used by the evil corporation (and his evil father-in-law) to operate alien weapons. That's not the most interesting part of the story. Not to me anyway. What's really interesting is how Hapless and Christopher, the only alien who can fix the ship (in a camp of thousands), overcome mutual mistrust and work together to regain control of the mysterious fluid that will make the ship operational again. Well, almost. I won't spoil too much of the fascinating subplots (alien-eating Nigerians, anyone?). You'll have to decide for yourself, but I was left a little empty. Perhaps it was the "reality" which left me empty. You must ask yourself, "Why does Hapless help Christopher? Is it really because he's understood how wrong mankind's treatment of the aliens is? Or is it because he's been promised a return to a normal human life (albeit in three years)?" C'mon. You know the answer. Doesn't it make you kinda sad? Nice try, Neill. Overly simplistic, but nice try.
EAT.
Well, I haven't dined upon any cat food lately, but they do seem to offer and amazing variety of flavors, and the aliens sure seem to like it! Okay, never mind. Trust me. You'll be okay without eating for quite some time after seeing this one.
SHOP.
How about a course in tolerance? Learn to accept the aliens in your neighborhood. Learn better communication skills. Maybe sample some of their preferred cuisine. Can't we all just get along? Here's to learning to love your inner prawn..I mean alien-http://www.training-classes.com/learn/_k/c/u/l/cultural_sensitivity/.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Generation Nice.
Children's Television-WTH!
Parents, this will be unbelievably offensive as I am not a parent.
You've been warned.
SEE?
So, I'd like to take a moment to depart from reviewing adult-oriented films, and express my concerns about what today's youth is watching. No. I'm not concerned that our little ones are watching too much foul-mouthed,violent, overtly sexual, morally complicated, cynical television. I'm concerned that they are not watching enough of it. Yeah. You heard me. Lookout, America. You reap what you sow, and you're sowing the seeds of Generation Nice. Sure. We want our little darlings to grow up with decent qualities that will render them capable of navigating the choppy waters of social acceptability. We also want them to be able to share with others and follow through with difficult tasks. And what a bonus if they can speak one or more languages fluently before they're in college. Thank you, Dora the Explorer! Si and yes.
When I'm in my twilight years and the world is rapidly sinking down the toilet (literally and figuratively), I may be comforted to know that my country is being capably run by the sweetest, most law-abiding, honest generation ever raised. And then again, I may not be. Maybe, I actually believe that not all things in this world are gained by being polite. Maybe, I want some ruthless, independent, get-it-at-all-costs c**ksuckers on my team. You know, like the innovative bastards who built this country because they were not suckled at their mothers' breasts until the age of thirty. Yes, there was thievery, racism, sexism, hell, every "ism" in the book used to make this country a superpower, but that's not what I'm advocating. I'm looking for the qualities of endurance, perseverance coupled with nerve, innovation and desire. I'm looking for the leaders not the followers in today's youth. And what I'm seeing frightens me.
We place our children in front of television screens and have them watch animated movies and TV shows designed to impart "life lessons" through the eyes of their favorite fluffy characters. Heaven forbid we shove them outside with some sunscreen and a curfew and tell them to use what's left of their imagination for a change. Maybe, if we didn't isolate our children inside, I wouldn't be forced to watch remakes of movies and TV shows that I already saw in their original format-yeah, I'm that old. Maybe our kids wouldn't be whiny zombies whose only ambition is in finding the path of least resistance.
Hey, here's a thought (before I have to watch one more Sleeping Beauty, Dora the Explorer, Wonder Pets DVD with my niece.) Life is hard. Making it easy or even easier for kids than you had it is the legacy of all parents I suppose, but you aren't doing your kids or yourselves or your planet any favors by holding your kids' hands all damn day. After I played outside(!), my parents sat me down in front of two of the most boring shows a child could watch the McNeill-Lehrer News Hour and/or 60 Minutes. My parents were not afraid for me to see blood, conflict and good versus evil in the real world because the real world is where I was going to be living. (Oddly, my mother always covered my eyes for certain parts of the Kung Fu television series, but who can blame her?)
Yeah, it's sweet teaching our kids to share with others, to be nice, to be bilingual, to save baby dolphins trapped in fishing nets. These are all admirable traits and goals, and I'd love to see my niece go save some dolphins in the ocean with her cartoon pets while speaking Spanish. NOT THE REAL WORLD. (Well, the Spanish part is.) At what age do you introduce reality? At what age do you stop our children from worrying about imaginary monsters and start focusing their attention on facing real problems? I say, don't wait too long. You do them a disservice by shielding from the world they live in instead of showing them yourselves how to use the best tools to navigate this world and perhaps even be independent and savvy enough to change it for the better. Parents may point to a show like Gossip Girl and think their kids are growing up too soon. I assure you Gossip Girl is no measure of adulthood, and your kids may need to grow up sooner than you think.
EAT.
Adult food. Time to stop catering to what the kiddies say they want to eat. When your kid gets to the school cafeteria, she will not be offered whatever her little heart desires so time to toughen her up. Enough picky eaters. Serve 'em a steak or chicken wing or a tofuburger for all I care, but it's time to cowboy up!
SHOP.
Let's start small. Ease your kid into the adult world with a morning news show (it's hardly news at all) then work your way to the nightly stuff. Teach your kids that bad things happen, personal responsibility is as important as working with others and humor helps us all to survive in tough times.
Parents, this will be unbelievably offensive as I am not a parent.
You've been warned.
SEE?
So, I'd like to take a moment to depart from reviewing adult-oriented films, and express my concerns about what today's youth is watching. No. I'm not concerned that our little ones are watching too much foul-mouthed,violent, overtly sexual, morally complicated, cynical television. I'm concerned that they are not watching enough of it. Yeah. You heard me. Lookout, America. You reap what you sow, and you're sowing the seeds of Generation Nice. Sure. We want our little darlings to grow up with decent qualities that will render them capable of navigating the choppy waters of social acceptability. We also want them to be able to share with others and follow through with difficult tasks. And what a bonus if they can speak one or more languages fluently before they're in college. Thank you, Dora the Explorer! Si and yes.
When I'm in my twilight years and the world is rapidly sinking down the toilet (literally and figuratively), I may be comforted to know that my country is being capably run by the sweetest, most law-abiding, honest generation ever raised. And then again, I may not be. Maybe, I actually believe that not all things in this world are gained by being polite. Maybe, I want some ruthless, independent, get-it-at-all-costs c**ksuckers on my team. You know, like the innovative bastards who built this country because they were not suckled at their mothers' breasts until the age of thirty. Yes, there was thievery, racism, sexism, hell, every "ism" in the book used to make this country a superpower, but that's not what I'm advocating. I'm looking for the qualities of endurance, perseverance coupled with nerve, innovation and desire. I'm looking for the leaders not the followers in today's youth. And what I'm seeing frightens me.
We place our children in front of television screens and have them watch animated movies and TV shows designed to impart "life lessons" through the eyes of their favorite fluffy characters. Heaven forbid we shove them outside with some sunscreen and a curfew and tell them to use what's left of their imagination for a change. Maybe, if we didn't isolate our children inside, I wouldn't be forced to watch remakes of movies and TV shows that I already saw in their original format-yeah, I'm that old. Maybe our kids wouldn't be whiny zombies whose only ambition is in finding the path of least resistance.
Hey, here's a thought (before I have to watch one more Sleeping Beauty, Dora the Explorer, Wonder Pets DVD with my niece.) Life is hard. Making it easy or even easier for kids than you had it is the legacy of all parents I suppose, but you aren't doing your kids or yourselves or your planet any favors by holding your kids' hands all damn day. After I played outside(!), my parents sat me down in front of two of the most boring shows a child could watch the McNeill-Lehrer News Hour and/or 60 Minutes. My parents were not afraid for me to see blood, conflict and good versus evil in the real world because the real world is where I was going to be living. (Oddly, my mother always covered my eyes for certain parts of the Kung Fu television series, but who can blame her?)
Yeah, it's sweet teaching our kids to share with others, to be nice, to be bilingual, to save baby dolphins trapped in fishing nets. These are all admirable traits and goals, and I'd love to see my niece go save some dolphins in the ocean with her cartoon pets while speaking Spanish. NOT THE REAL WORLD. (Well, the Spanish part is.) At what age do you introduce reality? At what age do you stop our children from worrying about imaginary monsters and start focusing their attention on facing real problems? I say, don't wait too long. You do them a disservice by shielding from the world they live in instead of showing them yourselves how to use the best tools to navigate this world and perhaps even be independent and savvy enough to change it for the better. Parents may point to a show like Gossip Girl and think their kids are growing up too soon. I assure you Gossip Girl is no measure of adulthood, and your kids may need to grow up sooner than you think.
EAT.
Adult food. Time to stop catering to what the kiddies say they want to eat. When your kid gets to the school cafeteria, she will not be offered whatever her little heart desires so time to toughen her up. Enough picky eaters. Serve 'em a steak or chicken wing or a tofuburger for all I care, but it's time to cowboy up!
SHOP.
Let's start small. Ease your kid into the adult world with a morning news show (it's hardly news at all) then work your way to the nightly stuff. Teach your kids that bad things happen, personal responsibility is as important as working with others and humor helps us all to survive in tough times.
Monday, August 31, 2009
I Suspend All Disbelief
The Time Traveler's Wife-Eric Bana, Rachel McAdams
MAJOR SPOILER ALERT!!!
SEE.
Okay. You got me. I kinda almost shed a tear at the end of this movie. Whatever. It was watchable. I got suckered in. They prey upon the weak. Doesn't hurt that Eric Bana exudes a strangely clueless sexy charm when he's not playing a stoic action hero. Rachel McAdams with her giant eyes, even bigger smile and perfect skin. They're just soooo pretty. Soooo tragic. How could you not be sucked in? That's all well and good, but if your character is so hard up for a date that when he time travels, he courts a six year-old, it seems to me that said character should get a therapist not his own movie. (I know. I know. He meets her in the future and the past.) Still creepy. Would have been less creepy to have Henry (Eric Bana) time travel to see Claire (Rachel McAdams) when he was a six year old boy instead of a forty year old man to her six years. Is it me?
I won't speak a lot about this movie. Who can argue the premise? I mean I submitted to view a movie about time travel. What am I gonna complain about? It's my own damn fault if I don't understand how a baby time travels out of the womb. And, if a kid is three years old and time travelling, what could the odds of survival possibly be? I mean, Henry is six when he starts time travelling. Hardly equipped to survive in the world for days at a time without money, clothes and guidance. I guess sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug in this movie. (P.S.-The BBC apparently thinks The Time Traveler's Wife is one of one hundred books in the history of the world that you should read. Yeah. I don't get it either, but, hey, read the book, maybe it explains infant time travelers better.) Oh, but kudos for setting up the sequel everybody. I'm totally ready for The Time Traveler's Daughter Who Also Time Travels. Cool
title, huh?
EAT.
Good news. If you're a time traveler, dieting is gonna be a snap. Chances are you'll never get to finish a meal.
SHOP.
C'mon. Why would you buy anything at all? You're gonna be travelling randomly through time! Naked! I guess you might want to invest in skills like weaving, sewing and knitting so you can make yourself some clothes just in case you wind up in a time period without a shopping center on every corner. So craft up, baby. Get yourself a skill set at http://www.learntoweavewithsherrie.com/ or http://www.learntoknit.com/ or http://sewing.about.com/od/beginner1/bb/sewing101.htm. Or you can just go au naturel in the world. Surely, if you're randomly thrown through time and hitting on six year old children, clothes are the least of your problems.
MAJOR SPOILER ALERT!!!
SEE.
Okay. You got me. I kinda almost shed a tear at the end of this movie. Whatever. It was watchable. I got suckered in. They prey upon the weak. Doesn't hurt that Eric Bana exudes a strangely clueless sexy charm when he's not playing a stoic action hero. Rachel McAdams with her giant eyes, even bigger smile and perfect skin. They're just soooo pretty. Soooo tragic. How could you not be sucked in? That's all well and good, but if your character is so hard up for a date that when he time travels, he courts a six year-old, it seems to me that said character should get a therapist not his own movie. (I know. I know. He meets her in the future and the past.) Still creepy. Would have been less creepy to have Henry (Eric Bana) time travel to see Claire (Rachel McAdams) when he was a six year old boy instead of a forty year old man to her six years. Is it me?
I won't speak a lot about this movie. Who can argue the premise? I mean I submitted to view a movie about time travel. What am I gonna complain about? It's my own damn fault if I don't understand how a baby time travels out of the womb. And, if a kid is three years old and time travelling, what could the odds of survival possibly be? I mean, Henry is six when he starts time travelling. Hardly equipped to survive in the world for days at a time without money, clothes and guidance. I guess sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug in this movie. (P.S.-The BBC apparently thinks The Time Traveler's Wife is one of one hundred books in the history of the world that you should read. Yeah. I don't get it either, but, hey, read the book, maybe it explains infant time travelers better.) Oh, but kudos for setting up the sequel everybody. I'm totally ready for The Time Traveler's Daughter Who Also Time Travels. Cool
title, huh?
EAT.
Good news. If you're a time traveler, dieting is gonna be a snap. Chances are you'll never get to finish a meal.
SHOP.
C'mon. Why would you buy anything at all? You're gonna be travelling randomly through time! Naked! I guess you might want to invest in skills like weaving, sewing and knitting so you can make yourself some clothes just in case you wind up in a time period without a shopping center on every corner. So craft up, baby. Get yourself a skill set at http://www.learntoweavewithsherrie.com/ or http://www.learntoknit.com/ or http://sewing.about.com/od/beginner1/bb/sewing101.htm. Or you can just go au naturel in the world. Surely, if you're randomly thrown through time and hitting on six year old children, clothes are the least of your problems.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Not the Next Julia Child
Julie & Julia-Meryl Streep, Amy Adams
Director-Nora Ephron
SEE.
Okay. Brace yourselves. I actually read the book upon which this movie is based. (I know, I know. The world as you know it has ended.) I was empowered by Julie Powell's book. She inspired me to cook food with no fear. She inspired me to write a blog. She inspired me to take chances. Powell's book was funny and touching. She wove a great story of how love and success can overcome personal failure and self-doubt as we travelled down her culinary path with Julia Child. Through it all, Julie Powell's foibles and faults were made more charming by her use of Julia Child's life and letters as a way to make sense of all the ups and downs of Powell's own life.
That said, no one I know who saw the film version of Julie and Julia has any regard for Julie Powell as a character. I will stress the character part because, hell, I don't personally know Julie Powell. Maybe she is not the sniveling, screaming, crying, wimpy basketcase-from-hell who stumbled upon phenomenal success by cooking from a cookbook (gotta love America) and writing a blog about it as she is portrayed by Amy Adams. (God help her husband if she is.) I'm sorry. Did that sound bitter? There is literally not a shred of sympathy to be scraped up for the film's Julie Powell. We just want to punch her. This is a shame, because I truly believe that the woman who found success in the world, the woman who wrote the book has more substance to her than we ever see in the movie. Nora Ephron cheated Julie Powell of that depth to focus on the crowning Julia of the movie-Julia Child.
Who wouldn't want to focus on Meryl Streep? She brings Julia Child to life with a vivaciousness that makes it impossible not to love Julia Child. Hard damn competition for Ms. Powell. Even in the face of failure, Streep's Child does not fully cower. She certainly does not fall into a sobbing heap over a chicken like Ms. Powell. She is absolutely heroic in her approach to life which is absolutely what Julie Powell discovered in her quest to bake, broil and braise her way through Child's cookbook. Sad that Nora Ephron and Amy Adams couldn't make Ms. Powell's character and quest something to which the audience could aspire. I guess we'll have to leave it to Ms. Powell's book instead. (I know, I know. Shocking. Read a book? What the hell?)
EAT.
C'mon. You can do this. Even if you can't boil water. You gotta try. That's what these stories are about. Conquer your fear. Take life by the lobster tails. Cook yourself something. It doesn't have to be from Mastering the Art of French Cooking. (If it is be sure you have a fire extinguisher handy.) Make yourself something simple then sit back and bask in the glow of a good meal. To help you get there...
SHOP.
Director-Nora Ephron
SEE.
Okay. Brace yourselves. I actually read the book upon which this movie is based. (I know, I know. The world as you know it has ended.) I was empowered by Julie Powell's book. She inspired me to cook food with no fear. She inspired me to write a blog. She inspired me to take chances. Powell's book was funny and touching. She wove a great story of how love and success can overcome personal failure and self-doubt as we travelled down her culinary path with Julia Child. Through it all, Julie Powell's foibles and faults were made more charming by her use of Julia Child's life and letters as a way to make sense of all the ups and downs of Powell's own life.
That said, no one I know who saw the film version of Julie and Julia has any regard for Julie Powell as a character. I will stress the character part because, hell, I don't personally know Julie Powell. Maybe she is not the sniveling, screaming, crying, wimpy basketcase-from-hell who stumbled upon phenomenal success by cooking from a cookbook (gotta love America) and writing a blog about it as she is portrayed by Amy Adams. (God help her husband if she is.) I'm sorry. Did that sound bitter? There is literally not a shred of sympathy to be scraped up for the film's Julie Powell. We just want to punch her. This is a shame, because I truly believe that the woman who found success in the world, the woman who wrote the book has more substance to her than we ever see in the movie. Nora Ephron cheated Julie Powell of that depth to focus on the crowning Julia of the movie-Julia Child.
Who wouldn't want to focus on Meryl Streep? She brings Julia Child to life with a vivaciousness that makes it impossible not to love Julia Child. Hard damn competition for Ms. Powell. Even in the face of failure, Streep's Child does not fully cower. She certainly does not fall into a sobbing heap over a chicken like Ms. Powell. She is absolutely heroic in her approach to life which is absolutely what Julie Powell discovered in her quest to bake, broil and braise her way through Child's cookbook. Sad that Nora Ephron and Amy Adams couldn't make Ms. Powell's character and quest something to which the audience could aspire. I guess we'll have to leave it to Ms. Powell's book instead. (I know, I know. Shocking. Read a book? What the hell?)
EAT.
C'mon. You can do this. Even if you can't boil water. You gotta try. That's what these stories are about. Conquer your fear. Take life by the lobster tails. Cook yourself something. It doesn't have to be from Mastering the Art of French Cooking. (If it is be sure you have a fire extinguisher handy.) Make yourself something simple then sit back and bask in the glow of a good meal. To help you get there...
SHOP.
No idea how one learns to cook online, but rest assured, if it needs doing, you can find it on the web. Slice and dice yourself proud (but not bloody please) at http://www.cookingdude.com/ or http://www.chef2chef.net/learn-to-cook/ or http://www.fooddoneright.com/online-cooking-school/. Bon appetit! (Maybe you should get the fire extinguisher just in case.)
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Funny People- Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen
Director-Judd Apatow
SPOILER ALERT!
SEE.
I'm not an Adam Sandler fan. Before you get all judgmental, it's not that I don't like Adam Sandler. It's just that his particular brand of humor doesn't move me. (With the exception of the brilliant "Hanukkah Song.") Funny People, however, has brought me a whole new level of respect for Adam Sandler as an actor. No, I really mean it. The plot: A stand-up comedian turned movie star, George Simmons (Sandler), fdiscovers he has a potentially fatal disease and decides to reconnect with a now married ex-girlfriend. Just to make this a man-friendly plot, we throw in aspiring comedian, Ira Wright (Seth Rogen) to be his personal assistant. You with me so far? Good, 'cause I'm not going any farther. (Okay, this is not a big stretch for Sandler. It's not like he's playing a 17th century British poet or something. Still, he gets the job done well without being over the top and weepy.)
Frankly, Sandler's George Simmons can be a hard character to like and he still makes us root for him. He appears to be a pretty good guy (giving his assistant, Ira, opportunities to perform his own routine and giving his possessions away) but when Simmons unleashes his anger on his fans, he doesn't hold back. That's a tough line to tow, and probably why Apatow needed an Adam Sandler instead of a Jim Carrey or an Eddie Murphy. Sandler can house the "nice guy/asshole" character in one body and still not completely piss you off. As far as casting goes, Apatow's muse du jour, Seth Rogen, is tailor-made for the part of Ira Wright. I mean he really commits to cluelessness. Only Rogen could bring the role of a goofy aspiring comic with a heart of gold to life with such full-throttle naivete, and still leave the audience a little charmed.
Unfortunately, Apatow needs a little work with the womenfolk. Unless schizo former actress who goes from "I hate you. Don't call me." to "You're my one true love. Let's have sex." in zero to sixty is your cup of tea. Don't get me wrong. I understand. George is dying so she has nothing to lose. (Hell, I might give this tactic a try with some of my friends one day.) But, once you know that the guy is not dying and, not only is he not dying anymore, but he has his assistant tell you-well, you should get a clue. This chick is a mess. (Leave your kids alone with some guy you just met 'cause he's your ex-boyfriend's assistant. I don't think so.) Apatow is a guy's writer which is not a problem generally, but it makes for somewhat one-sided storytelling. Real, non-crazy women exist, even in comedyland, Judd. Find one.
EAT.
Thanksgiving dinner in Los Angeles with friends. No family. George's speech about that being the best Thanksgiving those kids would ever have was absolutely true. In celebration of friendship in the city where your friends sleep with your lovers for your own good, order up an early Thanksgiving and invite some long lost friends to celebrate. Order up at http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/84915/where_to_find_prepared_thanksgiving.html?cat=8.
SHOP.
Ah, what to do when you have thousands of dollars worth of free gifts and cars to give away before your imminent death. What's that? You don't have that problem. Don'y worry. You will. Get prepared at http://www.freecycle.org/ Give it away, give it away, give it away now. Oh, and I'm open to receiving. Just so you know.
Director-Judd Apatow
SPOILER ALERT!
SEE.
I'm not an Adam Sandler fan. Before you get all judgmental, it's not that I don't like Adam Sandler. It's just that his particular brand of humor doesn't move me. (With the exception of the brilliant "Hanukkah Song.") Funny People, however, has brought me a whole new level of respect for Adam Sandler as an actor. No, I really mean it. The plot: A stand-up comedian turned movie star, George Simmons (Sandler), fdiscovers he has a potentially fatal disease and decides to reconnect with a now married ex-girlfriend. Just to make this a man-friendly plot, we throw in aspiring comedian, Ira Wright (Seth Rogen) to be his personal assistant. You with me so far? Good, 'cause I'm not going any farther. (Okay, this is not a big stretch for Sandler. It's not like he's playing a 17th century British poet or something. Still, he gets the job done well without being over the top and weepy.)
Frankly, Sandler's George Simmons can be a hard character to like and he still makes us root for him. He appears to be a pretty good guy (giving his assistant, Ira, opportunities to perform his own routine and giving his possessions away) but when Simmons unleashes his anger on his fans, he doesn't hold back. That's a tough line to tow, and probably why Apatow needed an Adam Sandler instead of a Jim Carrey or an Eddie Murphy. Sandler can house the "nice guy/asshole" character in one body and still not completely piss you off. As far as casting goes, Apatow's muse du jour, Seth Rogen, is tailor-made for the part of Ira Wright. I mean he really commits to cluelessness. Only Rogen could bring the role of a goofy aspiring comic with a heart of gold to life with such full-throttle naivete, and still leave the audience a little charmed.
Unfortunately, Apatow needs a little work with the womenfolk. Unless schizo former actress who goes from "I hate you. Don't call me." to "You're my one true love. Let's have sex." in zero to sixty is your cup of tea. Don't get me wrong. I understand. George is dying so she has nothing to lose. (Hell, I might give this tactic a try with some of my friends one day.) But, once you know that the guy is not dying and, not only is he not dying anymore, but he has his assistant tell you-well, you should get a clue. This chick is a mess. (Leave your kids alone with some guy you just met 'cause he's your ex-boyfriend's assistant. I don't think so.) Apatow is a guy's writer which is not a problem generally, but it makes for somewhat one-sided storytelling. Real, non-crazy women exist, even in comedyland, Judd. Find one.
EAT.
Thanksgiving dinner in Los Angeles with friends. No family. George's speech about that being the best Thanksgiving those kids would ever have was absolutely true. In celebration of friendship in the city where your friends sleep with your lovers for your own good, order up an early Thanksgiving and invite some long lost friends to celebrate. Order up at http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/84915/where_to_find_prepared_thanksgiving.html?cat=8.
SHOP.
Ah, what to do when you have thousands of dollars worth of free gifts and cars to give away before your imminent death. What's that? You don't have that problem. Don'y worry. You will. Get prepared at http://www.freecycle.org/ Give it away, give it away, give it away now. Oh, and I'm open to receiving. Just so you know.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Truth in Advertising
The Ugly Truth-Katherine Heigl, Gerard Butler
SEE?
"Men cannot grow, change or progress," Mike, host of The Ugly Truth. Apparently, neither can Hollywood.
I'm going to borrow a line from another movie I just saw to describe this movie-"This is not a love story." A love story is about how two people grow together and accept each other's more negative qualities because of their love. Each person becomes a better person for knowing the other person. Or some bulls**t like that. This is not what happens in The Ugly Truth. I didn't realize that going in. I did the same old thing I always do. I went to see a romantic comedy in order to gain some insight into to how to get a date. (No, I don't know why I keep doing this. I must be clinically insane.) Alas, no insight was to be gained here.
Here we have the same old standard premise. Abby (Katherine Heigl), a successful, smart, attractive woman, described as a "control freak" (a quality without which she would not excel at her job) finds herself alone with her cat, her knitting and her list of qualities which her perfect mate must have. (How new and inventive!) When her station manager decides to employ Mike (Gerard Butler), a misleadingly cocky and seemingly misogynistic cable television show host, Abby finds herself a bit flummoxed. The situation rapidly deteriorates when Abby meets her neighbor, The Perfect Man, and, in a shocking twist of fate, makes a deal with Mike: Help me land this man, and I will forever shut my mouth about your demeaning relationship advice for women. And, thusly, the plot plods on.
We, the stupefied audience, get to watch Abby sex up and dumb down to get her man aided by the somewhat disturbing advice of Mike. I mean the unsuitably sexy wardrobe, the hot dog eating scene, the vibrating underwear, the fake hair, the unwillingness to express an opinion or criticize. Let's all stop for a minute and ponder the sick male mind that thought this movie up. What's that? It's written by women? A lot of women, in fact. I'm forced to wonder, "Are they intentionally trying to be female versions of Judd Apatow?" Didn't Katherine Heigl, herself, criticize his movies as misogynistic? What the hell is going on?
But wait. I understand what they were trying to accomplish. I think. As we watch Abby become, well, un-Abby, we see Mike grow to love her even as he tries to shape her into the kind of woman The Perfect Man would want. Soon Mike realizes he loves her "control freakishness," her short hair, her awkward celebratory jig, and her know-it-allism. (Or does he?) And Abby warms to Mike's gruffness, his dedication to raising his nephew, his deeply hidden intelligence and the broken heart he hides beneath his objectification of women. (Or does she?) And slowly, they realize that though they can't stand each other they love each other. Hmmm. No that's not it. I don't understand after all.
When Abby asks Mike why he loves her, he says he has no idea. That I believe. Why, instead of loving her despite the things he sees as flaws, can't he come to see what an impressive, intelligent person she is? Eventually Abby sees that pretending to be a different person order to land her perfect man is ridiculous. Still, she doesn't learn to appreciate her "flaws" (intelligence, dedication, unwillingness to be pushed around in a "man's game") as good traits that would be admirable if they belonged to a man in her position. And why doesn't Abby come to realize that The Perfect Man is the one who realizes how great she is the way she is? (I know. I'm a sappy romantic who will never date.)
And what about Mike? On the outside-asshole, on the inside-deeply wounded. Waaaay on the inside. He still remains a so moderately misogynistic tv host. Shouldn't he realize that trying to change who a person really is can only lead to a failed relationship? Shouldn't he discover that the whole basis for his show is a lie? Apparently not. He doesn't really learn anything, and Abby doesn't really learn anything. This, I humbly submit, is where this movie fails. And that is the ugly truth.
EAT. (Or not.)
Hot dogs. I will never eat hot dogs in front of a man again. Or whole pickles. Or bananas. You get the drift.
SHOP.
Um. I haven't been to the Hustler store in a while. A loooong while. Vibrating underwear? Haven't seen that at my local Victoria's Secret. Hey! I'm game. BRING 'EM ON. Sure. Why not? Katherine Heigl's character loses the remote to these lacy babies at a business dinner and is forced to present a business plan while her remote (and other parts of her) are being handled by a kid at the next table. Not creepy or degrading at all, Ms. Heigl. Let's all reflect on Meg Ryan's "orgasm" scene at a restaurant in When Harry Met Sally. I'm sure if we think real hard we can ascertain the fundamental difference in what Meg Ryan's character was doing versus Ms. Heigl's scene. If you must trip the remote fantastic, get down and dirty at http://www.bootyparlor.com/turn-me-on-vibrating-panties.html?cid=0P3O1O&jkId=8a8ae4cc1da2ae17011e2d105e86554e&jt=1&jadid=1995413584&js=1&jk=vibrating%20underwear&jsid=10996&jmt=1&&gclid=CP-l9P3ihpwCFR0SagodEw7g_Q. I bet you can find better ways to spend your money. Then again, if you've paid to this movie, maybe you can't.
SEE?
"Men cannot grow, change or progress," Mike, host of The Ugly Truth. Apparently, neither can Hollywood.
I'm going to borrow a line from another movie I just saw to describe this movie-"This is not a love story." A love story is about how two people grow together and accept each other's more negative qualities because of their love. Each person becomes a better person for knowing the other person. Or some bulls**t like that. This is not what happens in The Ugly Truth. I didn't realize that going in. I did the same old thing I always do. I went to see a romantic comedy in order to gain some insight into to how to get a date. (No, I don't know why I keep doing this. I must be clinically insane.) Alas, no insight was to be gained here.
Here we have the same old standard premise. Abby (Katherine Heigl), a successful, smart, attractive woman, described as a "control freak" (a quality without which she would not excel at her job) finds herself alone with her cat, her knitting and her list of qualities which her perfect mate must have. (How new and inventive!) When her station manager decides to employ Mike (Gerard Butler), a misleadingly cocky and seemingly misogynistic cable television show host, Abby finds herself a bit flummoxed. The situation rapidly deteriorates when Abby meets her neighbor, The Perfect Man, and, in a shocking twist of fate, makes a deal with Mike: Help me land this man, and I will forever shut my mouth about your demeaning relationship advice for women. And, thusly, the plot plods on.
We, the stupefied audience, get to watch Abby sex up and dumb down to get her man aided by the somewhat disturbing advice of Mike. I mean the unsuitably sexy wardrobe, the hot dog eating scene, the vibrating underwear, the fake hair, the unwillingness to express an opinion or criticize. Let's all stop for a minute and ponder the sick male mind that thought this movie up. What's that? It's written by women? A lot of women, in fact. I'm forced to wonder, "Are they intentionally trying to be female versions of Judd Apatow?" Didn't Katherine Heigl, herself, criticize his movies as misogynistic? What the hell is going on?
But wait. I understand what they were trying to accomplish. I think. As we watch Abby become, well, un-Abby, we see Mike grow to love her even as he tries to shape her into the kind of woman The Perfect Man would want. Soon Mike realizes he loves her "control freakishness," her short hair, her awkward celebratory jig, and her know-it-allism. (Or does he?) And Abby warms to Mike's gruffness, his dedication to raising his nephew, his deeply hidden intelligence and the broken heart he hides beneath his objectification of women. (Or does she?) And slowly, they realize that though they can't stand each other they love each other. Hmmm. No that's not it. I don't understand after all.
When Abby asks Mike why he loves her, he says he has no idea. That I believe. Why, instead of loving her despite the things he sees as flaws, can't he come to see what an impressive, intelligent person she is? Eventually Abby sees that pretending to be a different person order to land her perfect man is ridiculous. Still, she doesn't learn to appreciate her "flaws" (intelligence, dedication, unwillingness to be pushed around in a "man's game") as good traits that would be admirable if they belonged to a man in her position. And why doesn't Abby come to realize that The Perfect Man is the one who realizes how great she is the way she is? (I know. I'm a sappy romantic who will never date.)
And what about Mike? On the outside-asshole, on the inside-deeply wounded. Waaaay on the inside. He still remains a so moderately misogynistic tv host. Shouldn't he realize that trying to change who a person really is can only lead to a failed relationship? Shouldn't he discover that the whole basis for his show is a lie? Apparently not. He doesn't really learn anything, and Abby doesn't really learn anything. This, I humbly submit, is where this movie fails. And that is the ugly truth.
EAT. (Or not.)
Hot dogs. I will never eat hot dogs in front of a man again. Or whole pickles. Or bananas. You get the drift.
SHOP.
Um. I haven't been to the Hustler store in a while. A loooong while. Vibrating underwear? Haven't seen that at my local Victoria's Secret. Hey! I'm game. BRING 'EM ON. Sure. Why not? Katherine Heigl's character loses the remote to these lacy babies at a business dinner and is forced to present a business plan while her remote (and other parts of her) are being handled by a kid at the next table. Not creepy or degrading at all, Ms. Heigl. Let's all reflect on Meg Ryan's "orgasm" scene at a restaurant in When Harry Met Sally. I'm sure if we think real hard we can ascertain the fundamental difference in what Meg Ryan's character was doing versus Ms. Heigl's scene. If you must trip the remote fantastic, get down and dirty at http://www.bootyparlor.com/turn-me-on-vibrating-panties.html?cid=0P3O1O&jkId=8a8ae4cc1da2ae17011e2d105e86554e&jt=1&jadid=1995413584&js=1&jk=vibrating%20underwear&jsid=10996&jmt=1&&gclid=CP-l9P3ihpwCFR0SagodEw7g_Q. I bet you can find better ways to spend your money. Then again, if you've paid to this movie, maybe you can't.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Anglophile Alert-The British are Back!
In the Loop-Tom Hollander, James Gandolfini, Peter Capaldi
SEE.
Lieutenant General George Miller (James Gandolfini), "War is a place that once you been to it you never want to go back unless you absolutely have to. It's like France."
Hollywood, are you watching? The British have produced a very droll film about the precursory politics leading up to the Iraq war. Why couldn't we do that? (I mean, it really is our war, after all.) Well, we couldn't do it because we take war seriously, too seriously to have the balls to make a movie like this (Michael Moore excluded.) Presenting the now infamous bad intelligence debacle as a disturbing combination of ineptitude, insanity, enlarged ego, miscommunication and misdirection on the parts of both the British and American governments takes gumption. It's potentially destabilizing to government (and far less hilarious) when the citizens realize that some version of this movie actually occurred producing the U.N. resolution which came to serve as a justification for war. Scary.
But, hey, screw the politics, is this movie worth your $45.00? What?! Let me tick 'em off for you, people! Parking, movie ticket, gourmet caramel popcorn, latte or beer or wine, bottled Italian water, fancy chocolate bar, and appetizer. (SO WHAT IF I WAS HUNGRY!) All I'm saying is you will not be seeing this film at your suburban megascreenapolis. Look for the artsy movie theater in a neighborhood nowhere near you. You know the one. You're always amazed it's still in business because everything it shows is subtitled and depressing. (Good news! No subtitles here! Not exactly depressing either.)
Anyway, let's talk about originality, good writing and good actors doing good work. There. We're done. I've talked about it. Sure. It took four, nay, five writers to come up with this screenplay, but who cares? If that's what it takes then fine. Maybe Hollywood should start grouping writers into platoons. Whatever it takes to end the cycle of remakes. No more remakes of movies. No more remakes of television shows. Let's just try and squeeze out one semi-original cinematic thought. I believe you want to write a good movie. I understand the odds are stacked against it ever getting made. Everyone from the studio head to the lead actor's pool guy has a producing credit and has added his or her two cents. It muddies the waters, and we produce yet another Fast and Furious 'cause all the previous movies were so open-ended. Frankly, not all of us are capable of coming up with an idea so original and and a script so perfect that nobody wants to mess with it. What's a writer to do?
COLLABORATE. Preferably with somebody smarter than you. Reach out and ask for help from as many people as it takes to help you write a good script. Oh, and get the help you need to write a good script before you pitch it. Don't wait for the studio to have standby writers 1 through 100 rewrite it for you. Let's take a page from the Brits here. They're not embarrassed to have a million names on the writing credits. You wanna know why? 'Cause it's a good script. 'Nuf said.
I'd tell you who the British players are, but you'll forget. Chances are you won't see half of them again anyway (unless you like period dramas or Harry Potter.) I'd tell you the American players as well, but, frankly, with the exception of James Gandolfini, you won't know their names either (even though we really should know Mimi Kennedy.) You trust me on this. Just know that a more natural comedic acting style and more aptly captured characters have been a long time coming. Revel in them.
EAT.
God bless the Brits. Characters actually take time to eat in their movies. Have to love how the British characters ask for coffee, but the Americans assume they want to drink tea. It's like assuming I want to eat McDonalds burgers instead of..um..well, that was a bad example. Anyway, in support of the British example, let's learn what British people eat at- http://www.woodlands-junior.kent.sch.uk/customs/questions/food/. After all, their brain food seems to yield a much better film product. Can't hurt. Might help.
SHOP.
For those of us with short memories, perhaps we should brush up on how we got into this mess in the first place. It wasn't just one elected official who brought us here. A whole bunch of people were complicit. Luckily for us the Brits have decided to launch a timely inquiry. We love those. I'm sure they'll let us see everything. I hope it's as good as the movie. Declassify your briefs at http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/Politics/Iraq-War-Inquiry-Hearings-Will-Be-Shown-On-TV-And-Online-To-Allow-Access-To-As-Many-As-Possible/Article/200907415349385?lpos=Politics_First_Poilitics_Article_Teaser_Regi_3&lid=ARTICLE_15349385_Iraq_War_Inquiry_Hearings_Will_Be_Shown_On_TV_And_Online_To_Allow_Access_To_As_Many_As_Possible
Don't like to watch? Read a little blurb instead- http://www.nybooks.com/articles/18034.
SEE.
Lieutenant General George Miller (James Gandolfini), "War is a place that once you been to it you never want to go back unless you absolutely have to. It's like France."
Hollywood, are you watching? The British have produced a very droll film about the precursory politics leading up to the Iraq war. Why couldn't we do that? (I mean, it really is our war, after all.) Well, we couldn't do it because we take war seriously, too seriously to have the balls to make a movie like this (Michael Moore excluded.) Presenting the now infamous bad intelligence debacle as a disturbing combination of ineptitude, insanity, enlarged ego, miscommunication and misdirection on the parts of both the British and American governments takes gumption. It's potentially destabilizing to government (and far less hilarious) when the citizens realize that some version of this movie actually occurred producing the U.N. resolution which came to serve as a justification for war. Scary.
But, hey, screw the politics, is this movie worth your $45.00? What?! Let me tick 'em off for you, people! Parking, movie ticket, gourmet caramel popcorn, latte or beer or wine, bottled Italian water, fancy chocolate bar, and appetizer. (SO WHAT IF I WAS HUNGRY!) All I'm saying is you will not be seeing this film at your suburban megascreenapolis. Look for the artsy movie theater in a neighborhood nowhere near you. You know the one. You're always amazed it's still in business because everything it shows is subtitled and depressing. (Good news! No subtitles here! Not exactly depressing either.)
Anyway, let's talk about originality, good writing and good actors doing good work. There. We're done. I've talked about it. Sure. It took four, nay, five writers to come up with this screenplay, but who cares? If that's what it takes then fine. Maybe Hollywood should start grouping writers into platoons. Whatever it takes to end the cycle of remakes. No more remakes of movies. No more remakes of television shows. Let's just try and squeeze out one semi-original cinematic thought. I believe you want to write a good movie. I understand the odds are stacked against it ever getting made. Everyone from the studio head to the lead actor's pool guy has a producing credit and has added his or her two cents. It muddies the waters, and we produce yet another Fast and Furious 'cause all the previous movies were so open-ended. Frankly, not all of us are capable of coming up with an idea so original and and a script so perfect that nobody wants to mess with it. What's a writer to do?
COLLABORATE. Preferably with somebody smarter than you. Reach out and ask for help from as many people as it takes to help you write a good script. Oh, and get the help you need to write a good script before you pitch it. Don't wait for the studio to have standby writers 1 through 100 rewrite it for you. Let's take a page from the Brits here. They're not embarrassed to have a million names on the writing credits. You wanna know why? 'Cause it's a good script. 'Nuf said.
I'd tell you who the British players are, but you'll forget. Chances are you won't see half of them again anyway (unless you like period dramas or Harry Potter.) I'd tell you the American players as well, but, frankly, with the exception of James Gandolfini, you won't know their names either (even though we really should know Mimi Kennedy.) You trust me on this. Just know that a more natural comedic acting style and more aptly captured characters have been a long time coming. Revel in them.
EAT.
God bless the Brits. Characters actually take time to eat in their movies. Have to love how the British characters ask for coffee, but the Americans assume they want to drink tea. It's like assuming I want to eat McDonalds burgers instead of..um..well, that was a bad example. Anyway, in support of the British example, let's learn what British people eat at- http://www.woodlands-junior.kent.sch.uk/customs/questions/food/. After all, their brain food seems to yield a much better film product. Can't hurt. Might help.
SHOP.
For those of us with short memories, perhaps we should brush up on how we got into this mess in the first place. It wasn't just one elected official who brought us here. A whole bunch of people were complicit. Luckily for us the Brits have decided to launch a timely inquiry. We love those. I'm sure they'll let us see everything. I hope it's as good as the movie. Declassify your briefs at http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/Politics/Iraq-War-Inquiry-Hearings-Will-Be-Shown-On-TV-And-Online-To-Allow-Access-To-As-Many-As-Possible/Article/200907415349385?lpos=Politics_First_Poilitics_Article_Teaser_Regi_3&lid=ARTICLE_15349385_Iraq_War_Inquiry_Hearings_Will_Be_Shown_On_TV_And_Online_To_Allow_Access_To_As_Many_As_Possible
Don't like to watch? Read a little blurb instead- http://www.nybooks.com/articles/18034.
Monday, July 27, 2009
When is Graduation Again?
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince-Daniel Radcliffe, Alan Rickman
SEE.
I'm a bad person. The entire time I was watching this movie I was thinking, "Hmmm. Legal age. Hmmm. Daniel Radcliffe. Didn't he do a play where he had to be naked? So far away from Hogwarts." Bad, bad, bad. "Perhaps," I suddenly realized, "I should not be going to movies made for children, but what am I to do? It's either that or a summer of dick flicks." (Yeah . You heard me.) Anyhoo. I go to Harry Potter for the magic. I go for the...for the...Alan Rickman. Who am I kidding? I'm almost 40. I'm not interested in the dating angst of British teenagers even if they are wizards-in-training.
The one thing that sustained the previous films (for those of us too shallow to follow the books) was action. Mystery, suspense and action. Without the relationships the action has no resonance. (Strong relationships and convincing characters make any movie.) But the Half-Blood Prince lacks enough forward motion for a movie of it's length to make me think I was actually moving backward in time. (Which was nice for a while when thought I could get back to the first film and maybe stay awake.) Somebody, somewhere thought that I wanted to see 2 hours of teenage girls falling gaga over Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) or Hermione (Emma Watson) pining over Ron (Rupert Grint) then Spackle in some wand waving and evil doing (in some of the most undramatic scenes ever filmed in the series) to jolt the overage viewers out of their comas. Well, I realize now, they weren't thinking about me. Fine. Don't my dollars count? (No one needs to know that I saw this movie for free. Oops.)
Why do I keep going, you ask? It's a free country after all. Look. I went to the first Harry Potter in order to participate in the phenomenon. Then, I noticed Severus Snape (Alan Rickman.) As my friend observed, Rickman can steal a scene without saying a word. That voice. Catnip to women my age. (Not that women my age use catnip for anything.) What do I care about Harry Potter? The chosen one?! Pshaw! I'm going to the dark side with Professor Snape. Apparently, it's where the grownups play. So, yes, although I have officially lost interest in where these students at Hogwarts are going (and they'd better get there fast or they'll need to open a graduate school), but I'll persevere until the end. I might root for the wrong side, but, hey, at least I'll have bought a ticket for the show! (No really I'll buy a ticket for the next one.)
EAT.
Love Potions. Okay, really? Why are the girls the only ones who employ love potions in these stories? There's not a guy somewhere in the world who wants some chick to fall in love with him? Can you even get love potions? Of course you can. This is the Internet age! Be careful what you wish for-http://www.links2love.com/love_potion.htm. For the grownups, there is a better option. It's tried-and-true. Booze. Try mixing these cocktails up-http://www.starchefs.com/love_potions/volumne_01/html/index.shtml. After all, booze makes everybody more attractive. Well, not everybody.
SHOP.
There was a woman in her late 50s exiting the screening before mine. She had a wizard hat on. A) I would have been pissed if I was sitting behind her. B) What the F**k! It's not Halloween! You are not 8 years old! Forgive me. I don't dress as movie characters to see the movie. Can you imagine dressing up as Elizabeth Bennett for Pride and Prejudice. People would stare. Not in Hollywood but in other, normal cities. If you are over 21 and you must dress as your favorite Harry Potter character in order to fully enjoy the cinematic experience, firstly, please seek medical attention. Secondly, you can pick up character appropriate costumes and paraphernalia at http://www.wbshop.com/Costumes-for-Adults/hpcosta,default,sc.html?AID=8123472&PID=2234704 or http://www.buyharrypottercostumes.com/adult-harry-potter-costumes.html or http://www.anniescostumes.com/hpotterad.htm. Hmmm. This might be a bigger problem than I thought.
SEE.
I'm a bad person. The entire time I was watching this movie I was thinking, "Hmmm. Legal age. Hmmm. Daniel Radcliffe. Didn't he do a play where he had to be naked? So far away from Hogwarts." Bad, bad, bad. "Perhaps," I suddenly realized, "I should not be going to movies made for children, but what am I to do? It's either that or a summer of dick flicks." (Yeah . You heard me.) Anyhoo. I go to Harry Potter for the magic. I go for the...for the...Alan Rickman. Who am I kidding? I'm almost 40. I'm not interested in the dating angst of British teenagers even if they are wizards-in-training.
The one thing that sustained the previous films (for those of us too shallow to follow the books) was action. Mystery, suspense and action. Without the relationships the action has no resonance. (Strong relationships and convincing characters make any movie.) But the Half-Blood Prince lacks enough forward motion for a movie of it's length to make me think I was actually moving backward in time. (Which was nice for a while when thought I could get back to the first film and maybe stay awake.) Somebody, somewhere thought that I wanted to see 2 hours of teenage girls falling gaga over Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) or Hermione (Emma Watson) pining over Ron (Rupert Grint) then Spackle in some wand waving and evil doing (in some of the most undramatic scenes ever filmed in the series) to jolt the overage viewers out of their comas. Well, I realize now, they weren't thinking about me. Fine. Don't my dollars count? (No one needs to know that I saw this movie for free. Oops.)
Why do I keep going, you ask? It's a free country after all. Look. I went to the first Harry Potter in order to participate in the phenomenon. Then, I noticed Severus Snape (Alan Rickman.) As my friend observed, Rickman can steal a scene without saying a word. That voice. Catnip to women my age. (Not that women my age use catnip for anything.) What do I care about Harry Potter? The chosen one?! Pshaw! I'm going to the dark side with Professor Snape. Apparently, it's where the grownups play. So, yes, although I have officially lost interest in where these students at Hogwarts are going (and they'd better get there fast or they'll need to open a graduate school), but I'll persevere until the end. I might root for the wrong side, but, hey, at least I'll have bought a ticket for the show! (No really I'll buy a ticket for the next one.)
EAT.
Love Potions. Okay, really? Why are the girls the only ones who employ love potions in these stories? There's not a guy somewhere in the world who wants some chick to fall in love with him? Can you even get love potions? Of course you can. This is the Internet age! Be careful what you wish for-http://www.links2love.com/love_potion.htm. For the grownups, there is a better option. It's tried-and-true. Booze. Try mixing these cocktails up-http://www.starchefs.com/love_potions/volumne_01/html/index.shtml. After all, booze makes everybody more attractive. Well, not everybody.
SHOP.
There was a woman in her late 50s exiting the screening before mine. She had a wizard hat on. A) I would have been pissed if I was sitting behind her. B) What the F**k! It's not Halloween! You are not 8 years old! Forgive me. I don't dress as movie characters to see the movie. Can you imagine dressing up as Elizabeth Bennett for Pride and Prejudice. People would stare. Not in Hollywood but in other, normal cities. If you are over 21 and you must dress as your favorite Harry Potter character in order to fully enjoy the cinematic experience, firstly, please seek medical attention. Secondly, you can pick up character appropriate costumes and paraphernalia at http://www.wbshop.com/Costumes-for-Adults/hpcosta,default,sc.html?AID=8123472&PID=2234704 or http://www.buyharrypottercostumes.com/adult-harry-potter-costumes.html or http://www.anniescostumes.com/hpotterad.htm. Hmmm. This might be a bigger problem than I thought.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Nobody's Hero
Public Enemies- Johnny Depp, Christian Bale, Marion Cotillard
Director-Michael Mann
SEE.
I'm not going to tell you not to see this movie. You've probably already seen it. It's not a bad flick. It's just not the movie it was meant to be. Like Mann's Ali, this movie lacks the special quality that will leave people talking about it for years to come. Once again, a famous director lets a surefire success run adrift. And, yet again, I'm left to ponder what is it exactly that a director does. Is he/she a visual stylist? A lucky bastard surrounded by more talented people who are simply too shy to take credit? A raving lunatic with a penchant for pissing off actors and abusing crew? No. I don't think so. The director is, allegedly, the person responsible for taking a story on paper and telling it on film or video or whatever the hell it is people use now. (I can't keep up.)
The point is-I don't care how pretty your shots are, you must be able to tell a coherent story. I don't care if you tell it out of sequence but you'd better make damn sure I can follow. I don't care if you leave out two-thirds of a true character's life story, but you'd better make damn sure that I care about that character some kind of way. Somebody please explain to me how this is the same guy who brought me The Last of the Mohicans, The Insider and even Collateral. Look, I like watching Johnny Depp as much as the next guy, girl or person with a pulse, but when you're playing somebody who actually lived the life your portraying, you really gotta have a backstory. Otherwise, this is just another gangster flick with a tragic, inevitable conclusion.
Despite painstaking attention to detail, the subject of how John Dillinger came to be John Dillinger is left untold. Someone decided it didn't matter. Let's tell 'em a love story and give 'em some shootouts. That'll sell tickets. I don't disagree. It was the beginning of the FBI. It was the beginning of the war on crime. It was an era unlike any we've ever known. Got it. But, if at the end of the movie, all I'm thinking is, "Yep. Another dead criminal," instead of "Damn. I was so rooting for this guy even though I know he bites it in the end,"well, there's a failure to communicate. And who's the communicator? Yep. Mr. Mann. Paging the director please?! Id anybody home. If Bonnie and Clyde (a couple of two-bit hoodlums in reality) can be made into freakin' folk heroes, then, surely, we can do the same with John Dillinger (who was at least applauded by some of his more law abiding contemporaries.) Let's make it count for something.
John Dillinger came up the hard way (how does this make him different from any other hardcase?); he "fell" into a life of crime (because if nothing else,he was a good criminal), and his success (as such) shaped the FBI and, ultimately it's tactics, because they just couldn't catch the guy. As an audience member, I must wonder, in this era of people losing their jobs left and right, could any one of us could become a John Dillinger. To a few people of that day and age, John Dillinger was not the public enemy, he was just John Q. Public. Forget the black and white view of a criminal. Dillinger represented something that could happen to anyone of us, and has happened to many folks who can't now and couldn't back then just take what they needed. He embodied the human determination to do whatever it takes to survive. Moreover, he represented all those Depression-era folks and their deep mistrust of a system that let a country fall so far from grace. Ringing a bell, anybody? Such great parallels to explore. Too bad, Mr. Mann didn't find that film on paper.
EAT.
Cast Iron cooking. I don't know. Seeing those robbers gathered around a stove on some desolate mid-Western farm just made me yearn for some pork cracklings. (I don't even know what those are.) Stop asking why and just go with it! I'm feeling old-fashioned. Hide out at http://www.whatscookingamerica.net/castironrecipes.
SHOP.
Apparently bank robbers in the 1930s had the time and inclination to wear tailored suits and even vests. Ah, back when criminals were gentlemen. If you feel the need for dapper derring-do (No idea. Just felt right.), visit www.ballyhoovintage.com/mens301.
Director-Michael Mann
SEE.
I'm not going to tell you not to see this movie. You've probably already seen it. It's not a bad flick. It's just not the movie it was meant to be. Like Mann's Ali, this movie lacks the special quality that will leave people talking about it for years to come. Once again, a famous director lets a surefire success run adrift. And, yet again, I'm left to ponder what is it exactly that a director does. Is he/she a visual stylist? A lucky bastard surrounded by more talented people who are simply too shy to take credit? A raving lunatic with a penchant for pissing off actors and abusing crew? No. I don't think so. The director is, allegedly, the person responsible for taking a story on paper and telling it on film or video or whatever the hell it is people use now. (I can't keep up.)
The point is-I don't care how pretty your shots are, you must be able to tell a coherent story. I don't care if you tell it out of sequence but you'd better make damn sure I can follow. I don't care if you leave out two-thirds of a true character's life story, but you'd better make damn sure that I care about that character some kind of way. Somebody please explain to me how this is the same guy who brought me The Last of the Mohicans, The Insider and even Collateral. Look, I like watching Johnny Depp as much as the next guy, girl or person with a pulse, but when you're playing somebody who actually lived the life your portraying, you really gotta have a backstory. Otherwise, this is just another gangster flick with a tragic, inevitable conclusion.
Despite painstaking attention to detail, the subject of how John Dillinger came to be John Dillinger is left untold. Someone decided it didn't matter. Let's tell 'em a love story and give 'em some shootouts. That'll sell tickets. I don't disagree. It was the beginning of the FBI. It was the beginning of the war on crime. It was an era unlike any we've ever known. Got it. But, if at the end of the movie, all I'm thinking is, "Yep. Another dead criminal," instead of "Damn. I was so rooting for this guy even though I know he bites it in the end,"well, there's a failure to communicate. And who's the communicator? Yep. Mr. Mann. Paging the director please?! Id anybody home. If Bonnie and Clyde (a couple of two-bit hoodlums in reality) can be made into freakin' folk heroes, then, surely, we can do the same with John Dillinger (who was at least applauded by some of his more law abiding contemporaries.) Let's make it count for something.
John Dillinger came up the hard way (how does this make him different from any other hardcase?); he "fell" into a life of crime (because if nothing else,he was a good criminal), and his success (as such) shaped the FBI and, ultimately it's tactics, because they just couldn't catch the guy. As an audience member, I must wonder, in this era of people losing their jobs left and right, could any one of us could become a John Dillinger. To a few people of that day and age, John Dillinger was not the public enemy, he was just John Q. Public. Forget the black and white view of a criminal. Dillinger represented something that could happen to anyone of us, and has happened to many folks who can't now and couldn't back then just take what they needed. He embodied the human determination to do whatever it takes to survive. Moreover, he represented all those Depression-era folks and their deep mistrust of a system that let a country fall so far from grace. Ringing a bell, anybody? Such great parallels to explore. Too bad, Mr. Mann didn't find that film on paper.
EAT.
Cast Iron cooking. I don't know. Seeing those robbers gathered around a stove on some desolate mid-Western farm just made me yearn for some pork cracklings. (I don't even know what those are.) Stop asking why and just go with it! I'm feeling old-fashioned. Hide out at http://www.whatscookingamerica.net/castironrecipes.
SHOP.
Apparently bank robbers in the 1930s had the time and inclination to wear tailored suits and even vests. Ah, back when criminals were gentlemen. If you feel the need for dapper derring-do (No idea. Just felt right.), visit www.ballyhoovintage.com/mens301.
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