GODZILLA. Meh.

SEE?

   The original concept of Godzilla and his nuclear power absorbing flying foe, Mothra, was born out of the suffering, loss and unknown consequences of radiation poisoning after the bombings of Nagasaki and Hiroshima. The 2014 version of Godzilla portrays the nuclear testing of Bikini Atoll in the Marshall Islands as a last-ditch attempt to destroy the monster way back in 1954. The script wastes a perfectly good opportunity to use Godzilla lore to explore the tragic and ironic nuclear merry-go-round that Japan has been riding from World War II to the Fukushima meltdown. Instead, the audience is served a rather unusually accepting-of-the-situation group of characters. I guess after vampires, aliens, superheroes from outer space and the zombie apocalypse we humans take a sort of “whatevs” approach to gargantuan prehistoric reptiles and flying radioactive waste-consuming moths emerging from the Earth’s subterranean netherworld. I mean if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen a hundred, am I right? When explaining the military’s plan for dealing with the giant moth/lizard infestation, one put-upon grunt scoffs, “I guess we’re monster killers now,” as though killing monsters is up there on the army to-do list right after latrine building. Once the military secret is revealed to not be an “earthquake,” the public just takes it in stride. I imagine them thinking, “Ah well, better keep out of the way of that 300 foot lizard that’s demolishing the Embarcadero. Hope I set my Tivo to record my stories tonight.” There is not a shred of disbelief or humor in the cast. Despite ample opportunity for a sarcastic quip, David Strathairn, as Admiral William Stentz, delivers this straight-faced explanation of the acronym for the enormous flying creature awakened at a nuclear facility in Japan. “MUTO-massive, unidentified, terrestrial organism. It is, however, no longer terrestrial. It is airborne.” Kudos to you, David. If ever an Oscar were deserved....

 

EAT?

   I don’t recommend this, but apparently when times are tough, people eat moth larvae and/or caterpillars. Who knew? Anyway, turnabout is fair play. You eat our expensive nuclear weapons (Hey, I’m a tax-paying American, and I paid for that bomb), we eat you. Or something like that. If giant moths and an angry, oversized lizard are ruining your dinner plans by leveling Chinatown, you may have to resort to some nasty survival techniques. Survivalist Karen Hood provides some nutritional information as well as cooking tips to prevent puking when eating bugs of all sorts. So if you’re running for your life on a Godzilla-sized empty stomach just punch up this link on your Ipad for quick meal-on-the-go information-http://www.survival.com/library/articles/bugs/. They’re gluten-free.

 

SHOP.

To be fair to the director and the cast, the most unbelievable part of the movie’s plot was not huge terrestrial and airborne organisms devastating the West Coast. It was the fact that an army lieutenant and a county hospital nurse with a kid could afford to live in a two-bedroom apartment in San Francisco. I can suspend all kinds of disbelief, people, but c’mon! That scenario is not even remotely plausible- http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2115655/San-Francisco-unaffordable-city-country-renters.html. If you’re going to shop for housing in Northern California, try one of these recommendations- http://www.marketwatch.com/story/retire-here-not-there-california-2012-11-13?pagenumber=4. Or better yet, head to the mid-west-less chance of encountering prehistoric creatures who hold a grudge although I can’t guarantee you won’t have a zombie problem.