Anglophile Alert-The British are Back!

In the Loop-Tom Hollander, James Gandolfini, Peter Capaldi


SEE.


Lieutenant General George Miller (James Gandolfini), "War is a place that once you been to it you never want to go back unless you absolutely have to. It's like France."


Hollywood, are you watching? The British have produced a very droll film about the precursory politics leading up to the Iraq war. Why couldn't we do that? (I mean, it really is our war, after all.) Well, we couldn't do it because we take war seriously, too seriously to have the balls to make a movie like this (Michael Moore excluded.) Presenting the now infamous bad intelligence debacle as a disturbing combination of ineptitude, insanity, enlarged ego, miscommunication and misdirection on the parts of both the British and American governments takes gumption. It's potentially destabilizing to government (and far less hilarious) when the citizens realize that some version of this movie actually occurred producing the U.N. resolution which came to serve as a justification for war. Scary.




But, hey, screw the politics, is this movie worth your $45.00? What?! Let me tick 'em off for you, people! Parking, movie ticket, gourmet caramel popcorn, latte or beer or wine, bottled Italian water, fancy chocolate bar, and appetizer. (SO WHAT IF I WAS HUNGRY!) All I'm saying is you will not be seeing this film at your suburban megascreenapolis. Look for the artsy movie theater in a neighborhood nowhere near you. You know the one. You're always amazed it's still in business because everything it shows is subtitled and depressing. (Good news! No subtitles here! Not exactly depressing either.)



Anyway, let's talk about originality, good writing and good actors doing good work. There. We're done. I've talked about it. Sure. It took four, nay, five writers to come up with this screenplay, but who cares? If that's what it takes then fine. Maybe Hollywood should start grouping writers into platoons. Whatever it takes to end the cycle of remakes. No more remakes of movies. No more remakes of television shows. Let's just try and squeeze out one semi-original cinematic thought. I believe you want to write a good movie. I understand the odds are stacked against it ever getting made. Everyone from the studio head to the lead actor's pool guy has a producing credit and has added his or her two cents. It muddies the waters, and we produce yet another Fast and Furious 'cause all the previous movies were so open-ended. Frankly, not all of us are capable of coming up with an idea so original and and a script so perfect that nobody wants to mess with it. What's a writer to do?




COLLABORATE. Preferably with somebody smarter than you. Reach out and ask for help from as many people as it takes to help you write a good script. Oh, and get the help you need to write a good script before you pitch it. Don't wait for the studio to have standby writers 1 through 100 rewrite it for you. Let's take a page from the Brits here. They're not embarrassed to have a million names on the writing credits. You wanna know why? 'Cause it's a good script. 'Nuf said.



I'd tell you who the British players are, but you'll forget. Chances are you won't see half of them again anyway (unless you like period dramas or Harry Potter.) I'd tell you the American players as well, but, frankly, with the exception of James Gandolfini, you won't know their names either (even though we really should know Mimi Kennedy.) You trust me on this. Just know that a more natural comedic acting style and more aptly captured characters have been a long time coming. Revel in them.



EAT.



God bless the Brits. Characters actually take time to eat in their movies. Have to love how the British characters ask for coffee, but the Americans assume they want to drink tea. It's like assuming I want to eat McDonalds burgers instead of..um..well, that was a bad example. Anyway, in support of the British example, let's learn what British people eat at- http://www.woodlands-junior.kent.sch.uk/customs/questions/food/. After all, their brain food seems to yield a much better film product. Can't hurt. Might help.



SHOP.



For those of us with short memories, perhaps we should brush up on how we got into this mess in the first place. It wasn't just one elected official who brought us here. A whole bunch of people were complicit. Luckily for us the Brits have decided to launch a timely inquiry. We love those. I'm sure they'll let us see everything. I hope it's as good as the movie. Declassify your briefs at http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/Politics/Iraq-War-Inquiry-Hearings-Will-Be-Shown-On-TV-And-Online-To-Allow-Access-To-As-Many-As-Possible/Article/200907415349385?lpos=Politics_First_Poilitics_Article_Teaser_Regi_3&lid=ARTICLE_15349385_Iraq_War_Inquiry_Hearings_Will_Be_Shown_On_TV_And_Online_To_Allow_Access_To_As_Many_As_Possible
Don't like to watch? Read a little blurb instead- http://www.nybooks.com/articles/18034.

When is Graduation Again?

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince-Daniel Radcliffe, Alan Rickman








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I'm a bad person. The entire time I was watching this movie I was thinking, "Hmmm. Legal age. Hmmm. Daniel Radcliffe. Didn't he do a play where he had to be naked? So far away from Hogwarts." Bad, bad, bad. "Perhaps," I suddenly realized, "I should not be going to movies made for children, but what am I to do? It's either that or a summer of dick flicks." (Yeah . You heard me.) Anyhoo. I go to Harry Potter for the magic. I go for the...for the...Alan Rickman. Who am I kidding? I'm almost 40. I'm not interested in the dating angst of British teenagers even if they are wizards-in-training.




The one thing that sustained the previous films (for those of us too shallow to follow the books) was action. Mystery, suspense and action. Without the relationships the action has no resonance. (Strong relationships and convincing characters make any movie.) But the Half-Blood Prince lacks enough forward motion for a movie of it's length to make me think I was actually moving backward in time. (Which was nice for a while when thought I could get back to the first film and maybe stay awake.) Somebody, somewhere thought that I wanted to see 2 hours of teenage girls falling gaga over Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) or Hermione (Emma Watson) pining over Ron (Rupert Grint) then Spackle in some wand waving and evil doing (in some of the most undramatic scenes ever filmed in the series) to jolt the overage viewers out of their comas. Well, I realize now, they weren't thinking about me. Fine. Don't my dollars count? (No one needs to know that I saw this movie for free. Oops.)



Why do I keep going, you ask? It's a free country after all. Look. I went to the first Harry Potter in order to participate in the phenomenon. Then, I noticed Severus Snape (Alan Rickman.) As my friend observed, Rickman can steal a scene without saying a word. That voice. Catnip to women my age. (Not that women my age use catnip for anything.) What do I care about Harry Potter? The chosen one?! Pshaw! I'm going to the dark side with Professor Snape. Apparently, it's where the grownups play. So, yes, although I have officially lost interest in where these students at Hogwarts are going (and they'd better get there fast or they'll need to open a graduate school), but I'll persevere until the end. I might root for the wrong side, but, hey, at least I'll have bought a ticket for the show! (No really I'll buy a ticket for the next one.)



EAT.



Love Potions. Okay, really? Why are the girls the only ones who employ love potions in these stories? There's not a guy somewhere in the world who wants some chick to fall in love with him? Can you even get love potions? Of course you can. This is the Internet age! Be careful what you wish for-http://www.links2love.com/love_potion.htm. For the grownups, there is a better option. It's tried-and-true. Booze. Try mixing these cocktails up-http://www.starchefs.com/love_potions/volumne_01/html/index.shtml. After all, booze makes everybody more attractive. Well, not everybody.





SHOP.



There was a woman in her late 50s exiting the screening before mine. She had a wizard hat on. A) I would have been pissed if I was sitting behind her. B) What the F**k! It's not Halloween! You are not 8 years old! Forgive me. I don't dress as movie characters to see the movie. Can you imagine dressing up as Elizabeth Bennett for Pride and Prejudice. People would stare. Not in Hollywood but in other, normal cities. If you are over 21 and you must dress as your favorite Harry Potter character in order to fully enjoy the cinematic experience, firstly, please seek medical attention. Secondly, you can pick up character appropriate costumes and paraphernalia at http://www.wbshop.com/Costumes-for-Adults/hpcosta,default,sc.html?AID=8123472&PID=2234704 or http://www.buyharrypottercostumes.com/adult-harry-potter-costumes.html or http://www.anniescostumes.com/hpotterad.htm. Hmmm. This might be a bigger problem than I thought.

Nobody's Hero

Public Enemies- Johnny Depp, Christian Bale, Marion Cotillard


Director-Michael Mann








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I'm not going to tell you not to see this movie. You've probably already seen it. It's not a bad flick. It's just not the movie it was meant to be. Like Mann's Ali, this movie lacks the special quality that will leave people talking about it for years to come. Once again, a famous director lets a surefire success run adrift. And, yet again, I'm left to ponder what is it exactly that a director does. Is he/she a visual stylist? A lucky bastard surrounded by more talented people who are simply too shy to take credit? A raving lunatic with a penchant for pissing off actors and abusing crew? No. I don't think so. The director is, allegedly, the person responsible for taking a story on paper and telling it on film or video or whatever the hell it is people use now. (I can't keep up.)




The point is-I don't care how pretty your shots are, you must be able to tell a coherent story. I don't care if you tell it out of sequence but you'd better make damn sure I can follow. I don't care if you leave out two-thirds of a true character's life story, but you'd better make damn sure that I care about that character some kind of way. Somebody please explain to me how this is the same guy who brought me The Last of the Mohicans, The Insider and even Collateral. Look, I like watching Johnny Depp as much as the next guy, girl or person with a pulse, but when you're playing somebody who actually lived the life your portraying, you really gotta have a backstory. Otherwise, this is just another gangster flick with a tragic, inevitable conclusion.


Despite painstaking attention to detail, the subject of how John Dillinger came to be John Dillinger is left untold. Someone decided it didn't matter. Let's tell 'em a love story and give 'em some shootouts. That'll sell tickets. I don't disagree. It was the beginning of the FBI. It was the beginning of the war on crime. It was an era unlike any we've ever known. Got it. But, if at the end of the movie, all I'm thinking is, "Yep. Another dead criminal," instead of "Damn. I was so rooting for this guy even though I know he bites it in the end,"well, there's a failure to communicate. And who's the communicator? Yep. Mr. Mann. Paging the director please?! Id anybody home. If Bonnie and Clyde (a couple of two-bit hoodlums in reality) can be made into freakin' folk heroes, then, surely, we can do the same with John Dillinger (who was at least applauded by some of his more law abiding contemporaries.) Let's make it count for something.




John Dillinger came up the hard way (how does this make him different from any other hardcase?); he "fell" into a life of crime (because if nothing else,he was a good criminal), and his success (as such) shaped the FBI and, ultimately it's tactics, because they just couldn't catch the guy. As an audience member, I must wonder, in this era of people losing their jobs left and right, could any one of us could become a John Dillinger. To a few people of that day and age, John Dillinger was not the public enemy, he was just John Q. Public. Forget the black and white view of a criminal. Dillinger represented something that could happen to anyone of us, and has happened to many folks who can't now and couldn't back then just take what they needed. He embodied the human determination to do whatever it takes to survive. Moreover, he represented all those Depression-era folks and their deep mistrust of a system that let a country fall so far from grace. Ringing a bell, anybody? Such great parallels to explore. Too bad, Mr. Mann didn't find that film on paper.



EAT.



Cast Iron cooking. I don't know. Seeing those robbers gathered around a stove on some desolate mid-Western farm just made me yearn for some pork cracklings. (I don't even know what those are.) Stop asking why and just go with it! I'm feeling old-fashioned. Hide out at http://www.whatscookingamerica.net/castironrecipes.





SHOP.



Apparently bank robbers in the 1930s had the time and inclination to wear tailored suits and even vests. Ah, back when criminals were gentlemen. If you feel the need for dapper derring-do (No idea. Just felt right.), visit www.ballyhoovintage.com/mens301.

My Sister's Keeper-Cameron Diaz, Abigail Breslin

SEE.

You can't really criticize cancer movies. Especially cancer movies involving children with cancer. Especially when the movie is based on a best-selling novel. I can't say this movie wasn't exactly what I expected it to be. It was, in fact, totally what I expected except for the "I'm not really a serious movie even though I'm about cancer" vibe that was all over the screen from the opening credits to the shot of Alec Baldwin and his dog driving away. Somewhere between light-hearted summer fare and depressing Oscar season drama seems to be where this baby falls. The question is why? I mean sure I shed a tear or two, but it did feel a wee bit obligatory. (I know, I know. I'm a monster.)


Anna (Abigail Breslin) battles for the right to control her own body so she doesn't have to give pieces of it to her sick sister, Kate (Sofia Vassilieva.) This was actually the story I came to see. I had hoped for a conflict between family members as each one took a side in an impossible battle. (Afraid I didn't read the book again. I'm such a loser.) I mean I'm not the brightest bulb, but if my kid tells me she's suing me to keep her from having to help her sick sister, I'm pretty sure there would be some physical coercion. Since the other siblings including said sick sister seem to take the whole conflict pretty well, you, the audience member who has not already read the book may suspect that things are not really as they seem.


As cancer patients go, Miss Vassilieva (Please. Can we shorten this last name or take out some vowels?) is certainly a bright spot, yet her character is not given enough depth to make the audience truly care. (Or maybe it was just me, the monster.) There is very little interaction between the siblings on screen so it's hard to feel their loss at the inevitable end. How can we understand the impact of her absence if you don't get to see the effect of her presence? Just a thought. Go-see-sniffle. You know what you're in for.


EAT.

There is a scene meant to draw the audience into the budding romance between fellow cancer survivors, Kate and Taylor (Thomas Dekker.) This scene (or montage really) involves an inordinate amount of french fries. These actors must have starved themselves for days in order to consume the number of french fries necessary to complete the scene. Coulda been worse. It could have been the hard boiled eggs of Cool Hand Luke. In solidarity for their suffering-can anyone like french fries that much?-fry up a batch or visit your favorite burger joint. My new favorite is 8 Oz. Burger Bar located at 7661 Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles.


SHOP.

Scarves?! That would be too easy. Scrapbooks. That's the ticket. With an almost savant-like talent, our sick girl constructs an unbelievably detailed and artistic scrapbook (Thank you, Art Department.) which poignantly details the trials and triumphs that her family has experienced throughout her illness. Yours does not have to be quite as depressing. You could chronicle your life in booze or something equally fascinating. To learn about the fine art of scrapbooking turn to
www.scrapbookscrapbook.com/beginners.html. No, I have no idea why you would need directions to make a scrapbook, but there you are.

Just add a soundtrack.

The Hangover-Bradley Cooper, Justin Bartha





SEE?





I was told that this movie was nonstop laughs from beginning to end. LIES. Okay. Maybe it's not a complete lie, but I did NOT laugh from beginning to end. In fact, most of the people around me did not laugh from beginning to end. I attribute this disappointment to two problems. First, I saw this movie too late in the game. Almost 3 weeks after it's release. You see the tickets sold; you hear people talk; and your perspective gets skewed. You'll either expect too much or too little. (I, for example, expected too much. WAY TOO MUCH.) Second, what in the name of giving away all the good stuff in the trailer is going on with movie advertising these days. Every funny moment in the movie (tiger in the bathroom), any possible point of surprise (Mike Tyson) was revealed in the trailer. I know I should have figured this out going in, but I held out hope. that there was going to be something truly spectacular to trump all of the things in the trailer. (There was not.)





May I just point out at this time that I know it's Mike Tyson. You know it's Mike Tyson. If the character in the movie has to also say, "Hey, it's Mike Tyson!" then clearly the writer and/or the director know that the audience for this movie isn't old enough to get it. So, why bother?





Look, we have a good premise here. Four guys go to Vegas for a bachelor party. Problem is they get so wrecked that they lose the groom. As they try to piece together their whereabouts, bizarre encounters reveal more clues about what may or not have happened to their buddy. It's really not a bad idea. It's just poorly executed. Wasted talent. Oh, and boys, I know you get really excited about having hot chicks and strippers in your movie 'cause you wrote them in and all, but you can't fool me. No, I did not buy the whole "Phil falls back in love with his wife and kid after his horrible experience in Vegas rah rah family" angle. You wanna know why? I never saw him realize how important his family was to him. There was no moment in which he understands that he might not appreciate what he has. So, no, the whole deep kiss of his wife and remembering his kid's soccer game at the end of the movie did not ring true. We, the audience, need to see the characters learn and grow as people. Believe it or not, if you can't provide the laughs, the least you can do is provide that. Comedy doesn't have to be devoid of meaning, boys!





Just because it's a stupid boys go to Vegas movie, doesn't mean it can't be good. In the interest of making better movies, can we PLEASE, PLEASE stop the sophomoric use of stereotypes whenever we use ethnic actors. "Black Doug"-what are you wearing on your head? Wedding chapel guy-seriously with the accent? What country are you supposed to be from anyway? And what purpose does the accent serve anyway? Pseudo-gay, Asian crime of fashion character- REALLY?, riffing of of a stereotype of Asians? Shame on you. Luckily, all the white guys were normally played. Well, almost. Hey, the bad Asian stereotypes all even out by calling the big white guy "fat" all the time. Good for you boys!


As we aim to make better comedies, can we please stop picking Bradley Cooper to be the asshole in every movie? He really was the most sympathetic character in Alias. Why is he doomed to be creepy dick now? Hollywood, help him please. I swear he is meant for better things. Heather Graham. What is going on with you? No offense but you are too old to be playing bit stripper breast-bearing roles in stupid frat boy movies. You've been in this game too long to suffer such an indignity unless it's gonna nab you an Oscar. No roles available to you? Write your own damn movie next time. You can't write a worse movie than this one. I hope.





EAT.





Um, you don't want to eat. You're too hungover. The very sight of food makes you want to hurl.





SHOP.





Jock straps. Lined with metal plates. Do they make those anywhere? 'Cause if you're gonna get tasered in the nuts, you're gonna need it. Okay. Maybe plastic plates instead of metal. Yeah, that would be better. You might have to make this from scratch. Go here for a prototype http://bodybuilderfitness.com/pro1078038.html. (Yeah, I looked it up. What are you looking at?) Fine. Ignore my advice. You must be a glutton for punishment.