I am the Rule.

He's Just Not That Into You-Jennifer Anniston, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Connelly, Ginnifer Goodwin, Justin Long, Drew Barrymore, Scarlett Johannsen, and Bradley Cooper














SEE.



For those of you who have already seen the movie or read the book, I am the rule. Romance does not work out for me. I assume that the guy is just not that into me, but still I desperately sift through the signs that he might be. "He covered his mouth when he coughed near me." "He asked if he could use my phone." "He came by my desk and ate all my candy." Yes, all of these have been clear cut signs that the guy who had no interest whatsoever in me was well on his way to falling head-over-heels and bringing me home to meet mommy and daddy. Pathetic? Perhaps. But totally relatable to most single women my age. Generally, we're just too embarrassed to talk about it after age 35. I don't consider myself a girly-girl, but clearly, I'm a romantic. I hold out hope even in the most hopeless of situations. It is the simple cinematic acknowledgement of this facet of some women's lives that made me like this movie. Again, I never read the book. There is something just a little too real and unsympathetic about reading those particular words in print.






However, seeing a variety of characters on the big screen who act out my greatest fears, humiliations and sorrows with humor and still hold out hope for love is comforting. It may be delusional, but as I have said before, that is what these Valentine's season movies are all about. After a bitter winter of estrangement, death, torture and war in search of an Oscar nomination, we emerge into spring filled with new possibilities for the future (until the summer's fare is released at least.) In the end, the love we've been rooting for always triumphs. Here is where my own love affair with the movie ends. Spoiler alert.








The skinny bitch always gets dumped. I had hope for Jennifer Connelly in this movie, a comedy for once. But noooo. Ms. Connelly still corners the market on the desperately sad and heart-breaking roles. You may find her movie husband here pretty smarmy. The audience certainly gets led by the nose waiting for her to discover his most foul sin-secretly smoking. Why, oh why, is the setup for Ben's (Bradley Cooper) adultery designed to make his indiscretion more palatable to the audience. We find out: 1) his wife gave him an ultimatum-"marry me or else" and 2) his wife is not the warmest of creatures (read-suspicious and a wee bit controlling.) These traits tend to drive men away. (They would certainly drive me away.) Why couldn't this storyline couldn't be a bit less pat? Why couldn't she be delightful and sweet? Whatever she is, she doesn't deserve to be cheated on. You'll still find Ben rather unforgivably smarmy at the end (Sorry, Mr. Cooper. I hope that is what you were going for here.) But, maybe some marriages are fine, and people sometimes just stray for no good reason. Maybe, instead of being the victim, Connelly's character Janine might have realized that she married out of college because everybody told her that's what you do. Maybe she might have realized, she's just not that into her smarmy husband.






Next up, my dear Gigi (Ginnifer Goodwin) who finds a possible long-term relationship in every man she meets. And I thought my standards were low. Still, how in the world does she manage to find anything attractive about Alex (Justin Long)? Cynical. Hard-hearted. A man who uses the cold, hard truth to reinforce his dim view of the world and all the people in it. This is the guy you want to fall in love with?! There's not even much of a struggle on her part. She may find him offensive at first but she sure doesn't act like it. I would have liked her character to be a little more discerning about the men she chooses and to learn to appreciate herself before throwing herself at this guy. That lesson would have been a good one for me...I mean, women like me. No offense to Justin Long, but she could do better.






Finally, we examine Beth (Jennifer Aniston) and Neil (Ben Affleck) in a case of what I'll call "George Clooney syndrome." If the man has said he doesn't believe in marriage, why wouldn't you believe him? Especially, if he's stuck around for seven years (hell, check your state laws, it's probably a common law marriage by then anyway.) Even if he doesn't stick around and winds up married to someone else, you can pretty much assume, he just didn't want to be married to you. What's so hard to understand about that? Why do we all want to change George Clooney? So what if George doesn't want to marry me? His loss. Am I over his age limit or something?! What was I talking about again? Oh, yeah. So, in the end, a ring gets handed over. We all see this coming. Should it be handed over? This storyline is punctuated by Beth seeing first-hand that her sister's husbands are mostly lazy, good-for-nothing slobs. Yea marriage! Who wants that? If you got a good guy, and he's not going anywhere, sort out how many kids and move on. Ladies, maybe we should not be so into the diamond. Is Valentine's Hell over yet?






EAT.





If you are truly intent on finding a soulmate, you have to feel good about yourself first. Can't attract a mate if you're depressed or feeling fat, right? In the U.K. apparently they have recognized this problem, because I found (I kid you not), www.soulmatelifestyle.com/food. They will tailor a diet for you and deliver it you. That is not all. Oh, no. As part of the overall philosophy of health leading to happiness, they provide advice to help you "love and be loved." Sadly, if you're stuck in the States, I'm afraid all you've got is Dr. Phil (http://www.drphil.com/) and Jenny Craig (http://www.jennycraig.com/). Best of luck to you.





SHOP.



For those of you lucky enough to need to get out of dates with people, the world wide web has a variety of sites where you can peruse some plausible and not so plausible "break the date" excuses. Worse than waiting for the guy to call you is having to come up with some reason to not go out with a guy again. Or so I'm told. For the not so plausible excuses try http://professionalsingles.com. You do have to register for this one. (What?! Mind your own damn....) Personal favorite: "My friend is going to be on 'Who Wants to Be A Millionaire,' and I'm her lifeline." For the more reasonable suggestions try http://www.ehow.com/ and search "break a date." My personal favorite here is: "My stomach is so messed up right now, and I have to keep running to the bathroom." Bodily functions, as a rule, are a turnoff. Of course, you could just be honest, but who wants to start doing that at this point in life.








P.S. Kudos to the product placement whores for best use of a product (Crest Whitestrips) in a movie this year.