Cinemon Girl has MOVED!!
15 years ago
Monday, August 25, 2008
I'll have the Corman classic with a side of abs.
See.
I paid to see Death Race. I'm not going to justify it. I'm not going to pretend that there was some higher purpose in seeing this remake of a Roger Corman cult classic. (I've never seen the original.) I just plain love Jason Statham. In The Bank Job, he proved that he is capable of more that an annoyed look and a good shirtless fistfight. But I came for the annoyed look and a good shirtless fistfight. I came to see unnecessary, disturbing violence, over-the-top explosions and ridiculously jarring car racing. When it was over, I was sated. I can't help that Joan Allen has been left with no choice in her career but to play a stereotypical, uptight well...do I have to say it? Next Steel Magnolias, she'll get her shot. Paul "W.hat S.**t" Anderson has no business trying to give Joan any depth or humanity anyway. I didn't come to see her abs after all.
Oh, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the king of Deadwood, Ian McShane. Good Lord. I love this man. What must he have thought? Good fun! I'm a Golden Globe-winning, Emmy-nominated actor. I should take a crack at banal, inane dialogue now that I've mastered the modern day Shakespearean wordsmithing of David Milch. "Give me a line like 'Now that's entertainment.' Let me work my magic on it." I know, I know. Those who can't write, gripe. Seriously, though, when is Deadwood the Movie coming out?
Shop.
Look. I've never been to an operational women's prison but I'm pretty sure they don't prance around in the cutoff waffle shirts and low-riding jeans that the chicks in this movie were sporting. I say go for authenticity. Visit http://procorroutfitters.com/. Get yourself a roomy orange jumpsuit and some "comfortable" shoes. They even have underwear. (Frankly, I'm not sure the female prisoners in this movie had any on.) Discounts if you buy in bulk!
Eat.
My gut says stick with the standard prison food reference here. Find a buffet restaurant chain and let 'em have at. Still that just doesn't seem to strike the right chord with this particular prison movie. Maybe it's the abundant use of oil stains on the cast's wardrobe but I feel that something more is merited here. Dictionary.com defines a "greasy spoon" as a "cheap and rather unsanitary restaurant." (I just thought of it a place to get a good burger but I'll go with the pros here.) Death Race, while probably not cheap, didn't seem particularly clean. I think what is required here is a real cholesterol boosting experience. Large men donning plaid shirts and leather jackets. A waitress named Flo. So, check out "Guy's hotspots" under Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives on http://foodnetwork.com/. Guy Fieri lists numerous "good eatin' " food spots that will fortify you for your race to the Death.
SEE?
Here’s the thing to consider when you get into the business of a movie franchise such as The Mummy III: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. Is the paycheck worth my dignity? This is the question that John Hannah (a decent actor known to American audiences most notably from Four Weddings and a Funeral) must have been pondering as he found himself acting opposite a yak. Not in the noble way which Tom Hanks found himself acting opposite a volleyball. Not for Mr. Hannah. Nothing but humiliation including, but not limited to: speaking romantically to the yak, holding a barf bag for the yak and, finally, being barfed on by said yak.
This is the sort of treatment that the supporting actor in a “too-long-since-the-last-one” threequel can expect to have foisted upon him. Good luck with that, Mr. Hannah. Aside from feeling terrible about John Hannah’s plight in this movie, I was also stunned by the appearance of Yeti (abominable snowmen) who, familiar with the American sport of football, know enough to raise their arms in the shape of goalposts after punting a bad guy over an ancient arch. I know enough not to ask why. Rather, I shake my head slowly from side to side and cover my eyes as though this will shield me from the fact that yet another sequel has diminished an otherwise enjoyable franchise. Please don’t start me on Indiana Jones. It’s not my place to say don’t see this movie but, here’s what to shop for and what to eat beforehand. You can be the judge.
EAT?
No. Not Chinese food. C’mon. Too easy. Yak cheese. You heard me. In solidarity with John Hannah’s plight, you, the viewing audience, should have some yak cheese and crackers or whatever you eat with yak cheese. The yak is an animal native to the Himalayan mountain region where some of the action in The Mummy III occurs. And, yes, they make cheese from yak’s milk there. In fact, they use just about every part of the yak but we won’t go there. Not even in the spirit of enduring as Mr. Hannah had to endure. So go buy yourself some yak cheese before this show. Don’t ask me where. I think you can find some online.
SHOP.
I know. It’s enough that you have to find the yak cheese. If you’re going to go that far though, you should invest in some airsickness bags. You’re gonna need ‘em at least a third of the way into this movie. Shop http://www.pilotthings.com/ for the cleverly named Sick Sack. They go for fifty cents a bag. Get a few.
Here’s the thing to consider when you get into the business of a movie franchise such as The Mummy III: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. Is the paycheck worth my dignity? This is the question that John Hannah (a decent actor known to American audiences most notably from Four Weddings and a Funeral) must have been pondering as he found himself acting opposite a yak. Not in the noble way which Tom Hanks found himself acting opposite a volleyball. Not for Mr. Hannah. Nothing but humiliation including, but not limited to: speaking romantically to the yak, holding a barf bag for the yak and, finally, being barfed on by said yak.
This is the sort of treatment that the supporting actor in a “too-long-since-the-last-one” threequel can expect to have foisted upon him. Good luck with that, Mr. Hannah. Aside from feeling terrible about John Hannah’s plight in this movie, I was also stunned by the appearance of Yeti (abominable snowmen) who, familiar with the American sport of football, know enough to raise their arms in the shape of goalposts after punting a bad guy over an ancient arch. I know enough not to ask why. Rather, I shake my head slowly from side to side and cover my eyes as though this will shield me from the fact that yet another sequel has diminished an otherwise enjoyable franchise. Please don’t start me on Indiana Jones. It’s not my place to say don’t see this movie but, here’s what to shop for and what to eat beforehand. You can be the judge.
EAT?
No. Not Chinese food. C’mon. Too easy. Yak cheese. You heard me. In solidarity with John Hannah’s plight, you, the viewing audience, should have some yak cheese and crackers or whatever you eat with yak cheese. The yak is an animal native to the Himalayan mountain region where some of the action in The Mummy III occurs. And, yes, they make cheese from yak’s milk there. In fact, they use just about every part of the yak but we won’t go there. Not even in the spirit of enduring as Mr. Hannah had to endure. So go buy yourself some yak cheese before this show. Don’t ask me where. I think you can find some online.
SHOP.
I know. It’s enough that you have to find the yak cheese. If you’re going to go that far though, you should invest in some airsickness bags. You’re gonna need ‘em at least a third of the way into this movie. Shop http://www.pilotthings.com/ for the cleverly named Sick Sack. They go for fifty cents a bag. Get a few.
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