Another Freakin' Toy Story

Transformers- Shia LeBeouf, Megan Fox

Director-Michael Bay



SPOILER ALERT!!!



SEE?



Why do sequels fail? Not financially, I mean spiritually. First, they fail because they use the success of the previous movie as a license to be less original and less diligent, and they treat the audience like the morons that we are for going to see the same movie twice and expecting (yes, I had expectations) something different, nay, better. STOP LAUGHING. Yes, I knew this was a Michael Bay movie, but I truly enjoyed the first Transformers. It was funny in that Michael Bay sort of way, and the women had balls. This movie, on the other hand, takes the charm of its predecessor for granted and bashes us over the head with gizmotology rather than character.





HOLD ON. Before you say, "It's based on Mattel toys. Whaddya expect?", may remind you that the success of the original Transformers was not just based on cool toys. The actors had actual characters to play (as much as you can have in a Bay movie) not just green screens to run from. It was entertaining, DAMMIT. With explosions and fight sequences and "transforming" going on all around me, I almost fell asleep in this one, and I had 8 hours of sleep. I ALMOST FELL ASLEEP!





I have t say this out loud. Michael Bay does not respect himself, and he does not respect his audience. There. I said it. Frankly, it was insulting enough to see amateur mistakes like a mismatched cut. Add injury to this insult because I'm pretty sure I saw the still photographer in the middle of a shot in the desert pulling out his long lens while soldiers around him pulled out guns. Oh, and hi, same desert scenario from the first movie?! Would it kill you to shoot in a jungle or something? Maybe I was hallucinating because I was in some sort of cinematic coma (2 1/2 hours long?! C'mon!)





Now, for the part you've all been waiting for. (You know you have.) The women. Ah, Michael, what a sad and lonely existence you must have if this is all you can dream up. First off, can you please have Megan Fox close her mouth? Speaking, not speaking, the woman always manages to have her big, beautiful lips parted just so as to make us (I mean you not me) want to kiss them. Every single shot. Really, Michael! In the first movie, she was funny and could handle herself and a wrench. Here, all we see her do is pout and run. Or run and pout. Secondly, if the Transformers/Decepticons actually created a machine covered in human flesh who resembles a blond sorority chick, don't you think, (although I know you'd rather focus on a closeup of her ass and her blue panties), we should see the military interested in this remarkable development? Nobody seems to care, and I find that strange. And, by the way, are you directing the next Terminator 'cause this chick seems suspiciously like she belongs in another movie? Odd that the only chick who kicks ass in this movie is a machine.


Finally, and this is a minor point. Why does the fraternity party look like a strip club or that club from Bad Boys? Or the club from every Michael Bay movie (maybe not Pearl Harbor)? What school is this exactly?


EAT.


What is it about a movie that makes it a "popcorn movie?" When I fled the theater after this movie (in a theater where popcorn is not allowed mind you), I actually heard someone say,"This movie would be better with popcorn." (How exactly this miracle would come to be I don't know.) Well, if that's the case, my friend, you'd better stock up 'cause you're gonna need an Optimus Prime truckload full o' kernels for this one.


SHOP.


Electric cattle prod. You heard me. I don't know why I was having such a hard time staying awake during this movie, but I really could have used something to jolt my out of my overstimulated mind grog. Okay, maybe the cattle prod is too much but really, this whole experience was too much, so bring on the voltage. Charge on up to http://www.qcsupply.com/qcsupply/browse/subcategory.jsp?categoryId=12381&addFacet=9004%3A12381&cm_mmc=Google-_-Livestock+Equipment+%26+Supplies_Livestock+Prods-_-Broad_search_559993155-_-cattle%20prod%7C-%7C100000000000000026181&cm_guid=1-_-100000000000000026181-_-559993155. I'm sure there will be a threequel so better to be prepared for the next all-action-packed-fight-laden-babe-ridden Bay flick that serves as a sleep aid. Bzzzz. Bzzzz.

Same Old Song and Dance.

The Proposal-Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds


SEE.

Okay, people, this is gonna have to be short and sweet. I still have to work for a living. I like Ryan Reynolds. I like Sandra Bullock. If I were going to make a romantic comedy, I would certainly want these two people in it. I just don't want them romancing each other. I'd like to see Sandra playing Ryan's big sister or something. I know. I'm ageist. Look, she is 12 years older than he is so I had my doubts. They are very, very cute, but Sandra Bullock is experiencing a bit of the Matthew McConaughey syndrome. Everybody knows it. The truth is "cute" wears off as we get older. Sure even when Sandra's playing a cold-hearted bitch, she's cute, but it's a little more forced. Ryan Reynolds, heaven help him, is in danger of much the same problem.


Here's what I propose-give these people some other part to play. Alcoholic wife. Pedophile. Some small, interesting role that will give them a shot at breaking out of the cute and funny rut. Frankly, if I had to do a cutesy romantic comedy every other year, I'd develop a drug habit just to make my life more interesting. Let's give 'em something more than girl meets boys encounters conflict fixes conflict lives happily ever after. Okay, that said, I was mildly amused. I was also sometimes perplexed. It was as thought the movie had two completely different directors depending on the scene. On the almost upside-nice fakeout with the ex-girlfriend storyline. I almost thought it was gonna be a different movie than I expected. But it wasn't.


Just a few asides. Please keep Craig T. Nelson out of the sun. (Just a thought.) Frankly, a waste of Mary Steenburgen, but what are you gonna do? Betty White is always a fantastic trip, but it's always the same trip. (Perhaps a peek into the future for Ms. Bullock and Mr. Reynolds. Stretch yourselves now or forever hold your peace.)


EAT.


Starbucks. Still the king of cinema coffee. Woes to the mom and pop coffee shops looking to be represented on film. If it ain't Starbucks, it ain't happening. Especially if you're shooting in New York. How Ryan Reynolds carries two piping hot cups of Starbucks lattes in one hand, on the run, I don't know. Just talented I guess.


SHOP.

Okay, so you're going away for a weekend in Alaska, what do you pack? Heels, of course. Not just heels-seven inch heels. What the hell! I mean, the character is a smart, successful book editor, she should know enough to buy a pair of Nikes at least! So for the unsavvy traveler, check out http://www.ehow.com/video_4438713_get-started-packing-vacation.html. Don't show up out of place. Heels?! Really?!

This machine just won't die.

Teminator:Salvation: Christian Bale, Sam Worthington


Director: McG





MAJOR SPOILER ALERT!








SEE.








Sometimes it is better to leave the future untold. That said, what is most amazing about James Cameron's story about mankind's fight against annihilation at the hands of machines is how many twists, turns and reincarnations it has. This story will simply not die. You can: focus on the machine sent to kill John's mother; focus on blowing up the plant that produces the chip that allows machines self-awareness; focus on whatever the third movie was about and don't even get me started on the TV series. Do what you will, nothing will ever touch the originality of the first movie. Still Terminator:Salvation gives us a glimpse of something we've never had before-a full-grown rugged hero played by Hollywood's (Sorry, England. He's ours now.) Everyman, Christian Bale.








John Connor, for geeky fans of the franchise, is kind of a mythical character. His full-grown celluloid representation is of some importance, and Christian Bale while certainly earnest never displays the humor, rakishness (real rakishness not that Bruce Wayne stiff stuff), swagger and cynicism (it is possibly the end of humankind, after all) that I would expect from a hero who has been in the cinematic atmosphere since 1984. Frankly, Arnold Schwarzenegger was more humorous as the original Terminator. What?! Why, humor, you ask? It connects us. It's something we can get behind. It's what so many of us turn to when faced with impossible situations. After all this is the fourth movie. At some point, you just can't take the end of the world so seriously. (People, can we please stop abandoning dialogue for special effects?) Look. I didn't hate him in this role. I just didn't necessarily care if John Connor lived another day (not especially good for the franchise if I do say so myself.)





On the upside, we have Sam Worthington as Marcus Wright, a death row inmate who wakes to a new world in which few humans remain. Unbeknownst to Marcus, he, too, is a machine, but one who possesses a human heart. Weird but it works. This Tin Man conveys more emotion in one camera shot than Mr. Bale is allowed to manifest in the entire movie. I won't lie to you. I forgot it even was a Christian Bale movie. It's weird to feel compassion for the Terminator over the main hero. Again. At some point, I should actually want John Connor to survive. That point ain't here yet.








EAT.








I don't know. What do machines with human hearts eat?








SHOP. UM. NEVER MIND.





Instead of shopping, I wanted to take this opportunity to present some awards to the fourth film in this enduring and versatile franchise. (Hell, there should be a lifetime achievement award for the story alone.) Here we go:





Best and Truest Line Ever Uttered On Film: "We've got to get out of L.A."





Scariest Mechanical Villain Frozen in Time: Still Schwarzenegger. Yes. He's in this movie. Yes. He's completely naked. Yes. That is very scary.





Best Round and Round Screaming into Handmikes: Michael Ironside and Christian Bale (Lord knows, he's had the practice. Okay, that was a cheap shot.)





Most Used Film Prop in the History of Film: The photo of Linda Hamilton from the original movie. Thank goodness for digital retouch. Is is me or doesn't it get burned in the first Terminator? Thank goodness for time travel.





Okay, I don't really have any awards to offer. I just wanted to prove I can say something positive once in awhile. Sort of.