Joe Gets Drafted.

SEE.


   Yesterday I watched Draft Day and Joe in a double bill that was akin to seeing Death of a Salesman followed by a monster truck rally. Don't get me wrong. I love a good monster truck rally, but if I'm comparing Draft Day to an Arthur Miller classic then the cinematic train has come off the rails. I did not want to see the unnatural Kevin Costner/Jennifer Garner/Football combo on a big screen, but I thought mayhap I would be surprised and I was. I will refrain from ripping Ivan Reitman for casting Jennifer Garner as a love interest for Kevin Costner for two reasons-I could have cared less about their relationship and Rosanna Arquette (wasted in a useless role, but present) appears as his age appropriate ex-wife so there. Women get older. Men just get replacements. I digress. Reitman manages to turn the NFL draft (don't fall asleep football haters) into a chess match with general managers and owners moving the players (and sometimes each other) across the board in a a game of strategy and desperation with ultimate goal of capturing a Superbowl ring.  I honestly don't think it mattered who played Sonny Weaver, Jr., but Kevin Costner brings a bit of grace to an otherwise banal role. The romantic subplot makes the script longer, but, at the end of the day, it seems like a forced diversity program to put women in something other than cheerleader outfits.  The film does make you root for football and a few football players and, given the NFL controversies of late, that deserves it's own award. You may not understand the football lingo, but if you're a human being, you will understand having a dream that rides on someone else's decisions. If you are not a human being, then there is...

   Joe. I wanted to see this movie. Who wouldn't? A man with anger issues befriends a boy with abuse issues and chaos ensues. Nicholas Cage reining himself in and not going all The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call on us. Nick can act, but for those who know that Nick has been spending the last several years in Louisiana, we have to wonder, is he acting? Are any of these people? Sometimes the film comes off as a mishmash of bizarre southern character studies and even more bizarre behavior (if I never see someone butcher good venison with poor technique again, it will be too soon.) It is as though the film crew arrived at some random house or bar with Nick and a camera and said, "There's probably a whole lotta crazy in there. Let's roll camera and fix it in post." (I'm from Texas. I can speak these truths.) Casting leftovers from True Detective aside, Cage delivers a gripping performance (last accomplished when Clinton was in the White House.) Gary Poulter (a homeless man hired for the film who passed away shortly after filming still homeless) and Tye Sheridan are also very good, but not stretching too far outside a world they already know. The director gives the audience enough respect to let us decide if Joe befriends this boy because he has travelled that same road and suffered for it, but in the end too many questions about Joe and his past are left unanswered to truly feel like this was a story worth telling.

EAT.

  So you're having a hard day trying keep your team's salary cap down while wearing 6 inch stilettos and navigating your old enough-to-be-your-dad-but-is-actually-your-boyfriend's emotional minefield, what are ya gonna reach for? Why, potato chips and waffles of course! What sane woman in her mid-to-late thirties wouldn't sit down at a fully stocked cafeteria and have that combo for her lunch? And we all know that you can eat like that and still look like Jennifer Garner so go for it! What you're on a no carb diet? Fine, Nick Cage has the answer for you-butterflied deer steak carved by a man who apparently worked at N9Ne before trading in his knife skills for an ax in the woods. In case, you don't possess Joe's knife skills (or indifference to blood), take a look at this helpful website http://mdc.mo.gov/discover-nature/how/cooking/venison-recipes-0/butchering-and-freezing-venison'. Once you pull your delicately butterflied steaks out of the freezer for cooking http://www.americanhunter.org/articles/best-way-to-cook-venison-steaks will help you cook your steak like a man-a drunk man with anger management issues. They can only help you so much after all.

SHOP.

  What do Nicholas Cage's character, Joe, and Kevin Costner's character, Sonny, have in common? My guess-daddy issues. And what does anybody with daddy issues need? A heart of gold hooker who will listen to all your problems and calm you down with a good bl...no, no, no-a therapist. Just pay for the therapy, boys! Don't work out your issues playing with millions of dollars and the lives of your players or by using your dog as a surrogate to act out your violent desires. Get thee to a psychiatrist! Luckily, the web makes shopping for a therapist a snap. (I'm assuming there is internet where Joe lives, but maybe not.) It's as simple as plugging in your city, state, and issue. Get real help folks. Don't leave it to hookers and your gut instinct to get ya through. http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php