Bad Education

An Education-Peter Saarsgard, Carey Mulligan





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Creepy old man movie. Yeah, maybe reading the memoir would help me acquire a deeper, more nuanced understanding of the relationship between a thirty-something year old man and a 16 cum 17 year old girl. But, I don't think so. Can somebody please enlighten me about Great Britain's statutory rape law. Does that even exist over there? Pretty sure you get arrested for having sex with a 17 year old here in the States. Pretty sure. Hell, we're actually pretty relentless about that sort of s**t. Just ask Roman Polanski. Anyhoo...








Girl strives to achieve entrance to Oxford affording herself a life of mediocre but well-educated subsistence. Along comes an interesting but dangerous older man who introduces her to a wilder side of life involving music and art and clubs and, you know, not studying for Oxford. Said older man unfortunately does not reveal until much later, after our young urchin has given up her scholarly pursuits and accepted his proposal, that he is already married with a child. Oops. Unfortunately for her, she's already walked away from a proper English secondary school, and they do not like loose girls, particularly snooty, loose girls. So, having learned her hard lesson about the wanton ways of older men, young thing must worm her way back into the heart of the very dedicated teacher she blew off to obtain a very married life. Sigh.





You know, we've all heard this story before. No?! Oh, maybe it's just me. Anyway, Gossip Girl makes this look like a Sunday school story. Perhaps that is why critics are lovin' it. Underage sex told with taste. Class it up with a British accent and bring on the Oscar nominations.





EAT.



This kid gets the saddest little birthday cake in the world. No wonder she wanted to get out of the house. To all mothers and fathers of the world-learn how to bake a decent cake in the name of all that's holy. Might keep your little darling from running away with an older man if you put a little effort into the special days. Ace your cake at http://www.coolest-birthday-cakes.com/.

SHOP.

Let's go with chains to keep your little precious at home and prevent her from accidentally falling in with a bigamist wannabe. You already know where to go, don't you?

Surrogates-Bruce Willis, Radha Mitchell, Rosamund Pike, James Cromwell



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So, society has finally capitulated to the ultimate for of antisocial behavior relying on robotic recreations of themselves in order to function in the real world. Okay. Let's play. First of all, if you can have a surrogate who looks like Rosamund Pike wouldn't you choose a Brad Pitt husband not a Bruce Willis surrogate. No offense, Bruce, but real humans are either gonna choose hot young surrogates or no one at all. Also, for someone who hasn't been out in he real world for years, Tom (Bruce Willis) seems to have stayed remarkably fit (didn't see a home gym in the apartment). He sure managed to get his defensive driving skills back in a hurry. I drive for hours everyday, and I couldn't tackle the road like that.




Also, can those of us who do not have makeup and hair teams to buff us up have a brief moment of rage about how long it probably took to make Radha Mitchell and Rosamund Pike look bad. Sorry. That pisses me off. And finally a note about the difference between models and actors. There is a difference. Nothing demonstrates that more than trying to employ pretty-faced cherubs to portray a character which is actually played by actor James Cromwell. Not like animation, you know, you actually have to rely on the acting skills of these folks. Yeah, people, for those of you who believe that most actors succeed on their looks, let me assure you that talent succeeds, beauty fails. Models take heart, if you have the acting charm in you, time will tell. Surrogates will not.




EAT.




Well, if everybody's gotta eat in all the time better make the most of it. You're gonna need some variety. Hit the road or not at http://www.takeouttaxi.com/.








SHOP.





Hey. Life too hard? Can't handle the pressure? Just want to lock yourself inside and replace yourself with a robot? Best of luck. 'Fraid they don't look like supermodels in our world yet. Plus, you can't afford a robot. Trust me. And nobody who sees C-3PO sitting at your desk is gonna buy that it's you. Fine. Give it your best shot- http://www.androidworld.com/prod02.htm.

I take it all back.

The Invention of Lying-Ricky Gervais, Jennifer Garner











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Remember when I said that lying is bad. Well, I did, dammit! I was wrong. Lying is what makes the world go round. We human beings are really at our nastiest when we don't lie. Screw George Washington and the cherry tree. If I told you that you were a big, fat pig with an ugly nose and bad breath every day of your life, how would that help you? Okay, well, you might drop some pounds and eat a mint, but that's not the point. Lies help ease the pain. Easing the pain makes people feel good. When people feel good, they do good. They don't go around trying to make other people feel bad so that they can feel better. Right?! Well, maybe not, but it sure it painful watching people get told the truth constantly. Don't ever believe somebody who says they want you to tell them the truth. THEY ARE LYING. Rest assured that shortly after you reveal the truth to this liar, you will lose your job or your lover or your friend. Count on it. Lying is the glue that holds humanity together. A little known fact that Ricky Gervais has stumbled onto in this clever little movie.











Now that I've sworn only to lie, I can tell you a few non-truths. This movie has more than one punchline. This movie runs along at record pace. Jennifer Garner's bizarre robot-in-a-corset walk does not bug. Rob Lowe looks good with his hair slicked down. This is not just a version of Ricky Gervais' standup on the big screen. Those non-truths aside, I enjoyed the movie. Mostly because it confirmed for me what I've always known. Telling the truth is a selfish and self-serving act. Maybe I feel better telling the truth, maybe not, but I know for sure that nobody can call me out for lying. Lying is the worst of all evils in polite society (except for maybe incest.) Nobody ever gets called before the Senate subcommittee for all the truths they are accused of telling. And yet lying might help someone get through and otherwise awful day. "Yes, that dress looks good on you." "No, you didn't sound stupid." Yes, he loves you." Lies help us function in a cruel, cruel world. So, even if this is the greatest movie ever made, you should still see it, just so you can embrace your inner liar.











EAT.







I don't care what you eat just go to a restaurant with paper napkins and plastic menus. Eat the food and tell the chef it was the best food you've ever tasted. Would it kill ya?











SHOP.







Mansions. That's right, when we die, we all get mansions in the sky. Why wait for the afterlife? What better time that during the housing slump to search for that dream mansion? No, it's not hell, it's Detroit. Help rebuild the Motor City. Buy a prize at http://thesmarterwallet.com/2009/bargain-homes-detroit-mansions/. You'll love it there. Would I lie to you?

The Informant-Matt Damon


Director-Steven Soderbergh


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And you wonder how we got in a global financial crisis with so many superintelligent people at the helms of the banks and financial industries. Apparently, there are two types of people in the world-really clever liars and the poor saps who believe them. Dear Lord, why are pathological liars so smart and normal law-abiding citizens so dumb? If I start lying uncontrollably will I improve my intelligence and my ability to steal money? I'm gonna give it a shot and see what happens. Stay tuned. I'm getting ahead of myself. This film tells the story of Mark Whitacre, a real-life executive at Archer Daniels Midland in the 90s, who blows the whistle on the company's worldwide price-fixing scheme (the world's third oldest profession apparently) whilst trying to cover up his own embezzlement schemes. The freakin' FBI didn't catch on to him even when they caught him in lie. They still trusted him, and they don't even trust each other. Mind-boggling that the planet has survived this long with this sort of idiocy afoot. Pathological lying can apparently be a symptom of bipolar disorder (Yes. Mr. Whitacre suffered from it.) Jeez, think how many people on Wall Street could potentially be suffering from bipolar disorder. Sometimes, I think life just gets so dull that it must be constantly embellished upon to engender the sympathy or attention which we desperately crave. (Nooooo. Why would I be talking about myself???? Silly!)




How do you know if you're a pathological liar? Number 1) You tell people you were orphaned and then adopted by a man of means even as you continue to funnel stolen money into your still living parents' bank account. 2) You delude yourself into thinking that despite embezzling from and then turning your company into the FBI, the board may still hire you as CFO. 3) You tell your wife she looks nice. It was the '90s! Only a fraction better than the '80s, and believe me, nobody looked nice. Get help! Here's the thing people. The Informant! serves as a critical reminder. First, that neck ties in the '90s were awful. Second, that what's happening to us now in the financial ruins of Wall Street has been happening for decades. Ponzi schemes, price-fixing, unbridled greed. History just keeps coming back on us. It's wake up time. people!




EAT.


"Four white guys meeting in the middle of the day isn't a business lunch, it's a crime scene."

-James Epstein (Tony Hale), attorney for Mark Whitacre.

Maybe, we should skip lunch.


SHOP.


Um. Lying is bad. We shouldn't lie ;). We should all be good people. NEEEEVER LIE. Definitely do not go to this website to learn how to be a better liar. (Unless you really want to.) ;)http://www.soyouwanna.com/site/syws/lie/lie.html.

Not in America

The Boys Are Back-Clive Owen





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Child safety laws? Anyone? Not in Australia apparently. Nope. Just strap that kid to the hood of a jeep and go. (Wait! Was that kid even strapped to the jeep?) It's the beach! Sand and water. If he falls off, how bad can it be? Yeah, I'm pretty sure there's no good way to present that scene to wussy American audiences. Our children wear leashes in public. Seatbelts in grocery carts. We are a safety conscious country. However, in Australia (home to ten of the world's most poisonous snakes as one character notes), safety is in the eye of the beholder. Who wouldn't let their child jump repeatedly into a shallow tub? It's got water in it for Pete's sake! Anyhoo. Here's where the feminists got it right. If something happens to one or the other of a child's parents, the other one should be prepared to fill in. You should be trained in the bare minimum of your spouse's "duties." You should not suddenly find yourself in need of another wife or husband because you don't know how to clean your house, dress your kids or start a lawnmower. But, I digress.





Based on the true story of a sportswriter who suddenly finds himself struggling to stay afloat and raise his two sons after the death of his second wife, The Boys are Back is alternately frustrating, enlightening and disturbing. Frustrating because Joe Warr (Clive Owen), travels the world covering major sporting events, but apparently, in his lifetime, has never washed a dish. Enlightening because the rules of sane parenting can apparently be amended somewhat to allow for a bit more enjoyment of life without, in fact, killing every child on the planet. Who knew you could let you child drop repeatedly from about 25 feet up in the air without incident? Disturbing because just because your child survives one daredevil escapade after another doesn't necessarily mean fate won't catch up. Everything in moderation, people.







EAT.







Ketchup and spaghetti. This is why you should teach your kids (and some parents as well apparently) to cook so they don't think that that ketchup and spaghetti constitutes an actual meal. Oh, wait. Here's a actual recipe for "ketchup spaghetti. Nevermind. Squeeze the bottle at http://www.convergingcuisine.com/?p=28. Better stock up on the Heinz after all.











SHOP.











Not capable of seeing a movie with your children and then talking with the little rug rats afterward to reinforce your own notion of right and wrong? Boy, do I have a website for you! I'd heard about these parental guides but never bothered to check one out before. Of course, after seeing this rather fast and loose interpretation of parenting, one might find a movie guidance website like this rather comforting. That is until you get to the part where the writer discusses a scene with the two brothers in a tub together. Creepy. Abdicate your responsibility at http://kids-in-mind.com/b/boysareback.htm.

The Burning Plain-Charlize Theron, Kim Basinger



MAJOR SPOILER ALERT!!!





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Ah, the uplifting story of a married woman who cheats on her husband combines with the uplifting story of a woman punishing herself for a life chock full of regrets. Yea! Now stir in a whole bunch of tragedy in between. Whoa, people! It ain't winter yet! Why do we have rush the depressing s**t. Here's why-women of a certain age just don't get these juicy roles written for them. Why a good role for women over 30 must equal heartbreaking and bleak, I don't know. Here's the problem. Good roles don't necessarily mean sympathetic roles. For all the acting their hearts out that Kim Basinger and Charlize Theron do, their trials and tribulations such as they are, aren't tear-inducing. The fact that Kim Basinger's Gina couldn't engender sympathy from me despite her cancer survivor story suggests writing that misses the core of what connects us as human beings. Also, Sylvia"s (Charlize Theron) reconnection to her past life is more disconcerting than encouraging. Um. When you find out the whole story behind Sylvia's past, you'll see what I mean. Psycho killers do not make good mothers. Just remember that mantra.


EAT.

Winter picnic, anyone? What better way to atone for cheating on your hardworking husband and father of your three children than by making them eat outside in the winter. ????? Not even gonna try to explain that one for you.


SHOP.

How about a motel room? Just a thought. Lots safer for affairs than your cousin's beat up trailer with the exposed propane tanks. Just saying- http://www.cheapostay.com/?fpaffiliate=Google&fpsub=GO1-CheapMotelSite-V2&gclid=CIOLtfif7Z0CFSn6agodcQg-LA

Sometimes Love Don't Happen.

Love Happens-Jennifer Aniston, Aaron Eckhart



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Look. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. People gotta work. They aren't always gonna make the best movies. (What?! I'm sure I've said that before.) Romantic comedies are a dime a dozen. We all know where we're going. We just want to enjoy the ride. This shouldn't be that hard. I'm not asking you for Shakespeare in Love or anything. Why is this so difficult? First problem-you have a semi-interesting idea with mediocre execution. I'm no genius so if I can figure out the "big secret" before the end of the movie then, well, can't anybody? Second problem-casting for the box office instead of the role. Hey. I like Jennifer Aniston. I like Aaron Eckhart. I do not like them together in this movie. Chemistry is a tricky thing. I think Eloise (Jennifer Aniston) had it right the first meeting when she blew Burke (Aaron Eckhart) off. There is simply no spark. It's not their fault. You don't screen test Jennifer Aniston and Aaron Eckhart. You simply thank your lucky stars that they agreed to do the movie. Pero, no fuego, no bueno.


Unfortunately for these two characters even their animosity is forced. It's as though the underlying premise of the movie, a man who uses his own experience with grief to help others move on through their own grief, drags the whole love story down. Here's a tip. Don't wallow in pain and regret if you're making a romantic comedy, and if you're making a drama-COMMIT. Don't dress it up like Barbie if it's, in fact, Bride of Chucky. I wanted to laugh a little, cry a little. I couldn't manage either. For Pete's sake, you even have the kooky sidekicks positions filled in this movie! That should automatically mean laugh out loud funny. I can say this in all honesty-I felt nothing. No joy, no sadness. I couldn't even muster the energy to leave the theater.


So, moviemakers, let's review. Cast people who have actual chemistry not commercial viability. Pick your genre and market it properly. Don't mislead the public with cutesy trailers and pop soundtracks. And, in the name of all that's holy, realize that sometimes love don't happen. It's okay. Let your characters walk away. Hopefully into better movies.


EAT.


Date food. No, you can't do that. I mean to say, what is good date food? Going out on a date in a strange city? Remember, at least some of us are hoping for a kiss or more at the end of the date so the Garlic Garden is probably not the best choice. Follow these tips, and I'm sure you'll have a better first date than Eloise and Burke-http://www.topdatingtips.com/dinner-dates.htm.


SHOP.


Everybody needs help once in a while, self-help, that is. Times are tough. Everybody is looking for direction and many are looking for a job. What better self-starting business than the self-help industry. We can all offer help to others. Need help improving your sarcasm? I can help! What a beautiful money-making enterprise. Learn how economic downturns breed self-help gurus at http://www.recessionwire.com/2009/03/17/redux-the-self-help-industry/. Then, what the hell, jump on board! Motivate over to http://selfhelpbusiness.com/ Do your part to boost the economy. Sell self-help. The market never shrinks. Maybe you'll even get a cardboard cutout of yourself.