Dismembering Leo.

Body of Lies- Leonardo Dicaprio, Russell Crowe






SEE?



When was the last time Leonardo DiCaprio did a lighthearted comedy? Anybody? How about the last time he made a film that didn't involve some body part being pulled, sawed, smashed, chopped or shot off? Yeah. That's what I thought. Look. I get it. When you're good at something, you stick with it. Nobody wants to see a dramatic actor struggle through badly timed jokes just so he/she can "stretch." However, it has got to be depressing to spend the better part of your year immersed in characters who either wind up dead or disfigured through some horrible, gut-wrenching (literally) act of violence. Well, your choice, Leo. At least now I know that if your name is in the titles, I'll watch the movie with my eyes closed. That's probably only worth a matinee ticket though.



While "Body of Lies" is an interesting look at American foreign policy, the really nasty parts of war that get fought by government agencies and all of that serious heavy stuff that makes the world go round, it didn't resonate with me. I attribute this problem to all of the weight that Russell Crowe gained to deliver his performance as a sleazy CIA puppet master, Ed Hoffman. Hoffman is a large, jolly looking man who resembles Santa Claus minus his penchant for abandoning his CIA assets to violent deaths. (Santa would not do that.) Hmmm. Santa is jovial and well-fed. Ed Hoffman is creepy and well-fed. Nope. Not similar at all. In general, I think people who eat well are happier; therefore, I do not understand why Ed Hoffman has no joy. He should be happily spreading democracy through the many legal and ethical means that the CIA employs. Instead, he launches secret missions within missions; burns his friends and basically is up to no good. That is classic Grinch behavior which makes sense because the Grinch is underfed and, everyone (in Hollywood at least) knows that hungry people get mean. Perhaps, I oversimplify. In any case, when well-fed white men do bad things, it's just beyond me. I get my Santas and Grinches all confused and start looking at my watch. You understand.




EAT?




If you can still eat after the last 15 minutes of this movie, you should either seek psychiatric help or join the CIA. In either case, what the hell, try something Middle Eastern. If food is, in fact, the way to a man's heart, well, maybe it's the way to everyone's heart. Instead of cultural exchange, we should be sharing food as a means of achieving world peace. (Who wants to see a bunch of nine year-olds singing anyway? They're probably lip-syncing beauty queens.) Of course, all of this could just be wishful thinking. I did skip breakfast before I saw this movie which made me a little hostile while viewing it. Still, in my humble opinion, (are you listening policymakers?) hungry people don't want to negotiate. Hunger doesn't put me in a compromising kind of mood anyway. Even if our enemies were willing to look past political or religious differences and give peace a chance, they would still probably want to blow us up if they've gone a few days without chow. Wouldn't you? (Again, Russell, why so angry? Clearly, well-fed for this role.)




Anyway, explore http://www.angelfire.com/ for a variety of Middle Eastern recipes. From Turkey to Afghanistan to Morocco to Egypt, this site delivers links to various websites touting fabulous food finds. Many of the links I tried led to closed websites which caused me some concern. However, upon viewing the inviting title "Muslim family! Yum Yummy Recipes!", I was reassured that all was legit on this site. Good luck to you.





SHOP.




Fake beards. Let me rephrase. Fake beards that don't look fake. After my somewhat traumatic "Appaloosa" experience, I have been on the lookout for bizarre onscreen facial hair. Okay. Maybe Leo's facial hair was real. Grown out after numerous creative meetings, phone calls with agents and camera tests. It just looked weird. Like Shogun or something. And really, if a white man is undercover in the Middle East don't you think the "enemy" would be able to spot him (even with the beard and head wrap)? Speaking of odd looking hair-Mark Strong, God bless him. Fake wigs that don't look fake. People, please! We can't at least get that right? It's a Ridley Scott film for cryin' out loud.

I really couldn't come up with much to help my cause here. Almost everything online looked as though if it landed on your lap you should pet it. Still, you could try www.wigs.com. They have a "Raquel Welch" wig so at least there's something interesting if not real looking. Also (this one's for you, makeup department), you might go to www.expertvillage.com and search under "how to apply fake facial hair." I'm just sayin'.

"Naive" Son.

"W."-Josh Brolin




SEE?

Alright. WHAT THE HELL?! I'm a lifelong Democrat (and a Texan.) I should not leave a movie about George "W." Bush or George "H.W." Bush or George "W.T.F." Bush feeling anything but a validation of the rage I've been carrying around since we failed to catch Osama Bin Laden and entered Iraq looking for imaginary WMDs. Instead, Oliver, I see your film, and I actually felt sorry for this guy. I'm not supposed to be thinking, "Hey, Poppy! Take it easy on 'W.' Clearly, he's an underachiever with a run of good luck that would make leprecans envious. And, by the by, whose fault is that, Poppy?" Oh, Oliver. What happened to my cynical, liberal, heart-on-the-sleeve, card-carrying crazy man? Okay. Maybe he's still cynical. It's not a very flattering portrait of the man. There are many, many jabs at the Bushes and at Republican politics. It's just that the movie doesn't take itself seriously except when dealing with the relationship between "W." and his father. The actors playing various cabinet members (with the welcome exception of Richard Dreyfus and Jeffrey Wright) essentially employ a strategem of facial positioning that, at least in my screening, elicited nothing but laughter. Let's face it. It's hard to play those "characters" straight no matter who you are. Still. It's a presidential adminstration. There should be some gravitas. Oh, wait, I forgot who I was misspeaking about.

I recall that after making "The Queen" Stephen Frears quipped he should receive an award for having the chutzpah to make a film about a living monarch. I'm betting Ollie doesn't have such fears. (I'm also betting that Ollie doesn't like being called Ollie.) You can't fear someone you don't respect. Anyway, Oliver probably figured that enough vitriol against 'W.' exists in America to make backlash against Mr. Stone almost impossible. Although, it is Oliver Stone, he probably welcomes backlash. After all, no backlash, no Oliver Stone. Anyway, most of the movie is such a parody of a "W.'s" life and presidency that it's hardly worth the effort of calling it liberal propaganda. This joke may be on the American people. Poke fun at Bush if you dare. Just remember that nobody (not even his family) believed he had a chance in hell of becoming anything worthy of the "Bush" name, and this guy gets elected President of the United States of America. Twice. That's one more time than his Poppy, people. What does that say about the state of the American presidency? And who did we misunderestimate exactly?

EAT.





White bread sandwiches. Of all the food served in this movie, it was the white bread sandwich that "W." has served to him in the White House with Cheetos that caught my eye. I mean...,really? You can take the boy outta Texas but you can't put him back in Connecticutt. I guess somebody, somewhere has to eat the white bread. Why not the president? So, in honor of our nation's highest office and the C minus students who get to occupy it visit www.familyoven.com.recipes/search.sandwiches.





SHOP.





No. Not cowboy hats and boots. Puh-leeeze! Too obvious. Accent elimination. According to the Sam Chwat Speech center, standard American English is "an accent of American English which does not distract the listener or reveal and regionalisms." No idea what language "W." is speaking then. While I don't believe Bush is a complete idiot as some liberals do, I do believe (and I'm a native Texan) that some accents convey a certain "simpleness." Go ahead. Call me names. Then go ask the international community what they thought when our cowboy president first opened his mouth . I'm betting they thought collectively, "Where the hell did he get that accent? His Poppy doesn't talk like that." Before you run for President, try to adopt a neutral, you-don't-know-what-part-of-the country-I-hail from way of speaking. I'm sure that even Bill Clinton toned down the Arkansas lilt when he started addressing groups larger than a backyard barbecue. For accent elimination classes visit http://www.samchwatspeechcenter.com/. Although, it is based out of New York. The center does offer video classes. (There are, by the way, an awful lot of accent elimination classes offered in the New York area according to my Google search. Hmmmm.)

Transformers Lite.

Eagle Eye-Shia LaBeouf, Michelle Monaghan




SEE.


"Eagle Eye" is, hands down, the best Michael Bay flick I've ever seen. I'm sorry. What did you say? D.J. Caruso? Oh, forgive me. I could have sworn this was a Michael Bay movie. I was really confused. Hmmm. True. The music wasn't quite right and there weren't nearly enough shots of American flags. Okay. Well, the acting was definitely less forced. Hmmm. D.J. Caruso. The director who brought us "Salton Sea," right? That was promising. In the name of all that is holy, will someone please get this man a decent script. Look. There is a standard formula to Hollywood military action flicks. The military does something bad with help of a nervous high level government official. A deep dark government secret is unveiled and must be stopped in order to save the ______. (Plug in whatever works. In this case, the president of the United States and everyone in the cabinet except the secretary of defense.) Some innocent and/or ne'er-do-well with some obscure connection to said plot must be dragged in kicking and screaming to save the ______. Billy Bob Thorton's character (Please. You know that guy is always Billy Bob Thorton.) is the only one who sees through the confusion so that the innocent and/or ne'er-do-well can be free to do whatever it is they must do to save the ______. I'm not against this formula. I'm just saying watch "The Salton Sea." D.J. Caruso is a fine director. Certainly better than an action script involving a supercomputer that decides to eliminate the current administration because of a poor military decision.


And, by the way, it's really hard for me to get behind inanimate objects as "the bad guy." HAL aside, I need a little flesh and bone to hate. Even "Terminator" realized that a human face allows the audience to identify the bad guy. I mean who wouldn't want to destroy a steroid-laden incomprehensible Austrian bodybuilder who recites lines like, "Hasta la vista, baby."? Wouldn't have worked so well if all we saw was that skeletal metal creature or big gold orbs such as those that comprise ARIA, the "villain" of "Eagle Eye." Despite the golden orb fiasco, Caruso handles a fairly interesting premise with reasonable aplomb. Kudos to the car chase sequences. I will never use my cruise control again.



EAT.



Frankly, I don't recall seeing a single character eat during this entire movie. I may be mistaken but, apparently adrenaline is sustenance enough for these characters. However, at one point, Jerry Shaw (Shia LaBeouf) encourages his friend to bet all his money in a poker game so he can take his girl out somewhere nice like Olive Garden or Red Lobster. My fellow elitist audience members snickered. But I thought, hey, those aren't dives. You can drop a pretty penny taking your date out to dinner and a movie. Times are hard. Why not treat your significant other to Olive Garden's "Never Ending Pasta Bowl" special or the limited time "Endless Shrimp" plate at Red Lobster? Snicker all you want until the stock market falls another 900 points.




SHOP.



Whatever you do, don't shop for computers. Apparently, they all develop minds of their own and their minds all say, "Destroy humankind." Instead, why not arm yourself with the latest military hardware. Little did I know that you could ship weapons via UPS forcing your landlady to put say a hundred or so boxes of guns, ammunition, scopes, and ammonium nitrate in your apartment so it doesn't block the hallway. Ah, the movie magic of Hollywood. Check out http://www.tech.military.com/ for an extensive guide to the latest in military weaponry. When you're just itching to get on the FBI's watch list, I'm betting one trip to that site should do it. Hmmmm. Uh oh.

Where's a zombie when you need one?

Blindness-Mark Ruffalo, Julianne Moore





SEE?




Ah, those wacky Canadian-Brazilian-Japanese filmmakers with their wacky literary adaptations. Let's take "Blindness." Hmmm. No zombies in this "world-gone-wrong" flick but same basic premise. People lose their s**t when the slightest little thing goes wrong like being unable to see anything but a milky white film in front of your eyes. A nation of whiners, I say. So, to control the problem, you start rounding up the afflicted (such as an ironically blind opthamologist known only as Doctor (Mark Ruffalo) and his miraculously still seeing wife (Julianne Moore). )Next, you house them in abandoned mental institutions (insert heavy foreshadowing of the breakdown of society here.) And then it begins. People walk around naked 'cause hey, who's looking? Well, Julianne Moore is but the blind people don't know that. (You know, people don't tend to abandon their clothes in zombie movies. Score one for zombie movies.) Insert previously mentioned naked persons having sex in feces filled hallways. Hey, they weren't born blind. Nobody taught them how to locate a toilet in the dark (or through a milky white film.)



The good times just keep on comin' though. Once mild-mannered bartender turned narcissistic sociopath (Gael Garcia Bernal) enters the picture, we get a whole new movie. We get to see what people truly become like when the chips are not only down but being hoarded by a crazy person and his gang. Women are bartered for food (only heterosexuals need apply at this funny farm please.) I guess you'll have to excuse me if I find this sort of deconstruction of humankind to be a luxury of comfortably situated Western minds. For those who live 24/7 in a region where clean water is scarce and electricity (if it exists) may only come on for an hour a day, a film like this one may err on the side of hysteria. Wacky Canadian-Brazilian-Japanese filmmakers.




Now, maybe I'm being too practical here but there are actual blind people in this mental ward who were born blind (or became blind before the epidemic.) They probably were taught the skills necessary to survive in a world without sight. Surely, these blind people could assist the newly blind people with keeping the power running, the water flowing, etc. I'm not talking about flying a DC-10 or anything here but c'mon. Would we be completely incapable of keeping society running at a basic level? Just cause of a few million blind people. Reeeaallly?! Okay. I probably wouldn't want them cooking either.



SHOP.



Guns and ammo. 'Cause blind people should have those items if they're gonna be forced to live in a hellhole mental ward with an armed sociopath. Okay. Maybe not. But seeing-eye dogs were not an option apparently. Oooooh! I know! A can opener. (Not electric. No sense in that. There's nobody left to run the electricity as.) Very handy when you make your escape from the hellhole mental ward and start raiding those annoyingly overpriced specialty grocery stores with the rest of the blind people who did not think to order a manual can opener prior to the epidemic.



EAT.




Anything. Seriously. The way this movie was going I was pretty sure the blind were going to start digging up corpses and chowing down which would have provided me with my longed for zombie movie atmosphere. However, it didn't come to that and armed with my trusty manual can opener (or Swiss Army Knife for the pros), I could get by on canned food for awhile. However, up until the guards go blind, they do serve the blind inmates institutional food which resembles a Swanson's frozen dinner. Remember those? Anybody? Guess not. Well, they still exist apparently in the form of Swanson's Classics. So, if you're feeling a deep seated need to eat a meal in a plastic microwaveable tray, check out your local supermarket for the original "TV dinner." It might be best to close your eyes and imagine yourself in the mental ward though. That'll bring out the flavor for sure.

They Shoot Audiences, Don't They?

Appaloosa-Ed Harris, Viggo Mortensen, Renee Zellweger, Jeremy Irons





SEE?


Hollywood Western=men + horses + beautiful landscape/women. At least that's the formula I come up with in my mind. Good guys vs. bad guys. A simple tale about how men act when they are stripped down to the bare elements and forced to survive. This story is what the audience comes to see. A Western is not a story about some untrustworthy floozy traipsing around playing piano, pouting her lips and distracting the our hero from his purpose. Our bad guy is not a frail looking Brit dressed like an outlaw who got lost on his way Shakespeare in the Park. Our good guy should certainly be troubled, but not by the inability to articulate big words. In fact, our hero rarely speaks at all. That's why we like him. Actions not words. Our hero's sidekick must either die at the hands of the aforementioned bad guy or kick the bad guy's sidekick's ass. He cannot kill above his station. It is against the code of the Western. And our women....well, that's a tough one.


Yes, there have been well written roles for women in westerns. Linda Hunt in "Silverado." She was interesting. Of course, she wasn't there to have sex with anybody so they had to give her character a brain. Go figure. Robin Weigart's Calamity Jane in "Deadwood" also exhibited complexity of action and thought. Of course, that character was usually falling down drunk unless given some noble task to perform like protecting a brothel. She, too, was not intended as an object of romantic interest for anyone, thus, freeing her to be, well, almost a complete human being. "Appaloosa's" Ally French (Renee Zellweger) never develops enough as a character to shed any light on her motivations. We don't know her fears or her desires or where in the world she got all those awfully nice clothes. I guess her purpose is to separate our hero from his sidekick and put conflict in the story. But, frankly, all I wanted her to do was get out of the way, and let us get back to the shootin'. We had more than enough conflict before she trotted her perky butt into town.


I haven't read the book. You got me on that one. I should not have to read it (yes, I can read) in order to enjoy the movie. I should not have to refer to page 186 in order to understand what motivates Ally French. (Motivates on a real level. Not the bizarre musings of the menfolk about what she's looking for in a man.) I should not have to look up the reasons for Virgil Cole's (Ed Harris) violent outbursts or obsession with words. It should be clear in the movie. If not-rewrite, reshoot, reedit. Oh forget it. I'll just read the book and skip the film next time. Ed Harris+Viggo Mortensen +Western should=box office gold. But not if you muck it up with a convoluted romance and then further muck it up with boring courtroom scenes and sitcom level humor. I hope they try again with a simple Western. Maybe a revenge tale. Maybe I could contribute based what I felt when I left the theater.


SHOP.


Virgil Cole is plagued by the inability to recall complex words. As am I. It's supposed to be a humorous tick. It is the first time the audience sees it. The next ten times...well. Anyway, I thought he could really use a dictionary. But then I thought, if he doesn't recall the word, then he can't look it up. So maybe a thesaurus. At least he could look up similarly themed words until he finds the one he's looking for. Then, as often happens, I got bored and thought of clothes. Everett Hitch (Viggo Mortensen) sports this really cool jacket with a leather panel on the shoulder just for resting his rifle barrel or gun belt (items I don't normally carry around unless I'm visiting my family in Texas.) That's neat. He also wears a very pretty scarf but that brings up other questions so I won't worry about it. If you're in the mood for vintage western wear, shop http://www.1880westernwear.com/ or http://www.gentlemansemporium.com/. And, if you're still concerned about "missingworditus," visit http://www.dictionary.com/ and http://www.thesaurus.com/. Everybody needs a little help with their speaking skills now and then. Just ask our vice-presidential candidates.


EAT?


When you're hot on the trail of Hamlet..., I mean, your rugged, crazy-psychotic British bad rancher character, in the treacherous New Mexico wilderness (as if), you need food that's light, easily packable and durable. Jerky (I'm sure they make veggie jerky somewhere in California), power bars, coffee. Okay, one of these things does not belong but stretch your imagination a bit. I did for almost two whole hours. For rugged trail food to keep you going through a seemingly endless supply of bullets (most of which I wished would hit me), try http://www.aaoob.com/. The website claims that some of this food can be stored for roughly 3 to 5 years in their special containers. Yeah, you heard me. Be afraid. Or you could, I don't know, stay home, cook a real meal and read.