Yes. They Made Three of These Movies.

Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans-Bill Nighy, Michael Sheen, Rhona Mitra

Director: Patrick Tatopoulos


SEE?



Rise of the Lycans is apparently a prequel to the first two Underworld movies. Having seen neither previous movie, I still figured I'd be okay to figure out the story. It can't be that complicated. And, let's be honest, with the likes Bill Nighy and Michael Sheen in this vampire/werewolf franchise, well, it's like having Peter O'Toole and Richard Burton appear in the original Terminator. (Yeah. It's just not right.) But even actors have bills to pay, I guess. Also, I suspect many actors, tired of the boring rigidity of standard modern day roles, relish the idea of letting loose with I nice role you can sink your teeth into. (Yes. I went there. You knew I would.)

Despite my misgivings regarding casting, I found myself kind of enjoying the experience and the over-the-top vampy (er....never mind) acting. The Underworld series is apparently not that much of a stretch for British actors like Nighy, Sheen and Mitra. It is essentially a period costume drama about royalty and serfs. And when we think about the British film industry, we think-gangster movies, Bond movies, period costume dramas. Just not usually with vampires. Our actors here must have felt right at home, if a little silly in all that leather.


I did have some concerns about the world these "characters" live in. I noticed that Michael Sheen sure buffs up and tans nicely. He's a werewolf in this film. I guess werewolves are tan when they're not furry. Although he lives around vampires, and vampires generally shun sunlight. Still, he's very tan. Must have good tanning beds in the vampire fortress. And speaking of vampires, what gives? Aren't vampires supposed to be all bad ass and immortal. The killing is more like an all you eat buffet without the usual sexy malice that vampire film aficionados crave. Not very interesting. The love story between Selene (Rhona Mitra) and Lucian (Sheen) is oddly disturbing. Mostly because when I think of romance my thoughts tend to wander toward making babies and, (spoiler alert) in fact, Selene does become pregnant with Lucian's child. Um, excuse me? The offspring of vampire and a werewolf looks like what exactly? Don't you have to be living to procreate? (I'm just a stickler for rules of the undead, I guess.) And where exactly does one send such half-breed children to school? Random thoughts I had while waiting for the movie to end.


Oh, and speaking of making babies. The love scenes don't leave as much to the imagination as I wish they had. Especially the hanging over the cliff shot. Thanks for that. Anyway, if period costume vampire werewolf feud movies are your cup of blood then you can probably endure this for 92 minutes. How painful can it be? Oh wait, the sex scene just flashed into my mind again. Forget it.


EAT.


Meat! What else? While I watched this movie all I could think about was sinking my teeth into a thick, juicy human. What?! For an all you can eat meat extravaganza, check out Picanha Burbank. The website says they offer "Brazilian style churrascaria barbecue and the complete Brazilian cowboy dining experience." I don't know what the hell that is, but I know it involves meat, and eating flesh is what Underworld is all about. For locations visit, http://www.picanharestaurant.com/. Bring your fangs.


SHOP.


Leather. Never seen so much leather. You would think if you were a werewolf, you'd be hesitant to wear the product of another animal's flesh, but then again, you're apparently a werewolf with a weakness for tanning beds so what do I know? I would imagine the cleaning bill for removing all of that blood would be rather exorbitant. Well, bygones. Let it be said, there's something about Michael Sheen's bare chest peeking out of a long black leather coat that just says "eat me" (Um. Or something like that.) So, I say bring on the tight leather pants and strange leather man-corsets. (This is what happens when you let a creature designer direct.) C'mon! Why did you think I went to see the movie? It ain't like it's Shakespeare. For your connection to the dark side of dressing, creep on over to http://www.darklinks.com/. You can check out the directory of gothic clothing store options or explore the equally prolific list of gargoyle stores if leather's not your thing.

Why You Deserve to be Taken.

Taken-Liam Neeson, Famke Janssen














SEE.














Here's a tip for you, Mr. Besson. Generally, the audience has to want you to save the person who was kidnapped. Otherwise, they just don't care about the movie. Sure, on occasion, we just go to see a can of whoop-ass get opened. I don't know perhaps the French feel differently about their abduction movies. Luc Besson penned this movie but did not direct (for those who care), and, apparently, this man has no children which would explain this storyline. Retired government bad ass Bryan Mills (Liam Neeson) has a problem. His awkward but cute 17 year-old daughter wants to go (unaccompanied) to France with her bubbly blond 19 year-old friend. Should Dad: a) agree but first speak to all of the people she will be staying with; b) agree, give her a cell phone with instructions to call and wish her the best of luck even though he knows she has lied to him; c) chain her in the basement with some Jerry Lewis movies and tell her that's as close to France as she's getting? Well, "a" and "c" don't make for much of a movie now, do they? That's right Luc and Liam send this little darling off to Europe even though she has the attention span of a gnat and precious little sense. Why, you ask? Well, if you were a divorced former member of some special operatives branch trying to make up for lost time and compete with your daughter's super rich stepfather what would you do? Duh!






Kids, when you are travelling abroad, a little paranoia will serve you well. Never have two people on screen been more deserving of kidnapping than these chicks. Hello! You're from Los Angeles not the moon. Surely, you have some big city savvy that lets you know that hopping into a cab with a total stranger at the airport is not a good idea. Oh and, by the way, when he says "Cabs here are so expensive. Why don't we share one?" you reply, "My stepdaddy is rich. What do I care?" This is how you avoid getting sold into white slavery. Also, city girls don't draw complete strangers a map to their homes. I know, I know. I have trust issues. I don't lead a very adventurous life, but I'm still alive. Seems like a fair trade.




Now that darling daughter has gone and gotten "taken," poor dad (the guy she got all pissed off at because he didn't want her to go to Paris because he knows that her and her friend together only have half a brain and the maturity of a zygote) has to traipse all over Paris torturing, maiming and killing to save her stupid behind. Liam Neeson had to know when he signed on for this, it was gonna hurt. Him. Physically. I kind of like that about the movie. When he runs (and he runs a lot), he looks winded. I mean he's a 56 year-old Irishman. When Mr. Besson called, he probably said, "You'll get to demonstrate your Irish triathlalon talents, and you'll get to toss around lines like, 'I have a very special set of skills.' and 'You are going to be taken.' And, Liam responded, "Are you insane?" To which Mr. Besson replied, "Oui. But we'll pay you. A lot." Oh, Liam, reciting tough guy dialogue as though you're reciting Shakespeare does not make it a period piece. (I'm betting after take 15 of beating the s**t of some poor Albanian guy those period costumes were starting to look pretty damn good.)






By the way, when I call my dad during a kidnapping in progress, and he says, "You are going to be taken," my response will be something along the lines of "What the f*** are you talking about?! You'd better get your Irish ass over here right the f*** now and help me not get taken!" Could just be me.





EAT.







Let's start with whatever it takes to make your children not as stupid as the girls in this movie . I'm pretty sure I've touched on this topic in a previous blog so just reach back into the archives. Next up, let's study all the foods you would have to ingest in order to maintain the energy level required to rescue your stupid child. McDonald's ain't gonna cut it on this trip, folks. Visit http://www.clean-energy-ideas.com/natural_detox/high_energy_foods.html for a listing of all the foods we never eat...I mean we work into our diets regularly because it's soooo good for us. To obtain the patience required for raising teenagers you'll have to look for some other imaginary website.





SHOP.





To demonstrate Liam's considerable fighting skills, we are treated to a scene reminiscent of The Bodyguard, because, as we all know, next to stupid American tourists, pop singers are a favorite target of the psychotic criminal. Of course, our pop diva here is duly grateful, but, this is Liam Neeson, and apparently, there will be no love story. If you truly miss that romantic element in this movie, may I suggest you pick up a copy of said cinema classic, The Bodyguard. You can sing along to the song. (You know the one.) You can marvel at the almost dialogue free kitchen fight scene. You can wonder why all 6'4" of Mr. Neeson wasn't cast in Kevin Costner's role. (Oh, I think we know why. "I have a very special set of skills." That line doesn't have quite the same meaning in Whitney Houston's world now does it?) Well, I'm sure you know where to go to find this film (yeah, I called it a film just to confuse you.) That's right. The bowels of hell or http://www.amazon.com/dvds-used-hd-action-comedy-oscar/b?ie=UTF8&node=130. Lord help you, if you actually do this.

I am the Rule.

He's Just Not That Into You-Jennifer Anniston, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Connelly, Ginnifer Goodwin, Justin Long, Drew Barrymore, Scarlett Johannsen, and Bradley Cooper














SEE.



For those of you who have already seen the movie or read the book, I am the rule. Romance does not work out for me. I assume that the guy is just not that into me, but still I desperately sift through the signs that he might be. "He covered his mouth when he coughed near me." "He asked if he could use my phone." "He came by my desk and ate all my candy." Yes, all of these have been clear cut signs that the guy who had no interest whatsoever in me was well on his way to falling head-over-heels and bringing me home to meet mommy and daddy. Pathetic? Perhaps. But totally relatable to most single women my age. Generally, we're just too embarrassed to talk about it after age 35. I don't consider myself a girly-girl, but clearly, I'm a romantic. I hold out hope even in the most hopeless of situations. It is the simple cinematic acknowledgement of this facet of some women's lives that made me like this movie. Again, I never read the book. There is something just a little too real and unsympathetic about reading those particular words in print.






However, seeing a variety of characters on the big screen who act out my greatest fears, humiliations and sorrows with humor and still hold out hope for love is comforting. It may be delusional, but as I have said before, that is what these Valentine's season movies are all about. After a bitter winter of estrangement, death, torture and war in search of an Oscar nomination, we emerge into spring filled with new possibilities for the future (until the summer's fare is released at least.) In the end, the love we've been rooting for always triumphs. Here is where my own love affair with the movie ends. Spoiler alert.








The skinny bitch always gets dumped. I had hope for Jennifer Connelly in this movie, a comedy for once. But noooo. Ms. Connelly still corners the market on the desperately sad and heart-breaking roles. You may find her movie husband here pretty smarmy. The audience certainly gets led by the nose waiting for her to discover his most foul sin-secretly smoking. Why, oh why, is the setup for Ben's (Bradley Cooper) adultery designed to make his indiscretion more palatable to the audience. We find out: 1) his wife gave him an ultimatum-"marry me or else" and 2) his wife is not the warmest of creatures (read-suspicious and a wee bit controlling.) These traits tend to drive men away. (They would certainly drive me away.) Why couldn't this storyline couldn't be a bit less pat? Why couldn't she be delightful and sweet? Whatever she is, she doesn't deserve to be cheated on. You'll still find Ben rather unforgivably smarmy at the end (Sorry, Mr. Cooper. I hope that is what you were going for here.) But, maybe some marriages are fine, and people sometimes just stray for no good reason. Maybe, instead of being the victim, Connelly's character Janine might have realized that she married out of college because everybody told her that's what you do. Maybe she might have realized, she's just not that into her smarmy husband.






Next up, my dear Gigi (Ginnifer Goodwin) who finds a possible long-term relationship in every man she meets. And I thought my standards were low. Still, how in the world does she manage to find anything attractive about Alex (Justin Long)? Cynical. Hard-hearted. A man who uses the cold, hard truth to reinforce his dim view of the world and all the people in it. This is the guy you want to fall in love with?! There's not even much of a struggle on her part. She may find him offensive at first but she sure doesn't act like it. I would have liked her character to be a little more discerning about the men she chooses and to learn to appreciate herself before throwing herself at this guy. That lesson would have been a good one for me...I mean, women like me. No offense to Justin Long, but she could do better.






Finally, we examine Beth (Jennifer Aniston) and Neil (Ben Affleck) in a case of what I'll call "George Clooney syndrome." If the man has said he doesn't believe in marriage, why wouldn't you believe him? Especially, if he's stuck around for seven years (hell, check your state laws, it's probably a common law marriage by then anyway.) Even if he doesn't stick around and winds up married to someone else, you can pretty much assume, he just didn't want to be married to you. What's so hard to understand about that? Why do we all want to change George Clooney? So what if George doesn't want to marry me? His loss. Am I over his age limit or something?! What was I talking about again? Oh, yeah. So, in the end, a ring gets handed over. We all see this coming. Should it be handed over? This storyline is punctuated by Beth seeing first-hand that her sister's husbands are mostly lazy, good-for-nothing slobs. Yea marriage! Who wants that? If you got a good guy, and he's not going anywhere, sort out how many kids and move on. Ladies, maybe we should not be so into the diamond. Is Valentine's Hell over yet?






EAT.





If you are truly intent on finding a soulmate, you have to feel good about yourself first. Can't attract a mate if you're depressed or feeling fat, right? In the U.K. apparently they have recognized this problem, because I found (I kid you not), www.soulmatelifestyle.com/food. They will tailor a diet for you and deliver it you. That is not all. Oh, no. As part of the overall philosophy of health leading to happiness, they provide advice to help you "love and be loved." Sadly, if you're stuck in the States, I'm afraid all you've got is Dr. Phil (http://www.drphil.com/) and Jenny Craig (http://www.jennycraig.com/). Best of luck to you.





SHOP.



For those of you lucky enough to need to get out of dates with people, the world wide web has a variety of sites where you can peruse some plausible and not so plausible "break the date" excuses. Worse than waiting for the guy to call you is having to come up with some reason to not go out with a guy again. Or so I'm told. For the not so plausible excuses try http://professionalsingles.com. You do have to register for this one. (What?! Mind your own damn....) Personal favorite: "My friend is going to be on 'Who Wants to Be A Millionaire,' and I'm her lifeline." For the more reasonable suggestions try http://www.ehow.com/ and search "break a date." My personal favorite here is: "My stomach is so messed up right now, and I have to keep running to the bathroom." Bodily functions, as a rule, are a turnoff. Of course, you could just be honest, but who wants to start doing that at this point in life.








P.S. Kudos to the product placement whores for best use of a product (Crest Whitestrips) in a movie this year.

Nothing New Under the Sun.

New in Town-Renee Zellweger, Harry Connick, Jr.





SEE?





Welcome to the post-Oscar season onslaught. Yet, another cold-hearted single businesswoman, Lucy (Zellweger), is sent out of the big city into the wilds of middle America (played here by the state of Minnesota) to teach the simple people at her company's plant her complicated and calculated big city ways. Along the way, she discovers that doing a job is about more than getting a result, it's about the people whose lives can be ruined in an instant by callous management. Why, it's those very people and their eccentricities that make America what it is, by golly (you may shed a tear here.) Before she learns those lessons, our cold businesswoman must meet a ruggedly handsome, no-nonsense firefighter-snowplower-union leader, Ted (Connick), to help her find her soft womanly side again. (Yes, I know. A female's gentle side is so easily misplaced because we're doing everything for everybody.) Bring on the requisite clash of big city (soulless, Godless, scrapbookless) versus small town (simple, un-hip, un-savvy in the ways of dressing like hookers and cursing like sailors.) This is how movies are made (you may sigh a collective depressed sigh here.) We, the audience, know that, as in all Valentine's season movies, the relationship between Lucy and Ted will be tested, attraction will be fought, and all will seem lost. In the end, however, love will prevail. It always does. Let us pause here.


And now for my Valentine's season rant...Why is it that all businesswomen must be uptight, uncaring bitches who require the services of some bearded, backwoods jack-of-all-trades (forgive the stereotype) to be thawed out of their block of ice? (Spoiler alert.) Never mind that it's Lucy's gumption, drive and business savvy that saves the plant she is sent to shut down. Never mind that she accomplishes this and more, turning the plant back over to the workers. Viva La Revolucion! No, that is not the real story of this movie. Certainly, it's not the story we came to see. We came to see the taming of the shrew. Why, our Lucy is so flummoxed by her feelings for Ted that she can't even formulate words (for a painfully long time) when he wishes her bon voyage back to Miami. She's a businesswoman. A plant manager. She talks to people all day. She can't manage, "I'll miss you, too." C'mon.



Look. I love a love story. Really! This rant is not just 'cause I get bitter around Valentine's Day. And, no, I haven't been reading any Susan Faludi lately. Today's romantic comedy, as a genre, feigns support of women by giving them a title and job competence, but it always comes down to how these businesswomen are so like men that it takes a real man's man to rein 'em back in to romance (confused yet?). As an apology for shooting him, Lucy bakes Ted a cake, and then claims she doesn't bake. If you don't bake, then why bring the man a cake? Bring him some stock options as an apology. Business is what you do best! The only giving in on Ted's side of the equation is when he let's Lucy take over the "mommy" duties and get his daughter dudded up for the big dance. Not really a big sacrifice on his part. Not quite like risking your career and moving to another state. No, really, I'm not bitter. I just prefer that these romantic comedies stop being thinly veiled treatises on how women need men and become stories about how we all need each other. Personally, I think that premise is where this movie began, and the Hollywood snowplow just ran right over it.



EAT.




Do Minnesotans eat an inordinate amount of tapioca? I'm just asking. The very consistency of it makes me shy away but when in Rome. Oddly, when I went to research what I assumed was a Minnesotan love affair with tapioca pudding, what I came across were a bunch of really hurt responses to this movie and its stereotyped characters. Let me just say this, when I fly from California to Texas to visit my family I am periodically asked by them if I still eat meat, as though once I pass into California airspace, all carnivorous impulses are sucked from my body by some vegan beach bunny. Conversely, when I return to California from Texas, I am usually treated to a barrage of Bush jokes and questions about how many weapons I'm carrying. So, I say lovingly to Minnesota, "Toughen up! Everybody's got a weak spot."




SHOP.



I don't know what skidproofing the wardrobe department put on dear Lucy's heels, but I want me some of that. Having lived in New Jersey, Michigan and Montana I can tell you heels were not an option for me. Frankly, Lucy, in the real world, you would have packed those bad girls in on day one. Boots, Lucy, boots. What better shopping opportunity for a city girl in the wild than the glorious array of "mukluks" that are available up north. Hell, I own five pair, and I live n L.A. (It gets chilly here. Stop it.) Ditch the bitch heels. (You were only put in them to develop your character anyway and maybe so Harry Connick didn't have to bend quite so far down to kiss you.) Get down to the ground. Slide on over to http://www.muklukstore.com/. You won't believe what you can get there. Actually, you might, you just won't believe the price. There is a fur free option that's cheaper for you animal lovers. For you Australia purists, there's always http://www.uggaustralia.com/. Now you're Minnesota ready. If only you had a man and a good tapioca recipe.

And now we know we're screwed.

SUPERBOWL XLIII



SEEN.


I don't watch the Superbowl because I care about football. In my home state of Texas, watching football is mandatory whether you like it or not. Still, I admit I enjoy the sport. The unchecked testosterone. The obsessive fans. The tight pants. All fascinating. But on Superbowl Sunday, I don't watch for the sake of watching a football game. I want to root for the underdog in America's most relentlessly commercial televised event. No, I'm not talking about the poor Arizona Cardinals. I'm talking about us. The U.S. that is. The American consumer who, this year, is on edge with the ever present threat of sudden unemployment and yet is still, without mercy, throttled by the most expensive 30 seconds of insipid advertising known to man. Advertising so expensive that the combined cost of it all could have kept Bank of America afloat. Advertising so brainless as to be an insult to the very people it purports to want to impress. America, I was rooting for you to survive both the commercials and the over-hyped halftime show. How did you do? First, let's see what you were up against in between plays.

I think we were all collectively stunned when the commercials started repeating themselves. No offense to the Peacock, but how many times can I watch your shameless whoring (I mean "promotion") of Chuck in 3-D? (Why does Chuck even need to be in 3-D?) That coveted ad space for America's most watched television program did not sell out. Shocking that so many "responsibly" managed companies could not afford to buy airtime at $100,000 per second. Budweiser apparently bought time in bulk and received a discount. Good for fans of the Clydesdale and Conan O'Brien. Not so much for the rest of us. Remember when colleges used to be able to advertise during the Superbowl? Yeah , me either.





Now for the upside of Superbowl XLIII. Sort of.



Jennifer Hudson delivers. Months after a devastating family tragedy that would sideline even the toughest and most anonymous of people, she turns in a "Star Spangled Banner" that will live on in history. At least, I think it will.





The Boss is one bendy 59 year-old. It's been years since I've seen Bruce Springsteen in concert, but I'll tell you what, I'll bet on him against any angsty twenty-something rocker for energy level ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. I winced every time I saw him drop down to his knees or up on his toes. When he slid across the stage on his knees, my whole lower body quivered. And, frankly, I think the cameraperson on the receiving end of his slide quivered as well. What Bruce was doing with the microphone stand between his legs would have been censored on ABC. Sorry, kids. Whether you like his music or not, you just got schooled. Still the Boss as far as I'm concerned.




Commercials: Part Deux. Every year, we consumers are asked to vote for our favorite commercial. Kind of like asking us to vote for the instrument of torture we'd most like to be punished with. Still, here it goes. The "crystal ball" Doritos commercial is my favorite. (Sorry, Budweiser. I'm not a fan of Clydesdales.) It was a very "make your own destiny" sort of ad with a touch of the "but this may not work for everyone" thrown in for good measure. My runner-up would be Careerbuilders.com. I choose them not just because most people can completely identify with the premise, but also because any company with the balls to tell us that "it may be time" to change jobs when 60,000 jobs were lost in one day alone remains on such a level of positive delusion that an award seems the only viable response. This is, after all, America.



EATEN.




No, Mr. Springsteen, I didn't have any chicken wings to put down. Superbowl favorite foods this year are: chips and guacamole, Adam's pulled pork sandwiches, and Melody's lemon bars. Can't...stop...eating....




SHOP.




3-D glasses. Apparently, NBC has developed a new and exciting form of 3-D which can make even the blandest commercial jump through the television screen and grab onto your wallet. I don't know if you have to have a specific pair of these glasses for each and every 3-D gimmicky movie or TV show out there, but, just in case you want to watch something other than Chuck in 3-D or My Bloody Valentine 3-D or Madea Goes to Jail 3-D (no, not really), check out http://www.3dglassesonline.com/. This way you can always have a pair on hand for your 3-D viewing emergencies. What?! What are you looking at? Hey, who knows, maybe, they'll start shooting the evening news in 3-D. Now that'll be entertaining.