Not in America

The Boys Are Back-Clive Owen





SEE.





Child safety laws? Anyone? Not in Australia apparently. Nope. Just strap that kid to the hood of a jeep and go. (Wait! Was that kid even strapped to the jeep?) It's the beach! Sand and water. If he falls off, how bad can it be? Yeah, I'm pretty sure there's no good way to present that scene to wussy American audiences. Our children wear leashes in public. Seatbelts in grocery carts. We are a safety conscious country. However, in Australia (home to ten of the world's most poisonous snakes as one character notes), safety is in the eye of the beholder. Who wouldn't let their child jump repeatedly into a shallow tub? It's got water in it for Pete's sake! Anyhoo. Here's where the feminists got it right. If something happens to one or the other of a child's parents, the other one should be prepared to fill in. You should be trained in the bare minimum of your spouse's "duties." You should not suddenly find yourself in need of another wife or husband because you don't know how to clean your house, dress your kids or start a lawnmower. But, I digress.





Based on the true story of a sportswriter who suddenly finds himself struggling to stay afloat and raise his two sons after the death of his second wife, The Boys are Back is alternately frustrating, enlightening and disturbing. Frustrating because Joe Warr (Clive Owen), travels the world covering major sporting events, but apparently, in his lifetime, has never washed a dish. Enlightening because the rules of sane parenting can apparently be amended somewhat to allow for a bit more enjoyment of life without, in fact, killing every child on the planet. Who knew you could let you child drop repeatedly from about 25 feet up in the air without incident? Disturbing because just because your child survives one daredevil escapade after another doesn't necessarily mean fate won't catch up. Everything in moderation, people.







EAT.







Ketchup and spaghetti. This is why you should teach your kids (and some parents as well apparently) to cook so they don't think that that ketchup and spaghetti constitutes an actual meal. Oh, wait. Here's a actual recipe for "ketchup spaghetti. Nevermind. Squeeze the bottle at http://www.convergingcuisine.com/?p=28. Better stock up on the Heinz after all.











SHOP.











Not capable of seeing a movie with your children and then talking with the little rug rats afterward to reinforce your own notion of right and wrong? Boy, do I have a website for you! I'd heard about these parental guides but never bothered to check one out before. Of course, after seeing this rather fast and loose interpretation of parenting, one might find a movie guidance website like this rather comforting. That is until you get to the part where the writer discusses a scene with the two brothers in a tub together. Creepy. Abdicate your responsibility at http://kids-in-mind.com/b/boysareback.htm.