Director-Ron Howard
SEE?
Okay, sure. It's my own fault. I saw The Da Vinci Code. I even read the book. Did not like either one. So why, you ask, would I go see Angels and Demons? Same author. Same star. Same basic religious mystery premise. Did I go simply to have fodder to write about? Did I lose my long term memory of the previous movie experience? Did someone put a gun to my head and force me? Nope. I went to see this movie because it was free; I had the time; and everyone deserves a second chance. Even Dan Brown. And guess what. I didn't look at my watch! Not once. Okay. I didn't wear a watch. Still. I was reasonably entertained for the price I paid despite the fact that Robert Langdon is perhaps the most boring hero ever brought to the screen. Honestly. Couldn't you guys incorporate cross-dressing or a cocaine habit or being a serial killer into this role? Anything to make Robert Langdon interesting. Or was that too much of a stretch for Tom and Ron? Vanilla sauce on your vanilla ice cream? Okay, there's nothing wrong with playing a normal guy, but when enough people are getting mutilated, drowned and burned to make even Bloody Mary (look it up, people) cringe, even a normal guy oughta take a step back and have a drink or a snort or some sex. Am I wrong?
Hear me out about the boring part. We don't know anything about this guy other than he is a professor of an obscure subject who writes little known books and is forever entangled with the Catholic Church although he doesn't even believe in God. Okay, maybe we know a little bit about him, but still, is he married? Does he wear boxers or briefs? Does he have kids? Does his have a vacation home I can sublet? Give me a reason to care if he lives or dies-other than I really hope he gets into the Vatican's secret vaults so he can finish yet another book that no one will read. I guess we just have to go with the Tom Hanks card. (What's that, you ask?) Tom Hanks is a really nice guy; therefore, the audience must not see him die or do anything mildly controversial. Maybe I'm making that up.
On the other side of the spectrum from being absurdly boring, we have just plain absurd. How many more movies will subject us to mystery after mystery being revealed through inane or obscure clues that no professor could possibly unearth no matter how brilliant he or she is? (Thank you Nicholas Cage for popularizing this trend.) I mean , Tom, the centuries-old angels are pointing the right direction to find the Vatican's missing priests? Really? Even you had to find that a bit of a stretch. Oh, and I'm not even going to justify the superconducter antimatter bomb subplot by joking about it. Sure it drives our timeline, but wouldn't a regular bomb or a dirty bomb work just as well?
EAT.
The man's in Italy for 24 hours. He doesn't eat and neither should you.
SHOP.
Just when you thought you were out, he pulls you back in. Oh, no, ladies and gentleman-Dan Brown is not done with Robert Langdon, the world's most drab protagonist. The Lost Symbol, a new Dan Brown novel, will be released in September. (Remember it's not about the book, it's about the movie. Heaven help us. Oh wait, heaven let us live through these first two movies.) Look for it if you dare. Maybe the angels will point you in the right direction.
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