I like my heroes neutered.

The Watchmen-Billy Crudup, Matthew Goode, Patrick Wilson, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Malin Akerman


Director-Zack Snyder





SEE.







I was working on a studio lot which premiered this movie early. After the screening, several people wandered around the lot dazed. Kind of like they'd been mugged, in fact. "What's wrong?" I asked pretending to care. Only one man could compose himself enough to actually speak. He whispered, "Disturbing male nudity." He scurried away. What in the name of all that's holy is he talking about? First of all, everyone in Hollywood knows that the MPAA won't allow full frontal male nudity. Not if you want a rating that will allow your film to be seen by anyone outside of France and Denmark that is. Good Lord. Now I'm going to have to see this film just to find out what he is talking about. Let me clear. I'm not seeing this movie because I want to. Not seeing this movie because I really loved 300 (even though I really did.) Not even seeing this movie as my duty because I need to have a movie to blog about.





Disturbing male nudity. C'mon. You know you have to go when somebody says that phrase to you. Nobody is disturbed by violence, rape, death or language but the world will burn to ashes if the male form is seen in it's entirety on the big screen. You know you've always wondered how the Incredible Hulk hides his incredible...ness when he bulks up. Amazing movie magic, of course. He clothes magically grow to cover him and protect us from his incredible...ness. What, I thought, could these guys have done in this movie that would so freak out an innocent moviegoer? Well, as it turns out, when you are a blue irradiated man, clothing is an item you eschew. His preferred work wardrobe is au naturel. And this bothers no one. Not his coworkers. Not his girlfriend. Not his old superhero buddies. Nope. Everyone is perfectly comfortable seeing him in the buff. Of course, they always look him in the eye. They respect him. Why should anything bother them? After all, he's blue. He's the blue guy. Blue is the most disturbing thing about him. Not his hippy nudist colony philosophy.







Um, the filmmaker, being male and, therefore, of delicate ego with regard to disturbing male nudity, did thoughtfully cover blue guy's incredible...ness when blue guy grew to 100 times his normal size. This touch probably kept the bulk of Mr. Snyder's male viewers from fleeing the theater mortified and humiliated. Only the bulk, that is. The rest of his male audience were so consumed with wondering where you'd even get a Speedo that size if you needed one that eventually they ran out screaming, "My eyes! My eyes!" Ah, well. Creative license I suppose. Realism is what you wanted, realism you shall have a bounty of. Enjoy.





By the by. This ain't Spiderman. If the warning about disturbing male nudity didn't scare you, let me state with certainty, this ain't for kids. There's is some good sex up in here. Yeah, you heard me. Blue guy can split himself into several different guys. Let your imagination run wild there. He's not the only one having a good time either. Oh, sorry. You probably wanted to know about the story. I'll have to get back to you. Between the questionable timeline, complicated politics and conspiracy theory, never mind blue guy, I was overwhelmed. Maybe you should just read the graphic novels. (There I go with that reading nonsense again.) I would be remiss if I did not note two, nay three great things about this movie. Nice setup at the beginning. I love a good fight scene. Beautiful to look at. (And I don't just mean blue guy who was actually weird to look at.) And Jackie Earle Haley. I'll leave that for you to figure out if you're brave enough.





EAT.







What do superheroes eat? No really. I mean the heroes in this movie are smart, fast, agile and hella strong. Only blue guy has a specific scientific accident linked to his power. The rest of them just seem to eat right, take their vitamins and know how to reload their weapons quickly. Don't ask me. I just saw the movie. I don't know the individual history of all the characters (though I'm sure somebody does.) Maybe it does pay to eat your spinach. Check out the superheroes' guide to eating at http://health.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=695299. Who knew?





SHOP.







Speedo. Boy, you know it's true. Sure, Michael Phelps may have renewed interest in the swimwear line with the world's fastest swimsuit but, we all know when we think of speedo, we think of one thing. Terror at the beach. Now we can think of something else as well. Giant blue guy in a supersized speedo. Go ahead. Check out the sizing if you dare. We'll be watching for you at http://www.speedo.com/.