Putting Away Childish Things.

A Post-Presidential Inauguration Special Edition.







SEEN.







I saw the historic (lest this term be underused) inauguration of Barack Obama. Yes, I did. From afar. On a giant television screen (called a Jumbotron.) On the Mall in D.C. In the freezing cold. But still on a screen, which makes it a lot like watching a movie which is why I write here about lessons I learned while attending the swearing-in ceremony and the Youth Ball (Yes, it was for 18-35 year-olds but I'm not bitter, and I look 35ish.)





Lesson #1: Don't skimp on shoes.





January is typically not a good month for outdoor events unless you are a fan of skiing, snowboarding or ice fishing. Standing outside for 7 hours in freezing temperatures can break the will of even the most dedicated, patriotic American. I broke inside two hours. Literally, I lost the will to live (like when I watched the remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still); I abandoned my friend (who was treated to a re-airing of the "We Are One" inaugural celebration); and I fled to the nearest warming station at the Smithsonian Museum. Well, not exactly. The main Smithsonian Museum was closed to the public (Huh? Yeah, I was confused, too.) Guess they didn't want the general population lining the halls and amputating our frostbitten toes. So, I went next door to the Smithsonian Museum of American History (Don't ask me. I don't live there.) While at the museum, I took a tour of Julia Childs' home kitchen. I also treated myself to use of a proper indoor bathroom not the port-a-potties that all the tough guys outside were suffering through. Eventually, I felt bad for abandoning my friend. ("Eventually" took about an hour if you must know.)




Then came the hard part. Facing the cold and finding my friend again through the additional 100,000 people who had arrived since I fled. When I finally reached her, she appeared to be a solid block of ice wearing an Obama button. That's dedication. The dedication of the tens of thousands of people who came to view an amazing moment in history was truly astonishing. I, too, was dedicated. About five hours in I was dedicated to the idea of thawing my feet out in a warm place again. I stuck in out though and what an experience. All of those people gathered together because they believe that not one man, but all of us can change the course of history. Amazing. What we could not change was the direction that the D.C. authorities directed us to get home.







Lesson #2-Everybody leaves at the same time.







Without my friend, I would still be standing in the Mall waiting for the Fourth of July celebration. Navigating Washington D.C. has never been a strong suit of mine. So, I followed her back to our hotel. In fact, lots of people followed her. If you would like to know what would happen in the event of a disaster at a huge event packed with thousands of people, I'll tell you. Gridlock. People as far as the eye can see stacked on top of each other like sardines. Yes, we were all sent to the same damn metro station at the same time. Good for the Inaugural Parade route, not so much for us. On the upside, we were all warm. And what better way to get to know your fellow Americans. Intimately.







Lesson #3-Volunteerism Ain't for Everybody.







A good friend of mine called me at the last minute with an opportunity to attend the Youth Ball, one of the ten events that the Obamas were scheduled to attend. The only catch was that I would have to volunteer to work the floor. Well, that's perfect! That's totally in the spirit the National Day of Volunteering that then President-elect Obama called for. Although spending the night standing next to a D.J. telling him when to turn the music on and off was probably not was Mr. Obama had in mind. Well, small technicality. It's the spirit of the thing. I was volunteering. Helping people out of the goodness of my heart. And the free hotel room. And the chance to see not only the President and the First Lady but also Kid Rock, Kanye West and Fallout Boy. What?! It was still, technically, volunteering.





Here's the thing. Giving to the poor is one thing. Giving to a bunch of 18 to 35 year-olds dressed in prom dresses (some of whom had clearly over-imbibed), well, that's an altogether different kind of charity. Standing in heels and a floor length dress for over three hours in a room that was approximately the same temperature as the Arctic Circle does not inspire the spirit of giving. True, the deejay was awesome (I know this because Rosario Dawson told him he was great, not because I have a clue about what he was playing.) True, it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. Still, 4:30AM to 1:30AM is a long time to be awake without chemical assistance, and I ain't no spring chicken. Next time, I think I'll write a check.







EATEN.





Are you kidding? You're going to be standing for hours! You're only bathroom option is a giant cylinder (non-flushing) shared by thousands of people. You don't eat. You don't drink. And you just hope you don't pass out from dehydration. Good luck to you. Don't bitch either. You coulda kept your whiny, liberal ass at home in L.A. where it was 90 degrees.







SHOP.





In honor of the most marketable president in the history of the United States, I say, shop, baby, shop. Street vendors, airport stores, 7-11s and, of course, online. You can buy Obama swag anywhere. Frankly, I'm surprised that economists haven't suggested exporting more Obama goods overseas to try and help boost our devastated economy. I mean, who doesn't want Obama paper dolls? You heard me. Get some.







FLY.





Just a little aside to celebrate the successful solo voyage of my luggage from Washington, D.C. to New York to Los Angeles. Where was I, you ask? Oh, well, I was bumped off of my flight home. I left D.C. three hours after my luggage. I went in the complete opposite direction through Atlanta. Ah, the joys of air travel. It ain't what it used to be. Just 'cause you have a confirmation that don't mean you get to board the plane. Not even if you get to the airport over an hour before departure time. Nooooo. You could be in for more turbulence in the airport than in the air. Well, at least my bag enjoyed the trip. It told me that not having to ride in the baggage compartment was a relief. Loved the complimentary nuts and beverage service and the in-flight television. Stop looking at me like that. Whatever. I can make up a story about my luggage's feelings if I want to. Yes I can, America, yes I can. It's probably the residual effects of hypothermia. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.