Missing the Mark

Rock 'n Rolla-Gerard Butler, Thandie Newton
Director-Guy Ritchie


SEE.


What is a "rock 'n rolla"? No, seriously, I'm asking. For whatever reason, when it comes to the non-Shakespearean British accent, I have real trouble following dialogue. I have the same problem with the deep South so it's not that I'm a xenophobe. Anyway, I have a feeling that if I had understood that first little bit of the movie, I might have seen my way clear to enjoying the whole thing. But, alas, that was not to be. If there is one thing Guy Ritchie does well, it's British gangster films. Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. Snatch. Swept Away (Oh, wait a minute.) With the possible exception of Matthew Vaughn's Layer Cake, no filmmaker can touch Ritchie's flair for the grimy underbelly of England. Sexy yet repulsive. Quick-witted but moronic. The clever with the cliche. Ritchie reveals it all with serious humor. Yet, despite his mad gangsta skills, every gangster film requires a worthy opponent to make the story interesting. Sadly, in this era of multinational corporations, global economic disaster, international war, and crimes without borders, the scariest "villain" Mr. Ritchie can find is-the real estate market. New world order, my ass.


There must be some sex trafficking, high-tech communications disabling, boy soldier recruiting warlord that Mr. Ritchie can import into the British gangland. I mean I understand that real estate is pretty scary now with most homeowners' mortgage payments being more than the actual value of the house but c'mon. It's just that I don't want the bad guy to be interested in going to open houses and tracking property values like I would be if I had money to buy a house. I mean I don't plan on smuggling drugs across the border anytime soon unless I remain unemployed. That's why I need the bad guy to do it. Yeah sure, there's gunplay and thievery foisted upon us to make this real estate deal-gone bad story a little sexy. Not good enough! I need good old-fashioned gangsta style action-not just going through the motions. Next you'll tell me the sequel will delve into the dark world of mortgage backed securities.


We should not take our movie villains and their motives for granted. Landgrabbers (the closest analogy I could unearth) are not villains just because they're greedy. They're villains because they're mean to grandma and grandpa, and grandpa has a heart attack trying to defend his shop. We don't care if the villains are mean to other villains unless those other villains are helping grandma and grandpa. We've really lost touch with villainy and it's enforcer-the villain. A villain is not villainous just because he sports an eastern European accent. He is not a villain just because he owns Kalashnikovs and wears black (Ever been to a club in New York for cryin' out loud?). A villain is a villain because the audience is given a glimpse of his/her soul, and all we see is an abyss. Otherwise, a villain is no more scary than a bank loan officer. And frankly, villains looking to buy buildings so they can drive the value up...well, they're just not that compelling to me.


Speaking of compelling, I like a good chase scene as much as the next guy but I need to feel invested in the outcome. I want Gerard Butler to pull through because he's awfully handsome, and I keep hoping they'll make a prequel to 300. The more movies I watch, the more I discover that you could blow away all of the characters, and I wouldn't so much as hiccup. Just don't care. Maybe the problem is that I've become more gangsta and gangsta movies have become more mainstream. Maybe that is the new world order after all.



EAT.


Okay, this bears no relevance whatsoever to the movie except that Gordon Ramsay is British and likes to swear; therefore, he closely resembles most of the characters in Guy Ritchie's movies. I don't really know what a "rock 'n rolla" is yet, but I suspect that a real upscale "rock 'n rolla"might eat in a Ramsayan restaurant just to show off a bit. So, when in gangstaland (also known as England) pay a visit to http://www.gordonramsay.com/ and good luck getting a reservation. A real "rock 'n rolla" don't need no stinkin' reservations anyhow (I think.)


SHOP?


Tattoos. I bet your scary bank loan officer still doesn't have a tattoo that says "rock 'n rolla" across his back. As far as you know. Anyway, no gangsta (or actor for that matter) is complete without a few tattoos. So bring something to bite and get your paint on. For authentic London ink, visit http://www.londonnet.co.uk/ln/about/tattoos.html. Perhaps, a few appropriately placed tattoos will aid you in closing your next gangstaland real estate deal. Couldn't hurt.