Save the Planet, Screw the Humans.

The Day the Earth Stood Still- Keanu Reeves, Jennifer Connelly, Jaden Smith




SEE?




Toward the end of The Day the Earth Stood Still, Kathy Bates (gloriously miscast as the Secretary of Defense) looks down at her watch only to discover that it has stopped ticking. In fact, we all looked at our watches hoping that time had actually stopped which would explain the loss of two precious hours of our lives-unrecoverable hours. We watched our kindred humans try to convince newly arrived alien, Klaatu (Keanu Reeves), to give humankind another chance instead of wiping out people to save the planet. Frankly, about 25 minutes in (I'm being generous here. It could've been five minutes.), my friend and I wanted to pitch in and help Klaatu and his buddy, Gort (who looks like a prop from the original movie), accomplish their mission. Frankly, if humankind is still willing to spend millions of dollars producing this drivel instead of actually cleaning up the planet, we deserve to be exterminated.



I ask you, have we not, by now, viewed enough science fiction to realize that acting like idiots only confirms our idiocy to the aliens? Generally, most people don't react well to being shot so why should an alien? Most people don't favor being held against their will so why would an alien? Just thinking out loud here. Who'd want to save us anyway? Save the fish, kill the people. People suck. And out of curiosity, are the only people worth saving the classical music-listening, granola loving intellectuals who let their bratty step-children walk all over them like they're wall-to-wall carpet? Are these the only values aliens can relate to? If Klaatu had stumbled upon Joe Six-Pack listening to Toby Keith or a single, childless female singing along to Britney Spears, well, I guess we should kiss our uncultured asses goodbye.



And, you know, I love my all-American movies a much as the next patriot but it's a worldwide crisis yo! Even "W." figured out that in a worldwide crisis it's best to involve...the world. So, given the glut of British and Australian actors currently occupying space on American television, one would think we could dig up an accent or two for this movie (and, no, Keanu doesn't count.) Surely (I mean obviously), not all of the smart people in the world live in the United States nor do they all reside in the New Jersey area (all do props to my featured alma mater, Princeton University.) If this were actually the case, I wouldn't have to keep speaking to my good friend, Bob, in India to fix my computer problems. Just one international scientist to make it appear as though the alien invasion is having an impact everywhere (though I really appreciated all the "been around the world" montages.) Even Michael Bay came up with a hot twenty year old blond Australian computer expert for Transformers. It can be done.




EAT.



McDonald's. Every alien being recognizes the golden arches-the absolute emblem of western over-consumption. This altar of obesity is where the aliens choose to meet?! Well, if it's good enough for Klaatu, then it's good enough for the planet-killing, meat-eating likes of you.



SHOP.




Don't let lower gas prices fool you. If you're forced to drive an environmental fascist around (or an alien), you'd better not pull up in an Escalade. Hybrid, baby, hybrid. Or an electric car if you can find one. Reduce your use at www.kbb.com/kbb/green-cars. Kelley Blue Book will give you the lowdown on green technology so you can impress that alien passenger your schlepping around (you'd think he could figure out how to drive) and give us a real shot at saving our sorry selves. Lord knows Jennifer Connelly couldn't get the job done on her own.