Director-Baz Luhrmann
SEE?
Let me preface this entry with a statement and a query. First, men and women alike weep at the sight of Hugh Jackman sans shirt. Thank you, Mr. Luhrmann. Second, what in the name of all that is holy would possess a country to send its military to any kind of war, except a tug-of-war, wearing shorts? Please don't talk to me about heat. I'm from Texas. Oh, and I don't see any Middle Eastern armies going to war in shorts, do you? We'll come back to this later.
Frankly, I'm not a fan of musicals. There. I've said it. I don't grasp the concept of any sane person breaking into song and/or dance as a means of expressing his or her predicament to an audience on film or in theater. (I realize I have qualified that statement with the term "sane." And, yes, I know "Australia" is technically not a musical. Wait for it.) I mean I don't explain my schedule for the week to my friends via a little ditty punctuated with some tap dance. Nonetheless, Baz Luhrmann won me over to the dark side of melodic exposition with "Moulin Rouge." I even bought the soundtracks. Both of them. Who knew? Unfortunately, the same desire to burst forth into song that made "Moulin Rouge" soar seems to permeate the atmosphere of "Australia." Don't ask me how it happened. It just did. I swear every actor in the movie looks as though they have a song dancing on the tip of their tongue just waiting for the orchestra to cue the right key. Of course, such a situation presents a major problem unless you came expecting a musical in which case you have other more serious problems.
I, however, came to theater expecting a big sweeping World War II-Australian outback-white man done us wrong-big bad rancher vs. cowboy-English rose loves roughneck epic movie! Give me a plucky but obstinate heroine, a ruggedly handsome and conservatively liberal cowboy(what white man marries an aboriginal woman and still remains misogynistic), an oddly mystical big-eyed kid, completely unlikable bad guys and an extraordinary landscape and, well, I'd say you have a sweeping epic movie. However, Baz says that you have a semi-epic movie dotted with over-the-top comedy (Australian humor-what do I know), forced dramatic situations, an even more forced love story and, of course, requisite shots of running livestock topped off with requisite Australian actors Bryan Brown and Jack Thompson. (Both actors are a bit wasted in my humble opinion since this story covers more physical space than actual character development.) In a smaller country I might have found the time and a reason to care about these people, but they had so far to travel and only three hours to get there.
EAT.
When in Rome.... Let's talk about Vegemite, shall we? I have tasted Marmite. Apparently, both Marmite and Vegemite are yeast spreads made from the by-product of beer production. Waste not, want not. I understand Vegemite to be a slightly less harshly flavored version of Marmite; therefore, I feel qualified to comment thusly-"blech, ewww, yuck." I understand that in the olden days when food was scarce we might have considered saving our yeast by-product and turning it into a bread spread resourceful but COME ON! If you insist on celebrating the sweeping "epic" from Down Under with toast and dubious yeast spread, well, I just can't help you.
SHOP?
Admit it. We all love that outback look. Those funny pants with all the pockets. Dashing hats. Ugg boots. (What?) But what about the World War II Australian military uniform? (See?! You thought I forgot about that query.) In this "epic" film, we see Australia's army loading up in their jeeps wearing, well, shorts and jaunty hats like they're heading out to play tennis at the club. "What fresh hell is this?" I thought. Sadly, I'm low on Australian military uniform experts in my stable of friends, and my initial research left me confused and a little concerned for the boys down under. What I gleaned from my first foray into the world of combat shorts is that the soldiers or "diggers" were issued what might be termed a "tropical" uniform consisting of short-sleeved shirts, shorts, boots and "puttees" (or strange woolen bandages wrapped over the lower leg.) I then stumbled across something of an experiment in "adjustable" length pants which I can't even bring myself to discuss.
Finally, I went to the source-the Australian Department of Defence (yes, that's with a "c") website for the Australian Army. I surveyed an astonishing array of uniform configurations and found none (save physical training and protective dress) that currently require donning shorts. Praise the Lord. No, I don't really mean for you to shop for an army uniform so much as to realize that what you wear to war is as important as the weapon you carry. As long as they don't send these guys to face bullets and shrapnel in safari shorts anymore then I'm A-OK. I'll just have to assume they don't break into song and dance in battle.
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