Rules Weren't Made to be Broken

Transporter 3-Jason Statham



SEE?



I know, I know. Just hold your horses. I did not go see this movie just to have an easy target of ridicule. As you know, I love Jason Statham and his abs. I admire his ability to fight the inevitable circle of European stunt guys armed with only his taut abs and a perfectly pressed suit. Legendary. Look, the first Transporter was a good action flick. The character was new (okay, maybe not new but still interesting.) The second movie was a little bit forced but still passable. Number 3 is, well,...let's just say the jury is still out on how long this series can survive. Here's my case for Mr. Statham moving on and leaving this series behind.


My first piece of evidence regards the blatant cradle robbing in this movie. This goes to the motive for making the movie, boys. (The first movie smacked of cradle robbing as well; but I ignored it because it was "new," and Mr. Statham was younger so it wasn't so creepy.) From where I sat, the "package" (Natalya Rudakova) didn't look old enough to drive herself to a play date never mind serve as a suitable love interest for Mr. Statham. (Or maybe my eyes are just giving out. "Bitter. Table for one.") Secondly, your Honor, I'd like to point out that the Transporter's rules, a pretty critical element of the first movie, all but go out the window in this one. Sure, there's a little pressure by the bad guy but not enough to justify Frank's (Jason Statham) willy-nilly abandonment of such basics as "seat belt on when the car is in motion." During the one long car chase of the movie, the baby (I mean "package") is not in her car seat (I mean wearing a seat belt.) DURING THE CAR CHASE?! Frank's biggest rule. Sure, maybe this is supposed to signify how frazzled the bad guy has made our Transporter but I don't buy it. The old Frank Martin was a real stickler for seat belt safety (right up there with the "fight against a circle of European stunt guys" rule.)


In Transporter 3, apparently anything goes. Maybe it's just me (it usually is) but even with a bomb strapped to his wrist (Speed on a personal level), I just never got the sense that Frank was as frustrated about his situation as his should have been. And, frankly, there didn't seem to be that much cause for concern. Yes, we have a psychotic bad guy willing to shoot his own men, but who cares if he shoots his own guys? They're the bad guys. He's no Dennis Hopper. At least in Speed, Dennis was willing to kill everybody, especially innocent civilians. This trait makes him hateable. This new generation of bad guys is so aloof that I can't muster up the energy to want to see them die at the end of the movie. Anyway, your Honor, this leads to my final exhibit. A super bad villain thinks of every contingency. He does not lose the Transporter's position because the Transporter has driven into the mountains. He should not have to send a group of European stuntmen after said Transporter because the Transporter has gone off course. When a super bad villain calls, the Transporter should pick up the phone. The Transporter should not be screwing the "package" in the backseat of his precious Audi. (Again, I could just be bitter.)


My friend, who is also a fan of the series, asked me if two simple criteria were met. A) Did Jason Statham drive really fast? Check. B) Did Jason Statham take his shirt off? Check. But in closing, your Honor, I submit that there is more to our Transporter than those fine abs and manly handling of an Audi. The Transporter has a code without which he is just another driver for hire. (Note here all who think I picked an easy target that I do not criticize the acting.) I simply believe that in the rush to get another one week wonder quickly into the international DVD market, everybody forgot who the Transporter is supposed to be. And if they can't be bothered, well then, why should you be?



EAT.



The "package" is constantly spouting off fabulous European dishes from the hundreds of restaurants from Marseilles to Odessa that she apparently frequents. Sadly, our Transporter and his "package" only get to stop for sex not dinner (soooo bitter.) Who needs to eat? Well, not a lot of actors in movies these days I guess. Should you find yourself with a bomb strapped to your wrist set to go off the moment you wander to far from your luxury car, you might want to consider a drive-thru restaurant. I'm not sure how I did it 'cause I don't really speak or read French; but you can go to the McDonald's website (http://www.mcdonalds.com/), pick a country, and type in your destination (assuming the bad guy gives you a destination) then, voila, every McDonald's drive-thru on that route will be provided. Just be sure to pack your defibrillator.



SHOP.



Waterproof Audis? No. Worldwide cell phone coverage? Nope. Stunt Driving Lessons! I mean who doesn't want to maneuver a car onto the sides of the wheels whilst speeding in between two semi trucks going 200 mp...er...kph? Or perhaps you'd like to jump your Audi off a bridge onto a moving train when you're late for your daily commute? Stunt driving-so practical for everyday use. Even Frank Martin can't disapprove of Bobby Ore's Stunt Driving School. On the website, they strongly urge students not to use the skills they learn in class out on the street. Of course not. Who in their right mind would do that? Well, take a class and find out for yourself at http://www.bobbyoresports.com/.