Transformers Lite.

Eagle Eye-Shia LaBeouf, Michelle Monaghan




SEE.


"Eagle Eye" is, hands down, the best Michael Bay flick I've ever seen. I'm sorry. What did you say? D.J. Caruso? Oh, forgive me. I could have sworn this was a Michael Bay movie. I was really confused. Hmmm. True. The music wasn't quite right and there weren't nearly enough shots of American flags. Okay. Well, the acting was definitely less forced. Hmmm. D.J. Caruso. The director who brought us "Salton Sea," right? That was promising. In the name of all that is holy, will someone please get this man a decent script. Look. There is a standard formula to Hollywood military action flicks. The military does something bad with help of a nervous high level government official. A deep dark government secret is unveiled and must be stopped in order to save the ______. (Plug in whatever works. In this case, the president of the United States and everyone in the cabinet except the secretary of defense.) Some innocent and/or ne'er-do-well with some obscure connection to said plot must be dragged in kicking and screaming to save the ______. Billy Bob Thorton's character (Please. You know that guy is always Billy Bob Thorton.) is the only one who sees through the confusion so that the innocent and/or ne'er-do-well can be free to do whatever it is they must do to save the ______. I'm not against this formula. I'm just saying watch "The Salton Sea." D.J. Caruso is a fine director. Certainly better than an action script involving a supercomputer that decides to eliminate the current administration because of a poor military decision.


And, by the way, it's really hard for me to get behind inanimate objects as "the bad guy." HAL aside, I need a little flesh and bone to hate. Even "Terminator" realized that a human face allows the audience to identify the bad guy. I mean who wouldn't want to destroy a steroid-laden incomprehensible Austrian bodybuilder who recites lines like, "Hasta la vista, baby."? Wouldn't have worked so well if all we saw was that skeletal metal creature or big gold orbs such as those that comprise ARIA, the "villain" of "Eagle Eye." Despite the golden orb fiasco, Caruso handles a fairly interesting premise with reasonable aplomb. Kudos to the car chase sequences. I will never use my cruise control again.



EAT.



Frankly, I don't recall seeing a single character eat during this entire movie. I may be mistaken but, apparently adrenaline is sustenance enough for these characters. However, at one point, Jerry Shaw (Shia LaBeouf) encourages his friend to bet all his money in a poker game so he can take his girl out somewhere nice like Olive Garden or Red Lobster. My fellow elitist audience members snickered. But I thought, hey, those aren't dives. You can drop a pretty penny taking your date out to dinner and a movie. Times are hard. Why not treat your significant other to Olive Garden's "Never Ending Pasta Bowl" special or the limited time "Endless Shrimp" plate at Red Lobster? Snicker all you want until the stock market falls another 900 points.




SHOP.



Whatever you do, don't shop for computers. Apparently, they all develop minds of their own and their minds all say, "Destroy humankind." Instead, why not arm yourself with the latest military hardware. Little did I know that you could ship weapons via UPS forcing your landlady to put say a hundred or so boxes of guns, ammunition, scopes, and ammonium nitrate in your apartment so it doesn't block the hallway. Ah, the movie magic of Hollywood. Check out http://www.tech.military.com/ for an extensive guide to the latest in military weaponry. When you're just itching to get on the FBI's watch list, I'm betting one trip to that site should do it. Hmmmm. Uh oh.