They Shoot Audiences, Don't They?

Appaloosa-Ed Harris, Viggo Mortensen, Renee Zellweger, Jeremy Irons





SEE?


Hollywood Western=men + horses + beautiful landscape/women. At least that's the formula I come up with in my mind. Good guys vs. bad guys. A simple tale about how men act when they are stripped down to the bare elements and forced to survive. This story is what the audience comes to see. A Western is not a story about some untrustworthy floozy traipsing around playing piano, pouting her lips and distracting the our hero from his purpose. Our bad guy is not a frail looking Brit dressed like an outlaw who got lost on his way Shakespeare in the Park. Our good guy should certainly be troubled, but not by the inability to articulate big words. In fact, our hero rarely speaks at all. That's why we like him. Actions not words. Our hero's sidekick must either die at the hands of the aforementioned bad guy or kick the bad guy's sidekick's ass. He cannot kill above his station. It is against the code of the Western. And our women....well, that's a tough one.


Yes, there have been well written roles for women in westerns. Linda Hunt in "Silverado." She was interesting. Of course, she wasn't there to have sex with anybody so they had to give her character a brain. Go figure. Robin Weigart's Calamity Jane in "Deadwood" also exhibited complexity of action and thought. Of course, that character was usually falling down drunk unless given some noble task to perform like protecting a brothel. She, too, was not intended as an object of romantic interest for anyone, thus, freeing her to be, well, almost a complete human being. "Appaloosa's" Ally French (Renee Zellweger) never develops enough as a character to shed any light on her motivations. We don't know her fears or her desires or where in the world she got all those awfully nice clothes. I guess her purpose is to separate our hero from his sidekick and put conflict in the story. But, frankly, all I wanted her to do was get out of the way, and let us get back to the shootin'. We had more than enough conflict before she trotted her perky butt into town.


I haven't read the book. You got me on that one. I should not have to read it (yes, I can read) in order to enjoy the movie. I should not have to refer to page 186 in order to understand what motivates Ally French. (Motivates on a real level. Not the bizarre musings of the menfolk about what she's looking for in a man.) I should not have to look up the reasons for Virgil Cole's (Ed Harris) violent outbursts or obsession with words. It should be clear in the movie. If not-rewrite, reshoot, reedit. Oh forget it. I'll just read the book and skip the film next time. Ed Harris+Viggo Mortensen +Western should=box office gold. But not if you muck it up with a convoluted romance and then further muck it up with boring courtroom scenes and sitcom level humor. I hope they try again with a simple Western. Maybe a revenge tale. Maybe I could contribute based what I felt when I left the theater.


SHOP.


Virgil Cole is plagued by the inability to recall complex words. As am I. It's supposed to be a humorous tick. It is the first time the audience sees it. The next ten times...well. Anyway, I thought he could really use a dictionary. But then I thought, if he doesn't recall the word, then he can't look it up. So maybe a thesaurus. At least he could look up similarly themed words until he finds the one he's looking for. Then, as often happens, I got bored and thought of clothes. Everett Hitch (Viggo Mortensen) sports this really cool jacket with a leather panel on the shoulder just for resting his rifle barrel or gun belt (items I don't normally carry around unless I'm visiting my family in Texas.) That's neat. He also wears a very pretty scarf but that brings up other questions so I won't worry about it. If you're in the mood for vintage western wear, shop http://www.1880westernwear.com/ or http://www.gentlemansemporium.com/. And, if you're still concerned about "missingworditus," visit http://www.dictionary.com/ and http://www.thesaurus.com/. Everybody needs a little help with their speaking skills now and then. Just ask our vice-presidential candidates.


EAT?


When you're hot on the trail of Hamlet..., I mean, your rugged, crazy-psychotic British bad rancher character, in the treacherous New Mexico wilderness (as if), you need food that's light, easily packable and durable. Jerky (I'm sure they make veggie jerky somewhere in California), power bars, coffee. Okay, one of these things does not belong but stretch your imagination a bit. I did for almost two whole hours. For rugged trail food to keep you going through a seemingly endless supply of bullets (most of which I wished would hit me), try http://www.aaoob.com/. The website claims that some of this food can be stored for roughly 3 to 5 years in their special containers. Yeah, you heard me. Be afraid. Or you could, I don't know, stay home, cook a real meal and read.