Dismembering Leo.

Body of Lies- Leonardo Dicaprio, Russell Crowe






SEE?



When was the last time Leonardo DiCaprio did a lighthearted comedy? Anybody? How about the last time he made a film that didn't involve some body part being pulled, sawed, smashed, chopped or shot off? Yeah. That's what I thought. Look. I get it. When you're good at something, you stick with it. Nobody wants to see a dramatic actor struggle through badly timed jokes just so he/she can "stretch." However, it has got to be depressing to spend the better part of your year immersed in characters who either wind up dead or disfigured through some horrible, gut-wrenching (literally) act of violence. Well, your choice, Leo. At least now I know that if your name is in the titles, I'll watch the movie with my eyes closed. That's probably only worth a matinee ticket though.



While "Body of Lies" is an interesting look at American foreign policy, the really nasty parts of war that get fought by government agencies and all of that serious heavy stuff that makes the world go round, it didn't resonate with me. I attribute this problem to all of the weight that Russell Crowe gained to deliver his performance as a sleazy CIA puppet master, Ed Hoffman. Hoffman is a large, jolly looking man who resembles Santa Claus minus his penchant for abandoning his CIA assets to violent deaths. (Santa would not do that.) Hmmm. Santa is jovial and well-fed. Ed Hoffman is creepy and well-fed. Nope. Not similar at all. In general, I think people who eat well are happier; therefore, I do not understand why Ed Hoffman has no joy. He should be happily spreading democracy through the many legal and ethical means that the CIA employs. Instead, he launches secret missions within missions; burns his friends and basically is up to no good. That is classic Grinch behavior which makes sense because the Grinch is underfed and, everyone (in Hollywood at least) knows that hungry people get mean. Perhaps, I oversimplify. In any case, when well-fed white men do bad things, it's just beyond me. I get my Santas and Grinches all confused and start looking at my watch. You understand.




EAT?




If you can still eat after the last 15 minutes of this movie, you should either seek psychiatric help or join the CIA. In either case, what the hell, try something Middle Eastern. If food is, in fact, the way to a man's heart, well, maybe it's the way to everyone's heart. Instead of cultural exchange, we should be sharing food as a means of achieving world peace. (Who wants to see a bunch of nine year-olds singing anyway? They're probably lip-syncing beauty queens.) Of course, all of this could just be wishful thinking. I did skip breakfast before I saw this movie which made me a little hostile while viewing it. Still, in my humble opinion, (are you listening policymakers?) hungry people don't want to negotiate. Hunger doesn't put me in a compromising kind of mood anyway. Even if our enemies were willing to look past political or religious differences and give peace a chance, they would still probably want to blow us up if they've gone a few days without chow. Wouldn't you? (Again, Russell, why so angry? Clearly, well-fed for this role.)




Anyway, explore http://www.angelfire.com/ for a variety of Middle Eastern recipes. From Turkey to Afghanistan to Morocco to Egypt, this site delivers links to various websites touting fabulous food finds. Many of the links I tried led to closed websites which caused me some concern. However, upon viewing the inviting title "Muslim family! Yum Yummy Recipes!", I was reassured that all was legit on this site. Good luck to you.





SHOP.




Fake beards. Let me rephrase. Fake beards that don't look fake. After my somewhat traumatic "Appaloosa" experience, I have been on the lookout for bizarre onscreen facial hair. Okay. Maybe Leo's facial hair was real. Grown out after numerous creative meetings, phone calls with agents and camera tests. It just looked weird. Like Shogun or something. And really, if a white man is undercover in the Middle East don't you think the "enemy" would be able to spot him (even with the beard and head wrap)? Speaking of odd looking hair-Mark Strong, God bless him. Fake wigs that don't look fake. People, please! We can't at least get that right? It's a Ridley Scott film for cryin' out loud.

I really couldn't come up with much to help my cause here. Almost everything online looked as though if it landed on your lap you should pet it. Still, you could try www.wigs.com. They have a "Raquel Welch" wig so at least there's something interesting if not real looking. Also (this one's for you, makeup department), you might go to www.expertvillage.com and search under "how to apply fake facial hair." I'm just sayin'.