Sex and La Ciudad

SEE.

If I was Woody Allen and I was in Barcelona with Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson, I, too, would concoct a tastefully reserved lesbian love scene. I mean I’m a straight woman but still. Who’d pass that up? Except for some kissing, the action takes place entirely in the mind of the viewer. So, who’s the dirty old man now? Oh, wait. I forgot the part about the movie. Take one part Vicky (Rebecca Hall), a graduate student with a ridiculously narrow thesis subject who favors a sure thing over experimentation; add one part Christina (Johansson), a woman searching aimlessly for her “gift.” And as for Barcelona, well, just sprinkle her in where needed for refreshing scenery. Voila! A movie is born. You may substitute Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz as needed for international flavor.

I won’t tell you that I loved this movie. It’s watchable. Woody Allen writes female characters that you would not befriend if someone held a gun to your head. If these were the only women I could muster up in my well-traveled mind, I’d switch teams. Pronto. Although, hey, the men aren’t exactly prizes either. The most attractive trait of a Woody Allen male is that he believes he is attractive despite all evidence to the contrary. But hey, that’s ballsy, and guts count for something. Bardem may prove the exception to that rule. When Bardem’s Juan Antonio approaches Vicky and Christina with a “let’s-cut-to-the-chase” sexual proposition, everyone in the audience checked sexual orientation at the door and said, “Yes!” If nothing else, I’d see it again just to relive that sensation.

EAT.

Tapas? Too contrived. I suggest you don’t eat. If you’re having sex with Javier Bardem, I mean Juan Antonio, don’t do it on a full stomach. Drink. In this movie, wine pours forth as though a bottomless Rioja fountain exists in the center of Barcelona. Spanish wine could give you the courage to explore or maybe to resist. Please. You are not gonna resist Javier, I mean Juan Antonio. Who are you kidding? Check out the Spanish wine page on http://www.jrnet.com/ And if you don’t drink, then...

SHOP.

Summer in Spain is similar to a well heated bread oven so less is more. Think lingerie. Why not? Unless you’re a man. In which case, you should buy it for someone you’d love to see wearing it. In celebration of the somewhat creepy and voyeuristic (c’mon Woody!) lesbian lovin’ of Christina and Maria Elena (Penelope Cruz), go get yourself something sexy. Be authentic. Try http://www.etam.es/ for the genuine Spanish article of clothing. Maybe you too will take a trip and be hit on by a sexy artist. Of course, it didn’t happen to me in Spain or Italy or France but, then again, I’m no VickyChristinaBarcelona.