EXPENDABLES 3: THE LAST ACTION HEROES?



SEE?


   If you know me (and most of you do), you know that I went to see "The Expendables 3" in an actual movie theater. I paid for this pain, and I'm not going to pretend that I enjoyed it or learned from the experience, but I will say that I was entertained by the first two installments so I had cinematic precedent behind me. Now, this admission may lower my place in your esteem ranking, but I'm a child of the '80s and that decade was, by all measures, the "glory days" decade for action movies. Unfortunately, these are glory days no more. Weak premise, slow open, flat to non-existent humor, standard stunts and an understandable lack of enthusiasm for the material from the actors (with the notable exception of Antonio Banderas) all make for a rather dreary experience for the audience and the characters alike. Don't get me wrong. This is not about ageism. I would actually prefer it of they didn't try to drag unknown young actors into this franchise. Every time they bring some long forgotten action star out of "has been" purgatory and strap 'em into the old plane for a new adventure, I inhale a scent of deep nostalgia and exhale relief. Sly gives these lost boys the opportunity to flex their muscles and not remain lost in oblivion or stuck in some Syfy shark movie. Frankly, I feel a whole lot safer knowing that they have a dependable franchise in which to appear. (Please don't let me find Wesley Snipes doing the next incarnation of CSI for Pete's sake.)

  That said, I think Sly needs to let go of the writing. I know, I know...he wrote "Rocky". Well, this ain't "Rocky," and Sly's sense of humor seems to have evaporated much like my will to live did in hour two of viewing. Given the opportunity to infuse the dialogue with actual jokes, upgrade the old school stunts and maybe pare down the cast to a size the audience can give a damn about, he may have a shot at making at least two more of these movies. Lord knows, there are still enough former action stars out there who could use a reboot. While I think Harrison Ford was miscast for this role (and seemed a little high for a CIA agent ) and Mel Gibson should have rejected the villain role (really, Mel, the world needs to see you redeem yourself not confirm our suspicions), there is some salvation in the energy Antonio Banderas brought to his role. Still, even that joke grows tired toward the end. Hear me, naysayers, the franchise itself is not tired just because the bulk of the cast is not comprised of barely pubescent vampire-playing hotties. I believe in the action movie! I believe Expendables can be great...er...good-ish again.

EAT.

   When I Googled "Sly Stallone diet," I thought at best I'd arrive at a few magazine interviews with the man over the last few years. I know he's a muscular guy who trained hard for Rocky, but I didn't realize it was this serious until I stumbled upon his website. I should have know something was up when I saw "Bullet to the Head." Stallone has a shirtless scene in that movie that is both awe-inspiring and terrifying (more veins than a gold mine.) He was about 65 when that movie was shot. Men half his age hung their heads in defeat. But never fear! The Sly Stallone diet and exercise regimen is at your fingertips. http://www.sylvesterstallone.com/health-fitness/two/ And, no, I never, ever plan to follow this regimen, but best of luck to you. Here's a little photographic inspiration:

Yeah-I didn't think so.

SHOP.

   Yes-he writes. He acts. He directs. He produces. He paints oil paintings, and he has the cojones to stand beside his work. In public. At art galleries. There is more to this man than meets the eye. Odd diet and exercise regimen aside.

  You wanna own an original? Be my guest. http://imagemakersart.com/sylvesterstallone.aspx. I will pay for a painting before I buy this movie on DVD.