Transformers 4: Age of Diminished Returns

SEE?

   Nope. Not gonna do it. Unless you are the biggest fan of Stanley Tucci on the planet, I cannot in good conscience tell you to spend your hard-earned money on this movie. If you are willing to sit through 2 hours and 45 minutes of jump cuts, predictable dialogue, lackluster jokes, bewildered and under-directed actors, barely legal and barely dressed girls, a half-assed attempt at a mature female character with a brain (serving absolutely no purpose in the movie), a muddled plot overextended through excessive action sequences, derivative black-booted thugs, miracle recoveries (by humans and Autobots alike), blatant violations of the laws of physics and magnetic fields, the confusing accent of an American-born/Irish-raised/Australian sounding actor initially passed off as a Texan (before the reshoots), and the combination surprised/faux angry look of Mark Wahlberg (possible developed while trying to get his agent on the phone during filming) in order to get see Stanley Tucci then by all means lay out the cash.

   Unfortunately, there is not one original cast member left to resuscitate the magic of the original Transformers. (Yes, I liked that one.) In fact, lest I be lumped in with all the other naysayers, let me say, I’m kind of a Michael Bay fan (I’ll forgive the shallow portrayals of women in front of the camera.) Bay mixed music video style, humor (“You know you drive almost slow enough to drive Miss Daisy.”) and non-stop action to glue audiences to the screen in the 90s. The new century has apparently confused him. Even an action film should endeavor to maintain logic, character arc (as my friend pointed out Tucci’s character turns on a dime) and a tight plot. I think we can safely say the plot is looser than the moral code of Kelsey Grammer’s CIA goon, and the editor clearly lapsed into a coma about 90 minutes in. I have no doubt that many people worked very hard (and probably suffered great misery) making this movie. I fear another Transformers sequel will only extend that misery to the audience yet again. Please, Michael, go back to your roots! Let’s roll out The Rock 2 instead.

 

EAT.

   And for our worldwide audience-I bring you the last 30 minutes of the movie set in China for your international distribution pleasure. Do I want you to go grab some Chinese food in celebration of the almost complete annihilation of Hong Kong by an alien bounty hunter? No. That would be racist. Instead, let’s celebrate the city of Chicago getting her comeuppance again. Bay chose Chicago for destruction not once, but twice in this series.  Why does Michael Bay hate Chicago? Who cares? Finally, we West Coasters and our New York counterparts are getting a reprieve! Get yourself some deep-dish pizza and Chicago-style hot dogs, and let’s take the Midwest down! http://losangeles.menupages.com/restaurants/masa-of-echo-park/ and www.viciousdogshotdogs.com.

 

SHOP.

   So you’re on the run. The government has destroyed your life, blown up your house and generally pissed you off and you need to steal (I mean borrow) a few things from your local Piggly Wiggly. Why do people never steal fresh underwear? Seriously! That would be my first stop. Forget food and water. If I have to wear the same underwear for 48 hours straight, someone’s gonna die. Luckily, as long as I can predict my next location (pretty sure we’re going to be destroying China a lot in the future), I can have fresh undies sent to me monthly. Join The Underwear Society (www.underwearsociety.com) and never worry about pesky end-of-the-world scenarios keeping you from slipping on a fresh pair (you can get socks, too). I’m talking about life’s essentials here, people!