Another Freakin' Toy Story

Transformers- Shia LeBeouf, Megan Fox

Director-Michael Bay



SPOILER ALERT!!!



SEE?



Why do sequels fail? Not financially, I mean spiritually. First, they fail because they use the success of the previous movie as a license to be less original and less diligent, and they treat the audience like the morons that we are for going to see the same movie twice and expecting (yes, I had expectations) something different, nay, better. STOP LAUGHING. Yes, I knew this was a Michael Bay movie, but I truly enjoyed the first Transformers. It was funny in that Michael Bay sort of way, and the women had balls. This movie, on the other hand, takes the charm of its predecessor for granted and bashes us over the head with gizmotology rather than character.





HOLD ON. Before you say, "It's based on Mattel toys. Whaddya expect?", may remind you that the success of the original Transformers was not just based on cool toys. The actors had actual characters to play (as much as you can have in a Bay movie) not just green screens to run from. It was entertaining, DAMMIT. With explosions and fight sequences and "transforming" going on all around me, I almost fell asleep in this one, and I had 8 hours of sleep. I ALMOST FELL ASLEEP!





I have t say this out loud. Michael Bay does not respect himself, and he does not respect his audience. There. I said it. Frankly, it was insulting enough to see amateur mistakes like a mismatched cut. Add injury to this insult because I'm pretty sure I saw the still photographer in the middle of a shot in the desert pulling out his long lens while soldiers around him pulled out guns. Oh, and hi, same desert scenario from the first movie?! Would it kill you to shoot in a jungle or something? Maybe I was hallucinating because I was in some sort of cinematic coma (2 1/2 hours long?! C'mon!)





Now, for the part you've all been waiting for. (You know you have.) The women. Ah, Michael, what a sad and lonely existence you must have if this is all you can dream up. First off, can you please have Megan Fox close her mouth? Speaking, not speaking, the woman always manages to have her big, beautiful lips parted just so as to make us (I mean you not me) want to kiss them. Every single shot. Really, Michael! In the first movie, she was funny and could handle herself and a wrench. Here, all we see her do is pout and run. Or run and pout. Secondly, if the Transformers/Decepticons actually created a machine covered in human flesh who resembles a blond sorority chick, don't you think, (although I know you'd rather focus on a closeup of her ass and her blue panties), we should see the military interested in this remarkable development? Nobody seems to care, and I find that strange. And, by the way, are you directing the next Terminator 'cause this chick seems suspiciously like she belongs in another movie? Odd that the only chick who kicks ass in this movie is a machine.


Finally, and this is a minor point. Why does the fraternity party look like a strip club or that club from Bad Boys? Or the club from every Michael Bay movie (maybe not Pearl Harbor)? What school is this exactly?


EAT.


What is it about a movie that makes it a "popcorn movie?" When I fled the theater after this movie (in a theater where popcorn is not allowed mind you), I actually heard someone say,"This movie would be better with popcorn." (How exactly this miracle would come to be I don't know.) Well, if that's the case, my friend, you'd better stock up 'cause you're gonna need an Optimus Prime truckload full o' kernels for this one.


SHOP.


Electric cattle prod. You heard me. I don't know why I was having such a hard time staying awake during this movie, but I really could have used something to jolt my out of my overstimulated mind grog. Okay, maybe the cattle prod is too much but really, this whole experience was too much, so bring on the voltage. Charge on up to http://www.qcsupply.com/qcsupply/browse/subcategory.jsp?categoryId=12381&addFacet=9004%3A12381&cm_mmc=Google-_-Livestock+Equipment+%26+Supplies_Livestock+Prods-_-Broad_search_559993155-_-cattle%20prod%7C-%7C100000000000000026181&cm_guid=1-_-100000000000000026181-_-559993155. I'm sure there will be a threequel so better to be prepared for the next all-action-packed-fight-laden-babe-ridden Bay flick that serves as a sleep aid. Bzzzz. Bzzzz.