SEE?

Here’s the thing to consider when you get into the business of a movie franchise such as The Mummy III: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. Is the paycheck worth my dignity? This is the question that John Hannah (a decent actor known to American audiences most notably from Four Weddings and a Funeral) must have been pondering as he found himself acting opposite a yak. Not in the noble way which Tom Hanks found himself acting opposite a volleyball. Not for Mr. Hannah. Nothing but humiliation including, but not limited to: speaking romantically to the yak, holding a barf bag for the yak and, finally, being barfed on by said yak.

This is the sort of treatment that the supporting actor in a “too-long-since-the-last-one” threequel can expect to have foisted upon him. Good luck with that, Mr. Hannah. Aside from feeling terrible about John Hannah’s plight in this movie, I was also stunned by the appearance of Yeti (abominable snowmen) who, familiar with the American sport of football, know enough to raise their arms in the shape of goalposts after punting a bad guy over an ancient arch. I know enough not to ask why. Rather, I shake my head slowly from side to side and cover my eyes as though this will shield me from the fact that yet another sequel has diminished an otherwise enjoyable franchise. Please don’t start me on Indiana Jones. It’s not my place to say don’t see this movie but, here’s what to shop for and what to eat beforehand. You can be the judge.

EAT?

No. Not Chinese food. C’mon. Too easy. Yak cheese. You heard me. In solidarity with John Hannah’s plight, you, the viewing audience, should have some yak cheese and crackers or whatever you eat with yak cheese. The yak is an animal native to the Himalayan mountain region where some of the action in The Mummy III occurs. And, yes, they make cheese from yak’s milk there. In fact, they use just about every part of the yak but we won’t go there. Not even in the spirit of enduring as Mr. Hannah had to endure. So go buy yourself some yak cheese before this show. Don’t ask me where. I think you can find some online.


SHOP.

I know. It’s enough that you have to find the yak cheese. If you’re going to go that far though, you should invest in some airsickness bags. You’re gonna need ‘em at least a third of the way into this movie. Shop http://www.pilotthings.com/ for the cleverly named Sick Sack. They go for fifty cents a bag. Get a few.