A Dictionary. Open not closed.

Quantum of Solace-Daniel Craig, Judi Dench


SEE.


What the hell is a "quantum"? Three guys are credited with penning this screenplay, and none of them could come up with a catchier title?! No. I did not read the book. Back in my day, you went to the movie and that sufficed. If the movie was extraordinary you might, might, pick up the book. I don't care how good the Bond movies are, you cannot convince me that in order to understand a movie title I should first read cover to cover one of these books in the hopes that I might stumble across the sentence which begot said title. The British. Readers. Me. I'm an American. I like to watch. When I go to see a Bond movie, I do not carry a pocket dictionary and an Itty Bitty Book Light. Here's why. Good Guy=Bond. Bad Guy= Guy with foreign, excuse me, non-American accent. Good Guy kills Bad Guy. During his down time, Good Guy has sex with naive girl or with cunning bad girl. Either way, after the lovin', the girl must die. (Note to self: sex with Bond =sure death.) Anyway, sprinkle in gritty fight scenes, over the top stunts and plane/boat/automobile chases as needed. Done. No dictionary required.

That was then. Now there's actually a story (or sub-story, I'm not really sure here) which I have to follow. I own "Casino Royale," but, no, I don't remember all the intricate details. Jeez. I have to do homework before going to see this movie. I have to pay attention to whom he is killing and why. Frankly, I'm not sure even the writers know that part. (Sorry, Mr. Haggis, but you need to slow down a minute.) Back to the title. What about "Vesper's Vengeance" or "To Kill and Kill Again"? Less subtlety, please. Hello! We Americans still watch movies even if the world is trying to do everything else without us. We like things we can understand. It's what makes us Americans.

Look. I'll see every Bond movie they churn out even if I have to bring a dictionary, a thesaurus and a Bible. Still, three things and three things alone hooked me in this movie. 1) Daniel Craig-Anytime, anywhere. 2) Jeffrey Wright- Could somebody please give this actor his due? And 3) Olga Kurylenko-There's a very short list of kick ass women with whom Bond does not have his way. That's right. She doesn't die.


EAT.


Apparently killing oodles of people serves as a natural appetite suppressant. Can I just point out that alcohol is all you ever see James Bond ingest in this movie. Well, amen, brother. If I had your job, I'd probably ride the martini train all night as well. In celebration of the only secret agent who can survive for days without water and food but simply must have his martini "shaken not stirred" visit www.swankmartini.com . There you will find a history of the James Bond martini (from the freakin' book series, you purists) as well as recipes and "MI-6" worthy martini shakers. Drink up. I'm sure another Bond movie is just around the corner. They'll probably call it "Allotment of Assuagement." Yeah. Look it up. I dare you.

One aside. The Bad Guy, Dominic Greene (Mathieu Almaric), arrives at a "bad guy" meeting in the Bolivian desert eating a shiny, crisp apple. I know, I know. This represents the bountiful harvest that our baddie is wresting away from the Bolivian people by plundering their water supply but would you take a fruit eating bad guy seriously? C'mon.




SHOP.


Three words. Tide. To. Go. (Well, put them together.) For the killer on the go. When you absorb as much blood in your tuxedo shirt as Bond does you'll need a cleaning solution of massive proportions. Frankly, you don't have time to drop off at the nearest dry cleaners. And what are you going to tell them anyway? "I cut myself falling through a glass ceiling with a double agent whom I ultimately killed." Please. What you need are a couple of hundred Tide-To-Go pens to take those stains out until you have time to purchase your next $3,000 suit. Don't leave M's office without 'em. Shop http://www.tide.com/ or go to your nearest grocery store. Please try not to accidentally drop somebody over the side of a building on your way.